Okay, right, Pelham 4-5-6, continue on track 1-niner.


Roger that, Garber. (Not that there's any other place I COULD go, of course.)




By the way, Walter, I'm sorry that they demoted you like that.


Yeah, well, stuff happens, you know, Jerry?


Yeah, well, I'd like to give that bastard boss of yours a good piece of my mind, my friend.


Oh, now, Phil's a nice guy when you get to know him.


You're just saying that because your wife and his wife are friends.


No, Jerry, I'm saying that because Phil is standing right behind me, listening to every word that we say.


That's right, Pollard, and if you don't shut up and get back to work, I'll demote you, too.


Oh, yeah?


Yeah. And unlike Garber, here, you don't have very far to fall. I'll have you scraping the bubble gum off of the bottom of the transit authority trash cans outside of 51st Street station.


All right, already, keep your shirt on. I was just joking with you.


And stop using this frequency for idle chitchat, Pollard: You know better than that.


Aye-aye, Captain Bligh.


What did you say? What did he just say?




He said, "Eat and die, Ramos."


What the -- W-Who is this?


I'm your worst nightmare.


Come again?


Well, not so much YOUR worst nightmare, as Garber's worst nightmare.


MY worst nightmare, huh? Well, you don't sound like my ex-wife to ME. Besides, what happened to Jerry? Jerry, are you still there?


I'm sorry, Jerry can't come to the phone right now: he's being hijacked.


Come again, Pelham 4-5-6?


What part of 'hijacked' do you not understand, Garber: the 'hi' or the 'jacked'?


Well, I know that the "jack" part comes from the word "jacklight," which refers to a hunter's light for luring prey, but I'm not sure where the "hi" comes from.


Oh, come on, Garber, don't play games with me: You're a smart guy, after all, right? Harvard graduate, class of 1999.


How do you know that?


You know perfectly well that the "hi" part is just an everyday prefix!


Um, excuse me, Mr. Anonymous, but I beg to differ.


I'm not even TALKING to YOU, Ramos.


Yeah? Well, for your information, Mr. Smart Guy, "hi" is actually what they call a back-formation from the term 'highjacker' --


"'Hi' is actually what they call a back-formation from the term 'highjacker'"


Yeah, that's right, sucker: with 'highjacker' coming from 'jacker,' which in turn comes from the aforementioned 'jacklight.'


Look, I didn't come here today for an etymology lesson, okay? I came here to hijack a subway train and get well-paid for it, too.


What?


What?


Isn't that so, Jerry?


Yeah, do as he says, boss, or he'll shoot me.


Now, don't be ridiculous, Jerry. I'm not going to shoot you!


N-n-no?


No! Of course not! My 7-foot-tall Eastern European crony here with the bad haircut is going to shoot you FOR me, isn't that right, Bashkim?


Grrrrrrrrr! Bad haircut?


L-look, now, calm down. I'm -- I'm sure we can come to some sort of an arrangement.


Oh, we can come to some arrangement, all right, 'cause I've got 18 hostages here and --




Correction, 17 hostages here.


Oh, my god! I think they just shot Jerry!


Bashkim sorry, boss: Bashkim finger slip.


All right, Bashkim...




I'm... I'm going to give you a mulligan on that one.




But if you kill one more hostage before I give you the green light, I'm going to ship you back to Transylvania tonight in a wooden box.


Please tell me that you guys didn't just shoot my buddy Jerry.


I'm sorry, Garber, but if it's any consolation, I'm almost as upset about this as you are. That killing was not in the game plan, I assure you. Old Borat here just got trigger happy, that's all.


Oh, dear!


But the next shooting will NOT be an accident.


Oh, my God: You're not threatening to kill the passengers, are you?


How many times do I have to tell you, Ramos: I am NOT talking to YOU!?


Give it up, Ryder: You'll never get away with this.


Now then, Garber, my friend: How much do you think a New York City hostage is worth these days?


Well, I don't know, Ryder...


Take a guess...


It's hard to say --


Or Lurch here starts shooting again.


Okay, okay, I'd say... what, a million dollars?


Are you kidding? I was thinking more like $10,000 or so, especially in THIS economy.


Okay, whatever: $10,000, then. What's your point?


So, now, if there are 17 passengers in this subway car (that we've disconnected, by the way, from the rest of the train...)



Well, come on, Garber, help me out with the math here: what is 17 times $10,000?


Well, I -- I don't know just offhand like that.


Well, you'd better find out! because if you don't, in five seconds, we'll shoot our first passenger!


Now, just relax. I just need to submit a request form for the information in question through the appropriate channels --


Appropriate channels be damned! I'm counting down now!


Who here is good at math?


Are you kidding? These bozos can't even count their coffee change. I should know: I hired them, remember?


4 seconds, Garber!


What about you, Phil? What's 17 times $10,000?! Quick!


Don't rush me, Garber: I'm trying to think!


3 seconds!


Here you go, Garber: Use my calculator!


2 seconds!


1-7 times 1-0-0-0-0....


1 second till DEATH TIME!!!!


$17,000!!!!!!


How's that?


No, that's $170,000, you idiot, not $17,000!


I mean, $170,000!!!!!!


Very good, Garber, and just in time, too!


Whew! Thank goodness.


But I could have sworn that you incorrectly said $17,000 first before you gave me the correct figure of $170,000.


No, no: I'm right here, Ryder, and I heard him: He definitely said $170,000, both times.


For the 10th time, Ramos, I am talking to Garber here, not you.


Whatever. I'm just saying that he gave you the correct answer so you can't kill any passengers.


And I can't speak for the mayor, of course, but I dare say the city can come up with $170,000 in relatively short order.


Not so fast, Garber: there's a penalty fee for my pain and suffering.


Oh, really? And how much would that be, then?


Well, let's see here... 5 divided by 4... carry the 1...


Yes? Yes?


There's a penalty fee of $830,000 --


So then, what's the total amount that we owe you in ransom?


You tell ME: What's $830,000 plus $170,000, Garber?


Oh, boy, here we go again: Somebody hand me back that calculator -- and this time I'm going to keep it for a while, if you don't mind, because this guy is an obvious math freak.


Let's see 8-3-0-0-0-0 plus --


Look, never mind: The answer is one million dollars, okay? -- in small unmarked bills.


One million dollars?! But -- but --


You've got one hour to deliver the goods...


Be reasonable!


Starting now.


Or else what, Ryder?


Or else I tell the Terminator here to fire at will!




Hello? Ryder? Ryder?




Pelham 4-5-6: Come in, Pelham 4-5-6!


Nice job, Garber, you handled that well.




Yeah, nice job, Garber: You only allowed one person to die. Rooty-tooty for you.




Oh, don't listen to him, he's just jealous of your obvious people skills.


Well, I can't afford to piss him off any further if I ever hope to get my job back in the prestigious corner office.


Don't worry about it: When the mayor learns how good you are at hostage negotiations, he'll promote you right over Ramos's head.


Do me a favor, Garber, when you're done accepting those largely unearned kudos from your fellow desk jockeys, dial 911 and tell the cops what's going on.


Right away, sir!


I can't wait till the appropriate authorities are handling this: The last thing we need is for a disgraced and demoted former transit official to be handling hostage negotiations for the MTA.




Out of my way, people. I'm from Homeland Security. That's it: step aside, folks.


Now who is THIS clown?


Are you the guy that's been talking to this nut?




Uh, ahem, yes, he is, but he reports to me: I'm the boss here, I'm in charge. But let me introduce myself: head man Phil Ramos at your service. I run the place.


Okay, fine, but who is this gentleman that was actually talking to the hijacker?


Oh, him? I forget his name, he's just one of the rank and file. In fact, I was just getting ready to send him home because he obviously has no business performing hostage negotiations on behalf of the MTA.


But... the guy did say he only wanted to talk to ME.


Well, that's too bad, Mister...


Garber -- Walter Garber.


That's too bad, Mr. Garber, but I'm the federal government bigwig that's trained for this work, so this what's-his-name Ryder fellow will just have to settle for talking to me. Now, then: Which button do I push here to get through to that bozo.


Uh, the blue one, sir.


Are you still here, Garber? Get going: I'll help the man with the button pushing from here on out. Now, go home to your wife and be thankful that we didn't just plain fire you when you were indicted on those bribery charges in Japan.




Remind me again, what button should I push? I think it's about time I talked to that madman.


Right here, sir: In fact, I'll do it for you: See? The blue one.


Okay, great. So now I'm on the air?


What? Yes, you're on the air now.


Oh, so he can already hear me, then?


Yes, I can already hear you, you idiot.


Well, that's good, because we're going to just have a nice little chat and come to a satisfactory conclusion to this whole nasty business.


What happened to Garber?


Uh, his shift ended, so he had to leave.


What?


So now I thought I'd talk with you for a bit, so we could get to be friends, maybe.


And YOU would be...?


Antonio Camonetti, Emergency Director of the joint FBI-CIA Terrorist Task Force in the SWAT Division of the Transportation Security Agency, Office of Homeland Security.


Oh, well, lah-dee-da. I hate to disappoint you, bozo, but I still want to talk to my good buddy Garber!


Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Ryder, but you'll just have to deal with me from now on. You can't show any weakness to these madmen: You've just got to draw the line right up front. Watch me, Phil, and I'LL show you how to talk to a terrorist.


Now, you listen to me, douche bag, if I'm not talking to Garber in 10 seconds, I am going to shoot a passenger.


Oh, yeah, SURE you are, Ryder. Humph!


10...


He's bluffing.


9...


No worries...


8...


Um, does somebody want to track down Garber and bring him back...


7...


just on the still probably very slight chance that Ryder might be serious about killing somebody?


6...


Garber... ... You've got to come back at ONCE! He's going to kill somebody in 5 seconds if he can't talk to you.


Oh, my: So the boss feels that bad about giving me the bum's rush that he's threatening to kill somebody?


No, it's the terrorist who's threatening -- Oh, very funny,
Like this is a time for jokes: Now, get back in that room and save a life! GO!






1...


I'm here, Ryder! I'm here! There's no need to kill anybody at all!


Well, if it isn't my old friend Garber. That old Eastern European scarecrow of mine almost shot somebody on account of you bailing out on me like that.
Well, I'm sorry, but I had to... but I... had to powder my nose, shall we say? Yeah, that's it: I had to powder my nose.


Had to powder his NOSE?????


Yeah? Well, don't let it happen again, Garber, because I still have 17 passengers here as hostages, remember.


Yes, what about these hostages of yours? Are they in good condition?


Well, let me check: Yes, it looks like they all get enough exercise and eat right.


No, I mean --


And I'm happy to report that it's your typical diverse group of New York City subway riders: Some tall, some short; some dark, some light; some old, some young; some male, some female.


Well, you got me there. I've got to admit: that's not particularly shabby on the diversity front. What about Latinos?


Garber?!


Yes, there are 4 Latinos, at least, and at least as many Asians.


Yeah, but what about handica--


How's that, Garber?


What about folks with special challenges?


I'm glad you asked: Sir, would you wheel over here to the microphone and confirm to my friend Garber here over the radio that you are indeed sitting in your own private wheelchair, even as we speak?


What? I don't understand.


Look, buddy, just answer these two questions for me while I hold this microphone to your mouth: Are you currently my hostage?


Yes, apparently so, more's the pity.


And are you or are you not currently seated in a wheelchair?


Well, yes, I am.


There, Garber, see?


Good work, Ryder, you're getting him off-topic.


Oh, and by the way: If you think all your flattery about my liberal hiring practices (or rather my liberal hostage-taking practices) is going to get me off-topic, I should warn you that you have just 50 minutes now to get me that million dollars I asked for.


Uh, yeah, Ryder, that's on the way.


Oh, and did I mention that I want you personally to bring me the money, Garber?






Okay, Ryder, I will bring you the money.


That's my MAN! Whoo-hoo! I love you, Garber. It must have been fate that you were manning the dispatcher desk when I first phoned this one in.


You don't have to do this, Garber.


Well, if you really think I SHOULDN'T...


No, I didn't say that: I'm just reminding you that to do so would be 'above and beyond the call of duty'...


Yeah, it would, wouldn't it?


Still, I'd be the last one to get in your way if (as seems to be the case here) you felt so strongly about this thing that you'd hate yourself for the rest of your life if you didn't follow through with your initial impulse to help out.


What's all that jabbering I'm listening to, Garber? Are you coming or not?


Yes, I'm on my way.


Good. And come alone.


I will.


With the million dollars.


Of course.


In a suitcase on wheels.


Now, how am I supposed to fit myself into a suitcase on wheels?




What? I've got to say something to buy time, don't I?


The suitcase is for the million dollars, Jay Leno.


Oh, yeah: of course.


Well, what are you waiting for, Garber? If you're not here in 10 minutes, my Rent-a-Bully will start passing out the mother of all pink slips, one by one, to my 17 multicultural hostages!






Ah, so THERE you are, Garber!


Ryder? Is that you?


See? I knew you'd be good-looking. Just look at that handsome mug of yours. And intelligent, too, of course, girlfriend, I am telling you!


Uh, th-thank you?


In a saner world, we would have been good friends, Garber.


You think so?


We would have been bowling buddies, made weekend trips to Atlantic City and -- and to Pimlico race track or whatever.


Pimlico? You do realize that's way down in Maryland, don't you?


Is Pimlico in Maryland?


Yeah, boss, Pimlico is down in Laurel, Maryland.




I know because me and my former cellmate used to go there every weekend.


Put a dirty sweat sock in it, Hulk Hogan: I'm talking to my buddy Garber here, not to you!


Yes, boss.


Now count the money in that suitcase that Garber has got laying there on the tracks.


Yes, boss.


Good. And now that this 'nasty business,' as Camonetti called it, is just about over, I have a question for you, Garber?


Oh, yeah?


Well, don't just stand there gaping on the track. Come into the conductor booth with me so we that can have a heart to heart talk.


Oh, right.


That's it, up you go: Watch your step.


Oh, dear.


Oh, and please pardon the blood. I was going to have Bashkim clean it up, but then I realized that we may still need to kill a few more people, so we may as well postpone cleaning up until we're sure we've offed the final victim.


That makes sense.


No sense in cleaning up a seat and immediately getting it bloody again!


You had a question for me?


I just wanted to know how you did it.


How I did what?


How you got that $30,000 bribe in Japan.


But I didn't get a $30,000 bribe in Japan.


Oh, yes, you did.


Oh, no, I didn't.


Oh, yes, you did.


Oh, no, I didn't.


Did.


Didn't.


Did.


Didn't.


Did.


Okay, okay: I took the bribe, I admit it!


See? I knew you were just like me, just trying to get ahead in an evil world.


Well, look, I'm sorry, but I had a lot of bills to pay.


Of course you did.


Take my cable bill, for instance: It's through the roof, Ryder, absolutely through the roof.


Let me guess: $80 a month?


I wish: More like $134!


You're kidding me.


Of course, I do have the full monty: digital cable, high-speed internet, and digital phone.


Yeah, but still: $134??! What a rip!


Tell me about it.


Who are you with?


I beg your pardon?


Do you get cable through Time Warner or Comcast?


Oh, I don't know: Time Warner, I think.


Well, there's your problem: I get that exact same deal with Comcast for more like $80 a month!


I've finished counting the money, boss: The $1 million is all here.


Good.




What's this?


That's my calculations...




In case you wanted to check my math.


Bash, do me a favor?


Yes, boss.


Go back and leer ominously at the passengers for a minute while I finish chatting with Garber here.


Yes, boss.


So, I guess I'll be going now.


Oh, no, Garber. You've got to take a walk with Bashkim and me so that I can finish this caper with the pleasure of your fine company.


What?


Well, it's your own fault, Garber: If you weren't such a good people person, I'd have no use for you here.


Well, thank you... I guess.


And now that we've finally established the fact that we're both basically decent people and that society virtually made us do bad things...


Hey, I blame nobody but myself.


Whatever. Now let's go for a walk. Bashkim! Get out here, we're going.

Follow us, Ryder. We're going to walk a half-mile down this tunnel here to a conveniently located exit that only I know about, thank you very much.


Hey, boss, should I throw the (ahem!) 'switch' on the subway car before we leave?


Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. Throw the switch, Bashkim.


Switch? What switch?


I wanted to try a little science experiment to see how fast a loaded subway train could get going before it ran off the tracks.


You're mad.


Hey, listen, refer all complaints to Society writ-large, Garber. I've already told you that THEY made me do it.


I can't let you do that, Ryder.




Bashkim, shoot him!


Oh, boss! I'm over here trying to turn this subway car into a roller coaster like you said: I can't do everything at ONCE!


Well, then go ahead, Garber: shoot me.


No, I'm not going to shoot you.


Shoot me, please: I'm not going back to jail.


Boss, which color button do I push to get this car moving?


We went over that 100 times, Bashkim: the red one: press the red one!


Yes, I know: the red one, but there are a dozen buttons on this thing and at least THREE of them look red to me in this dim light.


Oh, Bashkim, just come out here and surrender.


Good call, Ryder, especially seeing as how 20 of New York's Finest are now approaching us with guns drawn, ready to take you down.


Now, shoot me, Garber: please!


I'm not gonna shoot you.


You better shoot me in 5 seconds, or I am going to shoot you with the gun that I just happen to be packing in my coat pocket here.


What is it with you and all these countdowns?


Huh?


Do you do this everywhere?


How do you mean?


Like this is you at McDonald's, right? I better have those chicken nuggets in 30 seconds, or I am going to find the manager and insist that he fire you!


Okay, okay.


And then you're like, '30, 29, 28...' in that bombastic hostage-taking tone of yours.


Um, Garber, can we please get back to the business at hand?


Oh, yeah, sorry: Where were we?


I was demanding that you shoot me in 5 seconds.


No, I won't shoot you.


4 seconds!


Nope, not gonna happen.


3 seconds!


Don't go for that hidden gun that you mentioned, Ryder!


2 seconds!




I...


Yes, yes?


I l-l...


What's that, Ryder?


I l-love you, man....... ugh!


What did he say to you, Mr. Garber?


What's that? Oh, nothing, nothing. He was just ranting.


Surely you could make out something.


Uh, yeah, I think he was saying...


Yes? Yes?


"I hate you, Garber!"


Indeed?


Yeah. He was like, "Ooh, I hate you so much!"


sardonically: Uh-huh.


And then he died.


Well, anyway, my boss, Comanetti, sends his congratulations via police radio.


Tell him thanks, but the kudos may be a little premature, since I just remembered that the Incredible Hulk is still at large.




Can someone help me out, PLEASE?


What have you got there? What are you doing?


Am I going crazy, or are there not three buttons on this thing that are red?!


Oh, now, drop the -- whatever that thing is!






Here, Bashkim, let me look at it. Now, come on: Hold it up to the light so I can see.


See? I swear on my Eastern European mother's grave that there are three red lights on this blessed thing!


Oh, no, check it out now that I've got it in the light, Bashkim.


What?


See? These two here are actually pink!


Pink?


Yeah, it's this one right HERE that's red.




Now, that's torn it.


What? What did I do?


You just sent the passengers on Pelham 4-5-6 on the mother of all roller-coaster rides.


Don't worry, Mr. Garber, sir, you're still going to come out of this thing as a big New York City hero.


Oh, well, it was nothing, really. (Gee, I do hope they're all going to be all right!)


Always providing, of course, that your boss back at the transit center can figure out a way to stop that obviously booby-trapped car before it crashes.


That's right, Garber: In fact, if that subway car crashes, don't bother coming in for work tomorrow morning.




And if the subway car does NOT crash, Garber, meet me at my office at 8:00 A.M. tomorrow morning so that we can give you the keys to the city and a 6-figure check for a job well done!


Uh, Mayor, Sir, I'd prefer that you make that check out to the widow of poor Jerry Pollard


Well, that's mighty noble of you, Mr. Garber.


After all, I did cause his death.


Oh, nonsense.


Well, he died on my watch: let's put it that way.


Even so, Mr. Garber, you're still 17 for 18 on the night! That still makes you a hero in my book.


Why, thank you, sir.


Always providing that the Pelham 4-5-6 doesn't crash, of course.




Oops.


Listen, Garber, about those keys to the city --


Hang on, Mr. Mayor, we're getting ecstatic reports from the scene telling us that everyone miraculously survived the crash and is leaving the car on their own two feet.


And their own two wheels, right, Phil? I mean, there was a passenger riding in a wheelchair, wasn't there?


Oh, yeah: He's apparently fine, too.


Oh, good.
In short, Garber, I not only want you to come back to work tomorrow morning, but I want you to go back to your glass-lined corner office. I'll even make sure that your name and new title (MTA Vice President) are stenciled in large letters on the glass of your office door.


Oh, Phil, now I think his title should be MTA President, what about you?


But with all due respect, sir, I am already the MTA President.


Are you sure?


How do you mean?


I think if you check your e-mail tomorrow morning, you'll see that you've been demoted to train dispatcher.


But -- but why?


The organization was getting a little top-heavy, Phil.


But --


Besides, we want to give you a chance to shine, too -- as a hostage negotiator for the MTA, I mean.


Are you saying what I think you're saying, Sir?


Yes, Phil: there's going to be a sequel to Pelham 4-5-6!


Nooooooooooooo!