|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Click Here to Sort By Title (Red background in list below denotes archived article that requires site donation to be viewed in its entirety. Visit any one of these archived pages for more information on gaining full access to all articles at Quass.com.)
|
He couldn't boost his site statistics to save his life |
|
|
|
My name is Brian: I carry a typewriter. |
|
|
|
Before this train reaches the next station, 17 passengers will be furiously demanding a refund |
|
|
|
The Culture War Comes to Lake Wobegon |
|
|
|
Brian's power-generating scheme takes the scientific community by storm |
|
|
|
Brian has a great job, a great girlfriend, and a bright future. But in three days, he's going to New Jersey |
|
|
|
or, How You Can Profit from the Coming Black Hole, with Fermilab Funnyman Adam Neutrino |
|
|
|
An exciting game of strategy and chance (well, of chance, anyway) |
|
|
|
Top 20 restaurants, plus basic info on Northern Virginia restaurants located inside the Beltway |
|
|
|
Candidate's dental plan has teeth |
|
|
|
The same Quass.com humor, now in a daily format of quick-reading comic blurbs! |
|
|
|
The real-life adventures of an everyday family of stinging nettles, struggling to keep their heads above water |
|
|
|
Webmaster Takes the Attorney General's Challenge at 20,000 Feet |
|
|
|
Gifts designed by Brian Quass |
|
|
|
What would you say if I were to tell you that this parody is worth... |
|
|
|
Just read this site intro to find out |
|
|
|
Thoughts on the 10th anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings |
|
|
|
All are laughing, laughing on the hill |
|
|
|
Amorous agents get fleeced in corporate hair-growing scheme |
|
|
|
A parody of The Haunting in Connecticut |
|
|
|
A parody of the sci-fi movie 'Knowing' |
|
|
|
Will the real Webmaster please stand up? |
|
|
|
Finally, a reminiscing game show for the rest of us what haven't got perfect lives! |
|
|
|
Safety Expert Risks Alienating Daughter |
|
|
|
After demolishing his adversary's cynical argument about Justice, Socrates goes 2 for 2 on the night by disproving his opponent's equally wrongheaded views about Pacifism |
|
|
|
Save time, money, and the planet |
|
|
|
Job opening for Olympic Committee Member |
|
|
|
Awww! Embarrassed |
|
|
|
blowing the lid off of the world's secret attempt to bring me down, one frustrating setback at a time |
|
|
|
12 online newbies compete for the distinguished title of Webmaster under the hypercritical tutelage of veteran site-publisher Brian Quass |
|
|
|
Chef Raymond Le Bland puts the accent on food quality in, how you zay, his new TV show? |
|
|
|
Webmaster introduces online pain sufferers to his new Press Conference Therapy |
|
|
|
Newly Discovered Platonic Dialogue! |
|
|
|
007 kicks bad guy butt in Haiti, thereby foiling the no doubt evil though never adequately explained plans of a Bolivian dictator |
|
|
|
Top 10 American Horror Movies as Ranked by Veteran Goosebump Victim Brian Quass of Quass.com |
|
|
|
Drill Sergeant Brian Puts Hip Hop Heroes through their Paces for Lousy Lyrics |
|
|
|
Inaugural Eve flipflop sacrifices principle in the name of unity |
|
|
|
A horror story based on true events |
|
|
|
but this time let's play it in such a way as to lodge a subtle protest against the misdeeds of corporate America |
|
|
|
Genetics experiment brings Philip Marlowe back to life (or sort of -- you see, there was a mixup in the lab...) |
|
|
|
Clueless government resorts to mass kidnapping to save world from alien menace |
|
|
|
Our perennial winter friend denounces mountaintop mining in a globally heartwarming stand-up routine at the Reindeer Lounge on Cedar Street |
|
|
|
Online sermon calling for an end to the self-imposed apartheid in American churches |
|
|
|
The REAL story, as told by the great great grandson of Zadok Allen |
|
|
|
stand-up comic speaks truth to power in Mountain View |
|
|
|
Real People, in a Real Courtroom, with Real Weak Cases: This is Judge Joe White: |
|
|
|
In which the gramatically challenged Romeo FINALLY learns the true meaning of the word 'wherefore' |
|
|
|
The Disturbing Truth about Thanksgiving Bees in Harrisonburg, Virginia |
Noisy Niece Pacified in Backyard Sting Operation |
|
|
Pulp fiction by Egghead Allan Poe |
|
|
|
You're not getting older, you're getting more philosophical! |
|
|
|
by Egghead Allan Poe |
|
|
|
A guru grapples with the philosophical implications of Tolstoy's theory of art |
|
|
|
As-broadcast transcript from the first-ever reality tv show |
|
|
|
Introducing the Lady Madeline's little-known identical twin sister, Yasha |
|
|
|
How two unprepossessing pirates conquered the Chesapeake Bay in a mere catboat, with nothing to eat for hours on end except for one small turkey and cheese sandwich each from 7-11, and nothing to drink but a mere 5 or 6 liters of raspberry tea and black-cherry flavored soda water, with nothing to laugh at but one talking parrot, albeit the bird in question had a relatively impressive vocabulary, perhaps consisting of as many as 500 words or more |
|
|
|
The new head of the Disney Corporation takes Spielberg to task for his latest 'kids' film |
|
|
|
With corollary reflections on the sexist machinations of an ungrateful son |
|
|
|
Proving once again that God can forgive everything in cyberspace -- with the possible exception of pop-up menus, excessive reliance on PDF files, and flash attachments whose massive drain on system resources causes visitor browsers to freeze, necessitating a time-consuming and potentially data-compromising reboot |
|
|
|
Proving that this is one webmaster that will not go gently into any supposititious good night |
|
|
|
Now in convenient parody form |
|
|
|
Neil Headstrong discovers life on Mars... but is it intelligent life? |
|
|
|
STOP! Before you buy that log cabin in the country, read this review of the 2008 horror film The Strangers |
|
|
|
Every year, thousands of clumsy Americans slip and fall |
|
|
|
It came from the swamp and had big gnarly pincers, notwithstanding its cynical impersonation of a gentleman caller |
|
|
|
When Men were Men, Dogs were Dogs, and future webmasters were, for the most part, largely unmotivated lay-abouts in need of a life lesson or two |
|
|
|
These are NOT your grandmother's pheromones |
|
|
|
If you're living in his glass house, don't throw parties! |
|
|
|
Learn the shocking truth about 'The People of the Corn Husk', the infamous Muck Tribe, complete with indigenous nudity and scantily clad western hunks!,coming up next on BORNEO TO BE WILD |
|
|
|
Look who's coming to a fund-raising dinner! |
|
|
|
Pardon me, boy, is that the Post-Socratic choo-choo? |
|
|
|
The WEBMASTER of the United States of America answers questions about his recent |
|
|
|
A spooky campfire story about Verizon's 'gotcha' return policy on air cards |
|
|
|
with fast-paced action and suspense |
|
|
|
The sand traps of our minds |
|
|
|
Cheer up, webmasters, 'divest' is yet to come! |
|
|
|
Well, blow me down! It's another |
|
|
|
The following stand-up comedy routine contains 0gm. Trans-Fat! |
|
|
|
Two top-notch astronauts set out on a secret mission to find out |
|
|
|
Webmaster breaks the ice with some reservations about cryopreservation |
|
|
|
Making Color Consciousness Respectable Since 1980 |
|
|
|
Successful transplant, my eye! |
|
|
|
A Youngish-Looking Guru bemoans our modern hang-ups about growing old |
|
|
|
Father O'Really's Comments about Global Warming Meet with a Cold Reception |
|
|
|
Who is he whose grief bears such an emphasis? |
|
|
|
Recognizing the inherent bias in parentally promulgated paradigms |
|
|
|
Going to the chapel and we're gonna get merry |
|
|
|
On excessive verbal minimalism in modern screenplay dialogue |
|
|
|
The Herbivore Network's answer to BBC's Big Cat Diary, live from the Messy Mary Game Reserve on the Serengeti Plains |
|
|
|
Doctor Grammar shows us how we, too, can document our writing like an expert |
|
|
|
Be sure to start writing MMVIII on all of your Ancient Roman checks! |
|
|
|
Ex-Usurer turns over new leaf as Do-Gooder Party Animal |
|
|
|
Season's Greetings from Our Lady of the Disgruntled Secularist |
|
|
|
The 21st-century Phaedrus, a modern take on the Platonic Dialgoue about Love |
|
|
|
and he does not know where to find it! |
|
|
|
Episode I: Lifestyles of the Dead and Infamous |
|
|
|
Complete with plainspoken translation for the Salt of the Earth |
|
|
|
by Chip Shoulders |
|
|
|
Yorktown native to Brits: All is forgiven |
|
|
|
Backhoe Salesman Goes Green after Seeing Eco-Friendly Ghost |
|
|
|
Brutally handsome anti-hero blows the lid off of a government genome conspiracy |
|
|
|
Webmaster Presumes to Lecture us on the Evils of Speculative Certitude |
|
|
|
The 5th Annual World Wide Word Wrestling competition from the Orlando Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada |
|
|
|
The Theory of Orchestrated Distractions: Professor Konstantin von Egghead's new paradigm for thespian pedagogy |
|
|
|
Season's Greetings from Baron Von Foghorn Leghorn III |
|
|
|
The Legend of Anniversary Mountain |
|
|
|
The affecting biography of the American Egghead, told in a series of hermaneutic footnotes on the original text of the Tao Te Ching as translated in 1891 by J. Legge, Scottish missionary and sinologist. |
|
|
|
Webmaster dons sackcloth with view toward increasing site popularity |
|
|
|
Comedian Pinkie Weazelton stands up for sincerity |
|
|
|
In fact, EVERYBODY can! |
|
|
|
Comedian Johnny Appleseed releases a new version of himself to fix several personality bugs, including feelings of academic insecurity when in the company of boastful Ivy Leaguers |
|
|
|
Group Therapy for the Digitally Daunted |
|
|
|
check your buckets of red paint at the door |
|
|
|
CLASS 3 of 3: Essential Time Travel Terminology |
|
|
|
Live from the Honeybee Lounge in I-Miss-Em, Nebraska! |
|
|
|
Revolutionary's Spirit Renounces Violence in Controversial Seance |
|
|
|
Protesting New Jersey Fireworks Law, another fine Sunday Sermon by Father Patrick O'Really |
|
|
|
James Woods settles the supernatural score in Vampires |
|
|
|
Striking similes, Batman, it's a sermon about bowling! |
|
|
|
Dr. Watson and Mary Morstan are 'on the outs' in this new Sherlock Holmes drama |
|
|
|
Unexpectedly punny Deity signs off on new chef's apron |
|
|
|
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Telly |
|
|
|
What did the Fetching Chambermaid know and when did she know it |
|
|
|
Wedding-related news conference yields questions about the economical production of Ethanol |
|
|
|
Comedian temporarily loses moral compass en route to Laughville |
|
|
|
Stand-up routine on reincarnation, by a comic who was even funnier in his last life |
|
|
|
or, When I First Heard the Amateur Astronomer... |
|
|
|
Solving the aesthetic and financial problems of wind turbines |
|
|
|
||
|
Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor not a talent agent! |
|
|
|
Father O'Really knocks us off of our PC high horses in this tough-love sermon about the evils of self-righteousness |
|
|
|
Stand-up comedian brings us up to speed on the newly discovered running skills of T-Rex |
|
|
|
Evidence points to modern masonry techniques as source of new noise-related psychosis |
|
|
|
After the dismal failure of Operation: Seedpod in the mid-'50s, Jack Finney's aliens are back on Earth to try Plan B |
|
|
|
Father O'Really Urges Sinners to Bury the Hatchet |
|
|
|
Author puts the dubious concept of micro-expressions under his literary magnifying glass as the TSA begins cracking down on negative facial expressions |
|
|
|
A long-awaited review of the 1981 movie classic |
|
|
|
Why I'm saying goodbye (and #*@!) to online forums |
|
|
|
A Landlubber's guide to the Childhood Crib of Captain |
|
|
|
Go Fish! because we've depleted our oceans, thank you very much! |
|
|
|
Push Comes to Shove in Saluda, Virginia, Restaurant |
|
|
|
The moral example of the baseball pitching coach |
|
|
|
A true story of pettiness and hard feelings in a Northern Virginia shopping mall |
|
|
|
When on CNN ye be! |
|
|
|
When Hurricane Isabel Set Sail for Seaford, Virginia |
|
|
|
Hey, you with the expensive guitar -- you better run, run, run, 'cause Tracy Chapman is talkin' about a revolution now -- and my sick grandma could use those fancy threads of your'n! |
|
|
|
and go easy on my English, too, while you're at it! |
|
|
|
This Summer Jason Bonehead Comes Home, raids the refrigerator, and leaves again, without consoling his understandably worried family with one word of gratitude or explanation by way of a simple handwritten note deposited conspicuously on the kitchen table, the schmuck! |
|
|
|
Vacationing webmaster snaps sizzling photos at sweltering island resort |
|
|
|
At least |
|
|
|
Join the webmaster as he frets about his upcoming vacation |
|
|
|
All Reverend Finchley is saying is give love a chance, gang |
|
|
|
featuring beard-stroking textual analyses of this week's Top 3 rap songs: |
|
|
|
And he means it: HUMPH! |
|
|
|
Stuffy professor analyzes the bejesus out of 70s hit |
|
|
|
Taming the wild beast (and then getting it to put on a tutu and bring you drinks and stuff) |
|
|
|
Trial transcript from The People versus Carukia Barnesi |
|
|
|
A Broken Heart (with a Shattered Piggybank) Speaks Out |
|
|
|
Eggheads, reserve your spot today! |
|
|
|
Live from the Cactus Club on I-473 in Ballard County, Kentucky.... |
|
|
|
Webmaster to party hearty in the Garden State |
|
|
|
In which a newly psyched |
|
|
|
Don't forget to stay for the lobster dinner after the meeting! |
|
|
|
Featuring your favorite rootin- tootin' cyber-cowpoke, Webmaster Q! |
|
|
|
(Prerequisite: Student should already be reasonably hip) |
|
|
|
Webmaster Q and the Private I |
|
|
|
Not so loud -- everyone will want one! |
|
|
|
The taxpaying adventures of Webmaster Q |
|
|
|
Yong Woo Wants You -- or, Impersonating British Relatives for Fun and Profit |
|
|
|
Sing Ho, for the Life of a Niece |
|
|
|
Einen Kleinen Junkmail |
|
|
|
When out in the car park there arose such a clatter, I didn't dare ask myself what was the matter |
|
|
|
Little Jack Horner |
|
|
|
Webmaster tries the Bipartisan Pork with Plum Sauce |
|
|
|
Love in a Time of Junkmail |
|
|
|
I'm too young to die in seven days!!! |
|
|
|
How much do you know about the month of April? Take our test to find out! |
|
|
|
Yankee Doodle went to London just to tell some groaners |
|
|
|
The preacher has cleverly hidden some important ideas about animals and love in today's message |
|
|
|
Out-of-this-world lecture on planet Neptune |
|
|
|
Comedian's Google Rant is a (Primal) Scream! |
|
|
|
Stand-up comic takes a stab at stand-up comedy |
|
|
|
CLASS 2 of 3: One of Professor Chumley's students finally manages to go back in time! |
|
|
|
on the God-given (or at least Jeffersonian-given) right to bear sparklers! (yes, even in the Big Mother state of New Jersey!) |
|
|
|
How Lord Brianberry Came THIS CLOSE to being arrested, with ancillary reflections on the apparently timeless problem of sexism among the nobility |
|
|
|
||
|
A sermon on the moral shortcomings of children |
|
|
|
from Smith Mountain Lake |
|
|
|
The true story behind 1408 by Stephen King |
|
|
|
Aboard the SS UpChuck piloted by Captain Sal Manilla (got it? if not, you will before we return to port!) |
|
|
|
Egghead webmaster finally levels with us about his true actual real life! (...or does he, now??? Hmm....) |
|
|
|
together with some |
|
|
|
with Professor Emeritus Rupert Von Rappenheimer III, alias |
|
|
|
Transcript of Angel Gabriel's 2007 Seminar at the Holiday Inn Newark Airport |
|
|
|
Federal Trade Commission |
|
|
|
Lord, Smite Thou Mine Enemies who Practice Indiscriminate Reciprocal Linking |
Online publisher lifts his Google-related concerns to God (in person, no less!) |
|
|
Virginia Citizens Defense League to Hold Gun Raffle in Government Building |
|
|
|
Out-of-this-world wiseacre runs rings around the comic competition |
|
|
|
another horrifying (or at any rate vaguely disconcerting) campfire story |
|
|
|
O-T-T negativism in 21st-century documentaries |
|
|
|
Philosophy at the pump -- It's a real gas! |
|
|
|
Lip Gloss: A Derridean ontology of Lil' Mama's boo-yaa lyrics |
Welcome to Rap, Rock, and Redaction with Professor Huffenstuff -- er, HuffenSTADT |
|
|
Organist (William Von Pushenfinger III) pulls out all the stops to wake up a nodding congregation |
|
|
|
This church will now come to order! |
|
|
|
Stand-up Christmas Routine with everyone's favorite online comic, Smincey Aloysius Fensterbaron III |
|
|
|
Hauntified Hazmat Team, Batman, it's a standup comedy routine about the movie Session 9 starring David Caruso |
|
|
|
CLASS 1 of 3: Students will learn the basics of time travel and construct their own actual Time Machine during the semester. Prerequisites: thorough knowledge of string theory, black holes, and quantum physics, along with a demonstrated facility in the tasteful appointment of one or more of the following crafts: boats, ships, planes, or cars (to ensure that one's time travel ship does not unwittingly speak volumes about the aesthetic cluelessness of its geeky human cargo). |
|
|
|
Top Dog Riley Beagle trots out his new line of canine clothing from Paris! |
|
|
|
The House of Usher for Blithering Idiots |
|
|
|
with Dr. Horatio P. Weisenhammer III |
|
|
|
and yellow and pink and green, purple and orange and blue....) |
|
|
|
Site Map for Quass.com |
|