Oh, boy, the month of June: you gotta love it!



It's the sixth month in the Gregorian calendar, by the way.



This is neither here nor there, but didn't Gregory put together a great calendar back in the day? I mean, seriously, a round of apple sauce, ladies and gentlemen, for Pope Gregory XIII. Let's hear it for the man! Whoo-hoo!















Ah, yes, June, June, June. June is busting out all over -- if you don't believe me, just look at table 8.



April and May (at tables 5 and 9 respectively) are putting on quite a show themselves.



No, seriously, seriously. You know there are more weird holidays in June than you can shake a calendar at?



First up, you've got your National Dairy Month, formerly known as National Milk Month.

Speaking of weird, milk itself is weird, if you ask me. Personally, I never understood why milk wasn't promptly taken off the shelves the second that they discovered that it made over half the population ill!



Seriously, if Red Bull had that kind of track record, it would have been personally escorted out of 7-11's refrigerators nationwide in large cardboard boxes by a posse of jackbooted FDA agents wearing cotton face masks and latex gloves.



And unlike the miracle-working PR firms hired by the National Dairy Association, the corporate suits at Red Bull would not be able to successfully blame the problem on consumer intolerance of their product, believe you me.



Red Bull makes you sick, huh? Well, it's your own fault! Why can't you be like the healthy 49% of the population that can tolerate the stuff?



There's Free June Bugs at the Coconut Lounge by the way, and I am not talking about our little red and brown friend from the insect family, either.



I've already had two -- You see, I'm drowning my sorrows since June is a month of mourning for us lactose intolerant muckers.



June Bugs, you'll love them, folks: I think it's banana liqueur and coconut rum, isn't it, Charles? Charles Amberson, ladies and gentlemen, our beautiful bartender at our famous Coconut Restaurant and Lounge. Take a bow, Charles.













Now where was I before I started trying to encourage you guys to tank up?

Oh, yes, I was talking about weird holidays and such that occur during the month of June: such as National Adopt a Cat Month, right? I kid you not.



Given the notoriously irresponsible behavior of pet owners in the United States -- where there are a gazillion unwanted stray pets wandering the streets on any given Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc. -- they ought to get real and make this month National Abandon a Cat Day -- to remove any remaining traces of opprobrium that might still attach to the popular practice of kicking cats outdoors after the owners have grown tired of them.



What gets you though is when the former owners then rationalize their cruelty by telling themselves that they've given the animal its freedom -- like they're now a hero in the cinematic feline equivalent of "Free Willy."



Run along, Miss Boots. Mind you look both ways, however, when you cross that nearby interstate highway, puss: Otherwise, I can't answer for the consequences!



What else? Oh, June is also National Iced Tea month. Speaking of which, here's a good joke, kids: How come really tired people come in handy when you've misplaced your tea caddy? Any guesses?

(The kids are like, what the fudd is a tea caddy?)

Because there are usually bags under their eyes.













Get it?

Bags, as in TEA bags? Ha ha!

Ahem.

Oh, excuse me: I think that the gentleman out there in the very back row just dropped a pin on the floor. Can someone go over there and help him find it?



June is also National Accordion Month -- but unfortunately I know so little about that instrument that I can't even make jokes about it.



Okay, I know a teeny bit about it: Like everybody else, I am well aware of the fact that an accordion is a box-shaped musical instrument of the bellows-driven free-reed aerophone family, sometimes referred to as a squeezebox...

But then that's such basic stuff that you could almost call it common sense, right, folks?



Of course, I would be remiss if I failed to point out that June is also Gay Pride month.



And I'm a lot of things, folks, but I've never been remiss -- and what's more, I would probably be remiss if I didn't point that out, too.



I would be even MORE remiss, however, if I didn't tell you that June is National Aquarium Month.



Oh, glub-glub, baby, you know it.



Unfortunately, that brings up the subject of irresponsible pet owners again, thanks to whom National Aquarium Month should probably be known as National Abandon a Fish Month, given the casual fish owner's notorious tendency to eventually slack off on the job of feeding their aquatic charges on a daily basis -- not to mention failing to remove algae and such from the fish tank itself, thanks to which poor Goldie and friends develop the marine world's equivalent of asthma.


















No, seriously, you've been a great audience: I hope you enjoy the month of June --

Speaking of great holidays, I've come up with one myself, guys: I hereby officially declare the Month of June as National June Celebration month -- a month during which Americans will henceforth celebrate everything having to do with the 6th month of the Gregorian calendar!



Hey, why not, right?

And remember, there's a June Bug with your name on it back at the Coconut Lounge. Isn't that right, Charles? Once again, I give you Charles Amberson, ladies and gentlemen, bartender extraordinaire: take a bow, Charles.





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