Good afternoon. My name is Neil Headstrong. I'm with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.


Indeed?


We're here on a sort of "off-the-record" trip to your planet, trying to determine if there is intelligent life on Mars. So if you have a few moments, I have a brief list of questions I'd like to ask you, to see if you possess what we humans call intelligence -- or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. (Nyuk-nyuk). No, seriously: It won't take a second.


How fascinating. Honey, there's a featherless biped out here who's looking for intelligent life on Mars.


That would be Flovar -- but I'm afraid he's on Venus until the 21st Quark of Nadar.


Well, look, it doesn't matter WHO it is, as long as it's a Martian -- Did you say that he was on Venus?


Yes. Why? Does our Martian ability to fly there presuppose intelligence, do you think?


It may very well at that.


Well, feel free to survey me. I was never the brightest star in the Orion's Belt, but I know how many Pingots are in a Fentar.


Excuse me? Sally, what is he talking about?


It's an old Martian expression: Basically, he knows what side his Martian toast is buttered on.


I see. Well, if I could just get your name.


My name, as you call it (what we Martians would call my "personal signifier") is Pektar of the Daedalla Planum.


I see. And how do you spell that?


What, Daedalla Planum?


No, "Pektar."


Pektar -- P-e-k... Honey, what would be the Earthings' transliteration of Doma-Rasna-Ko? Oh, yes: ...t-a-r.


Gotcha. Now, perhaps we could come inside there to ask you these questions. There's only a few of them. (It is negative 81 degrees Fahrenheit out here, after all.)


Right you are: come right in. (Incoming, honey.)


Oh, Pektar, I haven't even dusted!


Tell your wife or whatever not to make a fuss.


They won't be a minute, honey. We'll just sit on the meteorites in the front hall.

Incidentally, she's not my wife, as you call it -- she's what we Martians call my Scoo-Scoo. That means --


Never you mind what that means. I'm sure it's all above-aboard and appropriate, but as I'm not an interplanetary sociologist myself, I wouldn't touch that subject with a 10 foot Land Rover.


Yes, well, do have a seat in any case.


On these Shergottites, do you mean?


So that's what you astronauts call these Martian meteorites.


Yes. They have the loveliest green color, thanks to their core composition of olivine and pyroxene!


Oh, really? I hadn't noticed. I just knew that they were on sale for half-price at Wal*Mars.


Honey, you're going to make us Martians out to sound like real cheapskates!


Oh, right, sorry, dear: Now then, you had some questions to ask me in order to see if we Martians are an intelligent life form?


Oh, yes: Uh, let's see: Question number one: If Johnny has two apples and Billy has three apples and I take one apple from Billy and give it to Johnny, how many apples does Johnny now have?


You're kidding me, right?


No, that's the first question.


Well, Johnny has three "apples," as you call them.


Okay, very good.


You did say that you were searching for INTELLIGENT life, didn't you?


Don't worry, the questions do get harder.


I hope so!


Question number two: True or false: If A is equal to B and B is equal to C, A is equal to C.


Duh. The answer is true.


Okay, okay: we'll give you a harder question!


Thank you.


Let's see: Is there water on Mars?


Ah, that's more like it: There is no RUNNING water on Mars, however there is a cycle of evaporation and condensation as evidenced by the presence of clouds and fog in our atmosphere. Moreover there's plenty of so-called water-ice on our two poles, much like the ice on the poles of your planet Earth.


Very good!


Well, thank you for giving me the chance to shine with a decent question at long last!


Okay, here's a follow-up question so that we can see if you really DO know your onions.


If I know my onions?


Sally, would you translate that idiom for me?


EK-BLEK-MILWAUKEE-SEVEN.


Ah, ha ha! I get it: Know my onions! Very good!


And now the follow-up question: There are actually TWO types of ice on the poles of Mars. One is the water-ice that you have mentioned and the other is what?


Oh, that's easy- peasey- lemon- squeezey, as your British astronauts would say.


Well?


The other kind of ice on the Martian poles is DRY ice.


And dry ice is made out of...?


Dry ice is made out of carbon dioxide, of course!


Excellent. You are doing great, Pektar!


Did you hear that, honey? I'm acing this intelligence test!


Oh, that's wonderful. I'd hate to see these astronauts return to Earth bearing the news that we Martians are a bunch of dumb clucks!


I do have a few more questions.


Fire away.


Our next question is on current events. Now, NASA landed a spacecraft on the Martian surface on May 25th, 2008. What was it called?


Oh, don't tell me: You're talking about the one that landed near the North Pole, right, on the northern plains of this planet?


Exactly.


Can I use a lifeline?


What?


Honey, what was the name of that spacecraft that landed near the North Pole on May 25, 2008?


What, the Phoenix Mars Lander, do you mean?


Yes, that's it: It was the Phoenix Mars Lander.


Well --


And that's my final answer!


And you are RIGHT!


Fantastic!


You know, Pektar, I believe that there may just be intelligent life on this planet after all.


Yes!


But don't relax just yet: I have a few more questions to ask you.


Go ahead: I'm on a roll!


Okay, now, we've mentioned that the Phoenix Lander landed near the North Pole.


Right.


But for comparison's sake, give us an idea of how far north this location would be on the planet Earth.


Oh, dear. Well, I seem to recall that the Phoenix Mars Lander came down at 233 degrees East longitude and... something like 63 degrees North latitude... so that would put it in the low country of our so-called Vastitas Borealis...


Yes?


Which I imagine would be about in the vicinity of Alaska on your planet Earth.


That's right!


Whoo-hoo! Can I quit now and keep the money?!


I think you have the wrong idea, Pektar, based no doubt on some television program signals that you've picked up recently from Earth.


You mean we're not playing "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"


I'm afraid not.


Oh, pooh.


Still, you'll surely "go down in history," as we say, if you answer all these questions correctly.


Really?


Of course: Because then you will have definitively proven that there is, in fact, intelligent (nay, even HIGHLY intelligent) life on Mars.


But I still don't win any money?


Well, don't worry your pretty little triangular head about that: If you help us prove that there is intelligent life on Mars, the next Mars Lander we send here will be loaded with book deals in the six- and even seven-figure range!


Now we're talking!


Between you and me, I already think that you are intelligent --


Why, thank you!


But for the record, I'd better ask all the questions that NASA has given me here, to make things nice and official like.


Oh, yes: We Martians wouldn't want to be considered stupid merely based on some terrestrial technicality or oversight!


Here are a few quick questions about the Phoenix Mars Lander:

It lifted off from Florida in which month in 2007?


Honey?


I believe it was August.


I'm going to go with August.


Is that your final answer? (Oh, now you've got ME doing it!)


Yes, it's my final answer.


And you are....




Correct! The Phoenix Mars Lander lifted off on August 2007!


Give me another one: I am hot to trot!


Oh, here's a good one: How many months did it take the Phoenix Mars Lander to get from the Earth to Mars?


Oh, that's easy enough. It lifted off in August 2007 and landed in late May 2008, so it obviously took about nine months to get here!


Exactly! I'm impressed.

Finally, we have a bit of an open-ended question to test your general range of knowledge.


Uh-oh. Sounds like I may need to use another lifeline.


Hey, as long as you seek help from another individual of the Martian race, you can ask anybody that you like.


Wow! How fair is that?!


Now then: You've answered a few specific questions about the Phoenix Mars Lander, but now tell us a variety of details about it in order to make us feel that you really understand the spacecraft and its mission.


Okay, honey, here goes nothing:

Well, first of all, The Phoenix Mars Lander is different from the Mars Exploration Rovers (or MERs as they're called) that were sent to the planet in 2003 and 2004.


Oh? How so?


Well, the Lander, as the name suggests, does just that: it lands, end of discussion. In other words, it doesn't "rove."


Okay. And?


But that's okay, because the real goal of the Lander is to dig up some of the ice on which it lands.


Very good. And why might the Lander be digging up this ice?


Well, it has to do with the whole business of life on Mars: You see, the presumption is that life on Mars would require water in liquid form, and so what better way to study the possibilities of past and/or present life on Mars than by studying the so-called water-ice near the Pole?


You are blowing me away with these answers!


I am "blowing" you away?


Sally, translate.


HIK-TIK-MIAMI-BING.


Oh, blowing you away. I get it. Very good.


And now the very last question.


Hey, wait a minute, I just thought of something.


Yes?


If NASA is looking for life on Mars, why do they need to wait for data on this subject from their Mars Lander when you yourself as an apparent NASA employee are speaking face to face with an actual bona fide Martian, videlicit myself?!


Well, I...

Hmm...

I guess --


YES?


I guess we never thought of that...


I'm beginning to wonder if there is intelligent life on EARTH!


Uh, Houston, we have a problem -- or rather, Houston, we have a solution -- to the question of life on Mars, that is.

Oh, but wait a minute: Before I tell them that you guys exist, let me ask you the final question so that I can be officially certain that you are indeed the intelligent life form that you appear to be.


I'm all ears (well, I'm five ears and three eyes, to be precise, but who's counting, right? Ha ha! Oh, I wish that I were on that "Millionaire" show right now: I am hot tonight, girlfriend, I am telling you!)


Okay, now, we've just mentioned the two previous missions to Mars, namely those two MERs, or Mars Exploration Rovers, that landed in 2003 and 2004.


Right.


For a fantastic score of 100% on this intelligence test, Pektar, here is your final question: What were the names of those two rovers, both of which were launched from Cape Canaveral in the summer of 2003?


Honey!


I'm afraid I don't know what the humans called them, dear.


Oh, rats.


You can try another lifeline, as you call them.


Okay: I'm going to have to call my brother-in-law, Flovar, on Venus.


Venus, huh? I still can't believe that you Martians actually travel to Venus. Wait until NASA hears this.

Okay, now if Sally back on the ship would patch me through to Flovar on Venus...





Hello.


Hello. This is Astronaut Neil Headstrong from the NASA television program entitled "Who Wants to Be an Intelligent Life Form."


Oh, hi, Neil.


How's the weather out there?


Oh, the same as always. Mostly cloudy, high in the upper 800 degrees fahrenheit.


Oh, dear.


The good news is that the eternal clouds here keep it from getting significnatly hotter than that.


Oh, that's nice.


The bad news is that the clouds in question are basically composed of sulphuric acid.


Ouch.


You think YOU guys have a Greenhouse Effect -- we Venutians KNOW from Greenhouse Effect, believe me!


Flovar, your brother-in-law Pektar here on Mars would like help in answering his final question in our intelligence quiz.


Okay, I'll do my best.


Pektar, go ahead. You have 30 seconds.


Yes, Flovar, I need to know the name of the two space rovers that NASA landed on Mars in the years 2003 and 2004.



Well, they were MERs, weren't they, or Martian Exploration Rovers?



I know that, but NASA also gave them their own informal names. What did they call them?



Oh, dear.



20 seconds, Pektar.


Come on, Flovar!


You're talking about those little solar-powered things that scooted about on the surface, sifting through rocks and whatnot?


Yes, yes!


I believe they were called...


Yes, yes?!


10 seconds, Pektar.


Opportunity and...


Yes?!


5 seconds.


Spirit!


Opportunity and Spirit: FINAL ANSWER!


Final answer, huh?




Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell you that...




You are CORRECT, Pektar! Congratulations! You (and by extension, Martians in general) ARE now officially an intelligent LIFE FORM!


Did you hear that, honey?! We've proven that there is intelligent life on Mars!


That's one small test for Martians, one giant quiz for Martiankind!

Now to put that call through to Houston. Hello, Houston: We have a bombshell.

Houston: Say again?


There IS intelligent life on Mars!

Here, Sally, translate for the benefit of our Martian viewers:


CLIP-CLIP-TOLEDO-BING!


And that goes double for me!


Aha! So there's comedy on Mars, too, is there, Pektar? Oh, you!