Chapter I: Believeth the Hype
And in that day shall come forth a Dreamwalker from beyond the furthest anti-gravitational island in the Hallelujah Mountains, and his brain shall be beautiful, but his mind childish.
The viperwolf will nip at his heels and the Helicoradian flowers shrink and despoil themselves at his touch, but he shall yet win the faith of the valiant Neytiri and the Omaticayan people by his steadfast devotion to the politically correct (if somewhat anti-rational) sensibilities of the Na'vi people.
He shall bond with the Mountain Banshee in a ceremony that will smack of consensual sex and they shall fly among the inverted islands in a sort of post-orgasmic buzz, outmaneuvering the Direhorse and implicitly summoning the Na'vi people to revolt against the evil bad awful (if perhaps somewhat one-dimensional) bad guys from (you guessed it) the United States of America, hereafter known as the (ahem, ahem) Sky People (wink, wink).
And the action shall be pleasing
the original text has 'meet and seemly'
to the erstwhile jaundiced eye of the movie-goer, for they shall glimpse therein a parable against oppression, notwithstanding the inevitable quips from the opposition claiming that, in other circumstances outside the black-and-white parameters of Cameron's morality play, this lovey-dovey paradigm ideologically entails immoral inaction in the face of tyranny.
And although, verily, the Goddess may divulgeth not the details of the exciting ending (lest said Goddess be 'sued up the wazoo' by Tristar Pictures), sufficeth it to say that the good guys shall annihilate
literally 'smite the noddles of'
the Sky People, securing a victory for the charmingly simplistic (if somewhat self-contradictory) philosophy of the Na'vi peoples, who are proud and strong and fierce because... because...
Well, because they're the Na'vi people, doggone it: You got a problem with that?! (They're not stupid Sky People for starters, and surely that's SOMETHING! Humph!)
Chapter II: Notice thou not the sometimes breathtaking hypocrisy
And in that day shall come forth a webmaster named Brian Quass who shall poketh fun at the plot of Avatar, finding therein but a heavy-handed morality play designed to reinforce and perpetuate pre-existing stereotypes against the Sky People, claiming (oh, the blasphemy of it all!) that 'Sky People are people, too, you know.'
And verily this shall so piss and irritate and offend the Na'vi people and their defenders that they shall linketh not to Brian's web page, neither shall they 'big him up' on Twitter nor on StumbleUpon nor on Facebook nor on Reddit; neither shall they Digg nor Buzz him nor granteth unto him backlinks from their MySpace page nor Wordpress blog. For the wicked shall flourisheth not -- or at any rate, they won't be on the first freaking 31 pages of any half-way-intuitive Google search, that's for sure! Humph!
Chapter III: I said BELIEVETH THE HYPE -- this is an order!
And the goddess of the tree came forth from the Hallelujah Mountains, suffering her golden locks to fall all unheeded about her somewhat scantily clad person, and spoketh these words (in a perhaps somewhat uncharacteristically shrill voice, even for her):
Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, Brian! So there!
Thus said the Goddess in her Great Speaking, yea, thus spaketh she, mincing not her words in her great scorn for the sorry wretch who would fain pretend that everyone is equal, when the Goddess hath declared from time immemorial that greatness lies in one's proud membership in a (preferably exotic) tribe, not in one's individual character outside of The Great Collective. Humph! Must the Goddess invoketh Karl Marx here to maketh her point? She hopeth not!
Hearing which terse asseverations, Brian rose from his office chair in his 11th-floor apartment and rent his garment
the original translation says that he 'untucked his t-shirt'
and shaved off his hair
the original translation says that he 'mussed up his hair with great vehemence'
, voicing the no-doubt peevish counterclaim that the Goddess was indulging in reactionary dogmatism, thereby preserving the self-same intolerance to which her whole separatist movement was initially the response.
Hearing which, the Goddess so smoked and fumed and stewed in the now-sizzling juice of her righteous indignation that...
Note: Unfortunately, the manuscript ends here, so we may never know to what lengths the now obviously livid Goddess went to further rebuke her earthly nemesis. Nevertheless, most scholars agree that she was 'royally pissed off' at this point and that she may have even sworn at Brian -- but that's speculation, of course. Unfortunately, that's all we have until we find the rest of the scroll.
Brian suspects that the remaining text may be located in a coin-operated locker in the Greyhound Bus Station in Richmond, Virginia. He is currently attempting to raise funds from corporate clients so that he can make the 120-mile trek to the south to investigate this hunch. Donations may be sent by way of the planet Polyphemus to Pandorans for Common Sense; 2000 Eywa Blvd, Viperwolf Terrace, PC-BS.
See also:
L'Avatar
