Announcer
Introducing the musically talented wise guy who plays the base buffoon in a one-man band of fools...
Webmaster Brian Quass!!!
What's happening, Las Vegas!!!!
Here we see a surprisingly prophetic work of the young Claude Monet, who seems to have anticipated Vegas, right down to the Eiffel Tower and Caesar's Palace!
(Base buffoon, indeed! Humph!)
Welcome to Hotel Flamingo!
I did ask to stay in the Wynn this week, but between global warming and the bad economy, it just wasn't in the cards, folks -- that and the fact that I have the stingiest agent on God's green coconut!
My agent, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Riddlesby at table number 8, along with several perhaps somewhat underdressed young ladies who shall remain shameless -- er, I mean, nameless! Nameless!
No, seriously: It's tough all over, folks? It really is.
Lewd whistles
What? I'm talking about the U.S. economy, people, jeepers!
Ah, yes, Las Vegas: Land of Bugsy Siegel, the Rat Pack, the nearby Hoover Dam and Lake Mead...
My wonderful sister-in-law in nearby Spring Valley.
I say wonderful: she never invited me to her wedding 10 years ago -- but let bygones be bygones, right?
Sigh
I mean, I almost certainly couldn't have made it to the occasion in question, so you have to ask yourself, what skin would it have been off her back to merely invite me to the thing?
But, like I say, Vegas.
No, that's fine. For all I know, she may be in the audience tonight, and the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings.
Pause
although that's certainly on my list, don't get me wrong?
You know, this place started out as a railroad town.
Hey, listen: I read the tourist pamphlets, okay? That's what they're there for.
Yes, it seems that the Union Pacific had a line from L.A. to Salt Lake City in the early 20th century and they figured that this here Las Vegas Valley was just the place to build a repair shop and way station.
Oh, it may not have looked like much at the time, but there was plenty of underwater agua on account of the snowmelt from Nearby Mount Charleston.
Say, I really know my onions when it comes to Sin City here, don't I? So, I'll tell you what: Let's Play Jeopardy!
Las Vegas for 200, Alex!
The Answer Is: His 4-year stay on the top floor of the Desert Inn in 1966 marked the beginning of corporate influence in Las Vegas.
Who is Howard Hughes, Alex?
That is correct.
Las Vegas for 400.
The answer is: This novel by Hunter Thompson gave America a new psychedelic take on Sin City.
What is "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," Alex?
Correct. Select again, smarty-pants.
Alex, please! Ahem. Las Vegas for 600.
The answer is: With 3,000 guest rooms, an indoor forest and an outdoor volcano, this was the largest hotel in the world in 1989.
What is the Mirage, Alex?
Yes, the Mirage: Erected by businessman Steve Wynn. Select again, dawg.
Dawg? Why I -- Las Vegas for 800, please.
The answer is: Hotel in which the Rat Pack performed in the 1960s.
What is the Sands, Alex?
Right you are. The Rat Pack, of course, featuring Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, Joey Bishop, and Dean Martin. Select again, o High and Mighty.
Alex, please -- uh, Las Vegas for 1,000.
The answer is: This nearby eighth wonder of the world boosted Vegas tourism in the early '30s.
What is Hoover Dam, Alex?
You shoot, you score! That is what Alex Trebek is talking about now!
Not bad, huh?
Like I say, I had hoped to be in the Wynn, but it's tough times, folks. Are you kidding?
Pause
My friend went down to Disneyland last week and he saw a sign that said "Disneyland left," yeah?
Pause
and so he went home!
Get it? The sign said Disneyland left, so he went home!?
Boo! Hiss!
Of course, any cognoscenti of cult comedy classics will recognize that latter bon mot of mine as a gem from the stand-up comedy routine of a certain Vic at Mr. V's night club in the sixth (and, alas, final) episode of "Police Squad" starring Leslie Nielsen...
Silence
Right. But as we have no such cognoscenti in the audience tonight...
No, I tell a lie: We have one cult comedy cognoscenti in the back, who is flailing his apparently chubby hands even as we speak -- However, it looks like it's the sous chef, Richie, so he probably doesn't count in this regard.
Rich Featherstone, ladies and gentlemen: If you haven't tried his Asian dumplings yet, you haven't lived.
How's that, Rich? You don't cook Asian dumplings? Okay, my bad: Anyone out there who had deduced from my previous comment that they had not yet lived can now stop laboring under that apparently false assumption. It turns out that you've probably lived after all, insomuch as Rich Featherstone here doesn't even COOK Asian dumplings. So there!
(I must be thinking of his broiled shrimp.)
Lewd whistles
Honestly, you guys could place a lewd construction on anything!
We comedians can just speak prosaic lines up here at random and then sit back and wait for you guys to make up your own raunchy punchlines off of them!
Sorry about that, Rich: The last thing I want to do is embarrass you in front of everybody...
although that's still on my list, of course.
No, actually, embarrassing you, Rich, is what you'd call the penultimate thing that I want to do tonight. The very LAST thing on my list is to hurt the feelings of that thoughtless sister-in-law I mentioned who snubbed me at her own wedding.
No, seriously, you guys have been great!
But it looks like my agent is being overwhelmed by all those perhaps somehwat underdressed young ladies that I referenced at the beginning of my gig. Hang on, help is on its way, Frank!
Ladies, unhand that man! Yeah, why don't you pick on someone your own size. In short, let's see if you have the guts to lay hands on ME! It's easy enough to lay hands on an obvious fat cat with dollar bills sticking out of his half-inverted pockets, but let's see you lay hands on a civilian for a change.
I've thrown down the gauntlet, folks: Now I'm off to see if these shameless -- er, um, nameless -- ladies will deign to pick it -- d-d-d-deign to pick it up, that is.
Now, then, ladies: unhand my agent! The very idea! (Frank, you unhand them, too, now, as a sort of goodwill gesture on your part. Please? It's only fair, Frank! Oh, come on, Frank! Give somebody else a turn now!)
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Papa needs a new pair of shoes
I promised myself I wouldn't gamble, but you know how that goes, folks. I'm not going to tell you how I did -- suffice it to say that papa's 'new pair of shoes' turned out to be freakin' flip-flops, however.
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