Tuesdandle, Februanny 25, 2003








I'm so proud of myself, I'm ready to burst!

(You better step back, Diary, just in case.)

Well, now, pride isn't just for school kids anymore. Besides, I've earned it: Just look at all the math I've learned (or rather re-learned) with this Math Advantage 2003 software pack from Encore Education. I can plot parabolas, evaluate inverse functions, and offer you a sound definition of a logarithm faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

Need to find the zeroes of a polynomial equation?
I'm your man.
Want to raise a fraction to a negative power?
You know who to call.

Why, I can even predict natural growth and decomposition rates based on algebraic formulas, always assuming you can hook me up with a valid half-life or double-life stat.

So you've got a city whose population is doubling every 10 years, for which you counted 6,000 heads in the year 2000? Fine. I can tell you how many heads you'll count in the year 3000, simply by plugging your data into the time-honored formula of P(t)=Po(2)t/d.

(Let's see, 2, carry the 1....)

Dude! Your town is going to be teeming in 3000, my friend! (Are you sure you gave me the right stats?) I can't give you a precise answer, because my desktop calculator doesn't seem to go that high, but I rather fancy it's time you consider a family planning campaign for the burb in question. Just look for yourself -- your year-3000 population will be:

6,000 times two to the one-hundredth power!!!!

In any case, that gives you an idea of how high-falutin I've become in the field of math lately. (Can I solve or what? Who's the mathematical man?) Unfortunately, I am still at a level where I might be overtaken at any moment by a particularly perceptive grade-school nerd, and since that would naturally mortify me, my study continues. Lucky for me, this tutorial program takes a fellow right through calculus, trig, and statistics. (Can you imagine?) In short, it won't be long before I leave those preteen showoffs in the numerical dust with their fatuous factoring of petty polynomials (ha!), but until I've graduated to the trigonometry disk of this 10-disk course, I won't feel safe. (Now maybe you grok my propensity for bursting on this pleasant Tuesday morning here in northern Virginia, huh? I'm warning you, stand back for your own good!)

See, I hate to get on my high mathematical horse, gang, but this is what one should be doing instead of watching "Joe Millionaire," okay? Not that it's easy. The marketplace behaves as if no one over age 18 would ever THINK of learning anything new, and so almost all educational software out there is targeted towards minors, often featuring adult-shaming front-cover testimonials by Arthur Aardvark and Clifford the Dog (which all but scream out the educational equivalent of the words, "Silly parent, Trix are for kids!")

That's why I like this Math Advantage 2003 software: it teaches according to the Joe Friday school of pedagogy: i.e., "Just the facts, ma'am," while sparing us the arguably unnecessary illustrations of a life-vest clad Reader Rabbit sailing the algebraic ocean, or of the dangerously loopy Ms. Frizzle piloting her airborne school bus full of young science fans. You know what I'm saying? I mean, if we math buffs wanted a coloring book, we'd buy one, okay? No, no, my friend: We want to learn math -- end of discussion. Of course, if the young people feel more comfortable with such gratuitous graphics, fine; but be so good as to release an expurgated version of your diskette that won't potentially embarrass a mature learner like myself. (I've spent years cultivating this "meet and seemly" image of mine: I'm not going to have it tarnished overnight by the public purchase of childishly festooned software!)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to move on to my final chapter in Algebra II: binomial theorem. (Feel free to join me by purchasing the software in question at the Encore Software link below. Just don't tell any grade-school nerds about it yet, at least until I've mastered a chapter or two of Trigonometry -- which, we're talking mid-Summer, hopefully.)

(Don't get complacent on me: I'm still ready to burst --
as in, what a good boy am I!)


Postscript:

Immediately after composing this unconventional (and perhaps not entirely unsatisfying) encomium to continuing education, I realized to my unbounded horror (or at least to my partially circumscribed dismay) that I had used the term "nerd" in referring to grade-schoolers who enjoy studying math: which, how could I be so stupid? We adults should never discourage kids from pursuing mathematics by stigmatizing them as "nerds" and "eggheads" the minute they put their nose to the mathematical grindstone. Kids (bless them) do a good enough job of stigmatizing each other without help from those of us who ought to know better. (That having been said, however, there's no need for junior to overdo it by learning trigonometry or something, especially if their parent -- or in this case, their uncle -- hasn't even learned it yet. I mean, what? are they trying to show us up? Besides, shouldn't they be getting outdoors a little more often? I mean, give some of us adults a chance to learn something for a change. Jeez!)