Who Do You Think You Were, Anyway?
Stand-up routine on reincarnation, by a comic who was even funnier in his last life
Thank you for the applause, you're too kind.
Right, reincarnation: Who believes in it? Let's see a show of hands.
Mercy on me, look at all the gullible dopes out there tonight.
No, seriously, I used to believe in reincarnation myself, until I started asking myself a few questions:
For instance, why does everyone who believes in reincarnation claim that they were some emperor or movie star in a former life? How come you never hear someone say that they were an unemployed actor in a former life? I can hear it now:
Still, one does get that definite feeling of deja vu from time to time.
Take me, for instance: I was walking into McDonald's yesterday with my buddy Bill, when I suddenly stopped:
See, gang: That's the sort of conversation that you seldom hear from a votary of the reincarnation sect -- yet if reincarnation is true, you'd think that such unflattering flashbacks would have to outnumber the flattering ones at least 10 to 1!
And if you think that incident begs some serious questions about the plausibility (not to mention the desirability) of reincarnation, check out the rest of the above conversation:
See what I'm saying, gang -- or at least what I'm implying? If folks really did start to clearly recall the details of unflattering and problematic past lives in this way, flashback-driven contretemps of this kind would be happening all the time.
Methinks I hear the following representative conversation coming even now from yon office building across the street (that one over there: yon! yon!):
No, seriously, reincarnation is great: Have you seen the new bumper sticker on the back of those old beat-up Camaro's and the like:
Or, more impressive yet:
Yes, sir, reincarnation: You gotta love it.
That's right: Whoo-hoo! You know it, sir.
Of course, what I'm wondering is, has anybody ever had a flashback and suddenly realized beyond a shadow of a filial doubt that they used to be their very own grandfather!
People are like, "Son, you are just like your grandfather!"
And the son's like, "More than you know, pops: More than you freakin' know."
Relax, sillies, I'm not here to shatter anyone's quaint beliefs in reincarnation. (Aww! You guys are just PRECIOUS with that stuff!) Still, you've got to admit, that philosophy does raise a lot of questions.
Look at the dude back there by the coat rack, scowling over his bowl of nachos: He's like: "I don't care WHAT he says, I was Napoleon in my past life."
Dude, I believe you. The only problem is, I myself was Wellington in MY previous life. Aha! So we meet again! It's you and me, fella, hand-to-hand combat, in the back alley after the show!
What's that, Sir, you weren't Napoleon, you were Little Richard?
I don't think that's even allowed: First of all, I don't believe that he's dead yet -- and even if he were, you can't be a reincarnation of someone whose original lifetime was at any time coterminous with your own. (I believe you'll find that as bylaw 1-1-8 of the Reincarnation Rule Book.)
No, seriously:
But like I says, feel free to hold on to your charming homespun beliefs in reincarnation (I say again, aww! and even double aww!).
Still, consider this while you're finding your coats and settling your bills (insofar as this lounge will be closing immediately after my performance tonight. Yes, I know: It's sad, isn't it? But thanks for coming. I'm here through Thursday, by the way, so don't be a stranger.)
Suppose that I'm, say, 25 years old, and I somehow find out that a man who killed me in my past life has just been born into this one.
Now what do I do? It's not like I can exact vengeance on a newborn, after all!
Still, I'd naturally want to teach the erstwhile murderer a lesson at SOME point. Hmm... I guess I'd have to be content with sending the family a note, advising them that their newborn was now officially challenged to a duel on his 18th birthday.
Even that solution is problematic however, since my young nemesis would then have 18 long years to prepare for the grudge match that I've scheduled (21 years even, if he happens to reside in a state with conservative laws about such arrangements), so that when the day finally came, I'd find myself in my dotage squaring off against a regular Zorro in his prime of fencing life.
He'd be like, "En garde!"
And I'd be like: "Um, WHY am I fighting you, again?"
Whoo-hoo!
Right, reincarnation: Who believes in it? Let's see a show of hands.
Mercy on me, look at all the gullible dopes out there tonight.
No, seriously, I used to believe in reincarnation myself, until I started asking myself a few questions:
For instance, why does everyone who believes in reincarnation claim that they were some emperor or movie star in a former life? How come you never hear someone say that they were an unemployed actor in a former life? I can hear it now:
"Hey, guys, I used to sit here on this very street corner and swig cheap vodka in my previous life!"
Still, one does get that definite feeling of deja vu from time to time.
Take me, for instance: I was walking into McDonald's yesterday with my buddy Bill, when I suddenly stopped:
Bill: Why did you suddenly stop?
Brian: I've been here before!
Bill: Of course you've been here before: it's the local McDonald's!
Brian: No, I mean in another life.
Bill: What?
Brian: It's all coming back to me: I used to mop the floors here in a previous life!
See, gang: That's the sort of conversation that you seldom hear from a votary of the reincarnation sect -- yet if reincarnation is true, you'd think that such unflattering flashbacks would have to outnumber the flattering ones at least 10 to 1!
And if you think that incident begs some serious questions about the plausibility (not to mention the desirability) of reincarnation, check out the rest of the above conversation:
Brian: Hey, hold on a minute.
Bill: Now what?
Brian: You see that guy behind the counter with the tie -- the apparent manager or whatever?
Bill: Yes.
Brian: I somehow just KNOW that he was my boss in that former life I mentioned.
Bill: What?
Brian: In fact, he used to really crack the whip as I recall -- and -- and he never paid me the required overtime either, now that I think about it. Yes, I see it all!
Bill: Hey, where are you going?
Brian: Out of the way, please, people: Me and this manager fellow at the counter here have some old business to discuss. Remember me, Captain Bligh? Eh? Eh?
See what I'm saying, gang -- or at least what I'm implying? If folks really did start to clearly recall the details of unflattering and problematic past lives in this way, flashback-driven contretemps of this kind would be happening all the time.
Methinks I hear the following representative conversation coming even now from yon office building across the street (that one over there: yon! yon!):
"Wait a minute, I remember YOU! You were the guy who FIRED ME from this firm in a past life! And now it seems that I am YOUR boss in this one! Mouhahahaha! Don't worry, that doesn't mean that I will necessarily fire you in return... or DOES IT? Mouhahahahaha!"
No, seriously, reincarnation is great: Have you seen the new bumper sticker on the back of those old beat-up Camaro's and the like:
"I drove a Model-T Ford in my former life."
Or, more impressive yet:
"I drove a chariot in my former life."
Yes, sir, reincarnation: You gotta love it.
Whoo-hoo!
That's right: Whoo-hoo! You know it, sir.
Of course, what I'm wondering is, has anybody ever had a flashback and suddenly realized beyond a shadow of a filial doubt that they used to be their very own grandfather!
People are like, "Son, you are just like your grandfather!"
And the son's like, "More than you know, pops: More than you freakin' know."
Relax, sillies, I'm not here to shatter anyone's quaint beliefs in reincarnation. (Aww! You guys are just PRECIOUS with that stuff!) Still, you've got to admit, that philosophy does raise a lot of questions.
Look at the dude back there by the coat rack, scowling over his bowl of nachos: He's like: "I don't care WHAT he says, I was Napoleon in my past life."
Dude, I believe you. The only problem is, I myself was Wellington in MY previous life. Aha! So we meet again! It's you and me, fella, hand-to-hand combat, in the back alley after the show!
What's that, Sir, you weren't Napoleon, you were Little Richard?
I don't think that's even allowed: First of all, I don't believe that he's dead yet -- and even if he were, you can't be a reincarnation of someone whose original lifetime was at any time coterminous with your own. (I believe you'll find that as bylaw 1-1-8 of the Reincarnation Rule Book.)
No, seriously:
But like I says, feel free to hold on to your charming homespun beliefs in reincarnation (I say again, aww! and even double aww!).
Still, consider this while you're finding your coats and settling your bills (insofar as this lounge will be closing immediately after my performance tonight. Yes, I know: It's sad, isn't it? But thanks for coming. I'm here through Thursday, by the way, so don't be a stranger.)
Suppose that I'm, say, 25 years old, and I somehow find out that a man who killed me in my past life has just been born into this one.
Now what do I do? It's not like I can exact vengeance on a newborn, after all!
Still, I'd naturally want to teach the erstwhile murderer a lesson at SOME point. Hmm... I guess I'd have to be content with sending the family a note, advising them that their newborn was now officially challenged to a duel on his 18th birthday.
Even that solution is problematic however, since my young nemesis would then have 18 long years to prepare for the grudge match that I've scheduled (21 years even, if he happens to reside in a state with conservative laws about such arrangements), so that when the day finally came, I'd find myself in my dotage squaring off against a regular Zorro in his prime of fencing life.
He'd be like, "En garde!"
And I'd be like: "Um, WHY am I fighting you, again?"
c.2010 Brian Quass, Alexandria, VA USA