Picture a snow-covered mountain in Polynesia. It rises majestically above a prosaic village, dwarfing the tiki huts and placing the mundane cares of its denizens in perspective by way of a sort of implicit pictorial reproach, so imposing are its lofty crags and cloudy pinnacles. Just so this Web page rises above cyberspace, tacitly chiding its Netizens for their want of taste in their own digital reading fare.


June 2018

How the DEA Determines if Your Relgious Beliefs are Real

A long-overdue satire that slams the DEA for having anything whatsoever to do with determining if a religion is true or not -- a role that betrays the Christian Science metaphysics of the drug war.

In granting exceptions to the laws prohibiting use of psychedelics, the DEA makes exceptions for religious practices that they determine to be genuine. This raises an interesting question: how precisely does the DEA determine something that even great philosophers across the ages have been unable to agree upon, namely, which religions are genuine and why?

Not to worry. I have uncovered a government form that is apparently used by the DEA to make precisely the sort of metaphysical determinations mentioned above. So, theologians, take note: Here's what the DEA will be looking for should you ever happen to adhere to a religious belief whose ceremonials involve the use of plant life that the DEA has seen fit to criminalize.

DEA Form 8011-B-C-1

Guidelines for determining the veracity of a religious belief

In determining the authenticity of a religious belief, the DEA agent in charge should consider the following points:

1) Is the claimant snickering at any time during the application process? If so, claim should ordinarily be rejected-- since we all know that real religion is a serious matter.

2) Is the claimant prone to excessive partying? This is often a red flag indicating that the exception seeker equates religion with hedonism, which again is against the Protestant Ethic -- er, I mean, the U.S. Government's ethical code of conduct, of course.

3) Does the claimant's religion accept (or plan to accept) "worshipers" from out of state? This is often a red flag, since it is well known that real religions -- with the possible exception of Rock Church -- are somewhat stodgy, formal affairs that are unlikely to inspire long-distance fidelity in the absence of questionable incentives. This in turn suggests that a large percentage of such a "church's" commuters will be winking lasciviously en route, salivating in anticipation of a tawdry "high," rather than rejoicing in the Blood of Our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior, without whom -- er, I mean as just one bona fide above-board REAL honest-to-God religious example, of course.

4) Does the claimant harp on and on about the fact that alcohol is addictive and kills thousands of people every year while we at the DEA are criminalizing plants that have been used for centuries in therapeutic ceremonies? Does he or she point out that LSD was used successfully to cure alcoholics, by no less a person than Bill Wilson himself of AA, before we in our wisdom shut down such therapies? Does the claimant dare to point out that the DEA permits the peddling of highly addictive anti-depressants by BIG PHARMA, while we are shutting down research on non-addictive alternatives from nature? If so, politely remind the claimant that it is our job to determine THEIR morality, thank them very much, not the other way around.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't know about the author (one Brian Hieronymus Quass) but the DEA is already banning my religion. I hold with Plato that the unexamined life is not worth living. You remember Plato, the philosopher who took part in the psychedelic-fueled Eleusinian Mysteries. And I believe that God-send plant medicine (as per the Bible itself) is GOOD -- and that we can learn lessons from the wise use of its psychoactively provided insights. For the DEA to block me in pursuing this faith, this belief about ultimate reality, is a clear violation of my right to religious practice. The DEA is telling me: "No, there is no truth or value in those 'insights'" -- but that is a religious claim made by Mary Baker Eddy. I do not believe it. Plato did not believe it. Marcus Aurelius did not believe it. Benjamin Franklin did not believe it. And it is pure religious persecution to persecute me for believing it.

Wake up, America: the drug war is a religious war -- a war by Christians and materialists who insist that I not be allowed to see and experience the world differently from them. Oh, I can still read about doing so, but in the ultimate religious tyranny, I am not allowed to experience the truths and insights that I value. Why not? Because the "religious experts" known as the DEA will tell me that my religion, my faith, my understanding of ultimate realities, is not legitimate.

Nor is this a new tyranny. When Emperor Theodosius II banned the psychedelic-fueled Eleusinian Mysteries in 392 BC (after 2000 years of inspiring great thinkers), he did so because he considered it to be a threat to Christianity. Like modern racist politicians, he was horrified that others were allowed to see the world through other than Christian lenses.

This is why the drug war does not crack down on alcohol and cigarettes -- because they are Christian drugs.

In a sane world, a drug warrior -- should they feel compelled to exist -- would break down doors to arrest alcohol and tobacco users, remove them from the voting rolls, kick them out of public housing, confiscate their homes and businesses and throw them in prisons that are already overcrowded with the victims of the racially and religiously motivated war on godsend plant medicine.

Akhenaten -- Another Interview with Greatness -- Bombshell: Webmaster Insists that Everybody Must Get Stoned -- Buoyancy: Review by the Moviegoer of the United States of America -- Dear Lance Morrow -- Denzel as Terrorist in John Q -- Don't Read This -- First Lab-Grown Hamburger Financed by Brian Quass -- How the DEA Determines if Your Relgious Beliefs are Real -- Human Beings Ain't Jack S--- -- Merry Christmas 2021 -- Minnie and Me -- More things that Dr. Fauci will and will not be doing now that he's been vaccinated -- Pipe Dream or the Next Big Thing: You be the judge -- Portrait of the artist as a young witch -- Psst! This post is for artists only! -- The Drug Problem is a Social Creation -- The Man of Mode by George Etherege -- The State v. Homo sapiens -- The Theory of Aesthetic Relativity -- The Turing Test Bias -- The Visit -- Thoughts about Cultural Geography, dawg -- Three Arguments Against Political Correctness in Academia -- Why Zero Tolerance is Bullshit -- Willie Who? --


Copyright 2017, Brian Quass quass@quass.com (follow on Twitter)