Revenge of the Hardwoods

What happens when our trees perfect a Darwinian defense mechanism in response to urban sprawl?

An evolutionary morality tale for today's environmentally challenged lumberjacks

Police have taken several oak trees into custody for questioning in connection with a suspected plot to interfere with the ongoing construction-related deforestation of the greater metropolitan area. A police spokesperson stresses that the region's bulldozer operators and lumberjacks are in no immediate danger, since the time scale of the alleged plan appears to have been on an evolutionary scale, perhaps requiring as many as 10 generations, or about 200 years, to come to fruition. Although there is an official news blackout on most details, one source, speaking on condition of anonymity, says that the trees were plotting to poison the local water supply by dramatically increasing the amount of tannins present in their root systems. Tannins are found in coffee, tea, and wine, and are generally considered harmless at normal levels of consumption (roughly 400 mg. per person, per day). However, studies suggest that tannins may be carcinogenic to humans at significantly larger doses.




Police Inspector Herbert Block warns that there are probably many more trees involved in this scheme than the handful of oaks that they arrested today. "These evolutionary defense mechanisms typically involve entire subspecies," he warned, "so we ask that the public keep an eye out for any unusual behavior in the forests around them." When asked what would constitute "unusual behavior" in an object as apparently motionless as a tree, Block could offer no specific examples, eventually conceding (under cross-examination by an antsy press corps) that the lion's share of public feedback that he was calling for would "probably have to come from our botanists and molecular biologists and such." Block insisted, however, that all area residents should be on the lookout for one tree in particular, namely the Quercus virginiana, or Live Oak, which the authorities are calling a "tree of interest" in their ongoing investigation. The tree is described as roughly 50 feet in height, 4 feet in diameter, with gnarled branches forming "a dense, spreading crown," and was last seen near sandy coastal areas of the state of Virginia.



Contributors to this story:



Woody Williams

Berry Barker


Leaf Garrett




*Editor's note: If you find the above story implausible, consider the recent reports of kudu deaths in southern Africa that have been linked to increased tannin production in the acacia trees on which the antelopes graze. Scientists now believe that the trees produced the excess tannins in response to specific instances of kudu overgrazing during a recent drought. See also Wildwatch.com or search Google for 'acacia, tannin, kudu, overgrazing'.

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