Pre-game Show

Harass: Welcome to the Orlando Arena here in Las Vegas, Nevada, for the fifth annual World Wide Word Wrestling Championships, featuring some of the most vitriolic poison pens in the writing world today. I'm Todd Harass along with Frank Meerkat. We've got an exciting match-up for you tonight: The Windy City's Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith is going up against Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson from Albuquerque, New Mexico. It's an acrimonious but highly literary three rounds of intense, mean-spirited competition, as we answer the crucial question: who is the most venomous ink slinger in the world today?



Frank, what do you make of today's competition: Do you think Randy Smith is going to maintain his perfect writing record by creatively taking Wilson "down a peg," or will the newcomer, Wilson, embarrass the champ with some witty and urbane put-downs?



Meerkat: Well, Frank, it's going to take some real wordcraft to knock this "Mars of Malcontents" off of his caustic throne tonight, but then again, if anybody can do it, it's the new "bad boy" of World Wide Word Wrestling, Jerry Wilson. He has an incredible vocabulary full of acrimoniously alliterative adjectives and he's not afraid to write them down on a moment's notice. On the other hand, Randy Smith is well-known for his on-the-fly composition of concise comebacks that often leave his opponents visibly staggering in the ring. It's like the unmovable object going up against the irresistible force here this evening -- and only one thing is certain: by the time the final bell rings, one of our wordsmiths will have been verbally transformed into lunch meat.



Harass: And the other, of course, will be the fifth annual World Wide Word Wrestling Champion in this battle of the literary killjoys.



We're about to get underway here in Las Vegas, Nevada, but first let's quickly recap the rules for those of our viewers who are newcomers to this sport:



There are three rounds in which the contestants will exchange written, sentence-length barbs designed to tick each other off, or to "get each other's goat," so to speak. The referee will get the ball rolling at the beginning of each round by reading the first wordsmith what's called a "provocation." This provocation is basically a statement by the referee that's specifically designed to make the writer angry (or angrier, as the case may be) with his competitor, with the ultimate goal of inspiring the writer to write a sentence that really puts his opponent in his place. The goal is not simply to write an aggravating sentence about (or to) one's nemesis, but to do so in a pithy and literary fashion. Ranting alone will win few if any points with our sophisticated judges.





There are two ways to win: First, you can overwhelm your opponent so entirely with your pejorative sentences that he or she eventually leaves the ring in a flood of tears. (The technical terminology for this achievement is to "score a Niobe," a reference to the tragic figure in Greek myth who cried so much over her murdered family that she eventually created a stream called the Achelous.) Should the fight last for the full three rounds, a winner will be announced by judges' decision based on the scores they give to each sentence in each round. We have five judges here tonight, each of them the head of the English department at a different Ivy League University. Again, they'll be scoring the match tonight based on their evaluation of the literary merit and psychological impact of each round's spontaneously written set of dueling diatribes.



And with that, let's go down to the ring for the introductions by house emcee Ricky Hamilton!

Introductions

Hamilton: Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the fifth annual World Wide Word Wrestling Competition in sunny Las Vegas, Nevada! Now let's meet tonight's poison pens:



In the far left corner, out of Chicago, Illinois, writing in the blue text and sitting at the Mahogany office desk, it's the reigning World Wide Word Wrestling champion of the world, weighing in at 250,203 published words to date, including two blistering op-ed pieces in the Sunday edition of the New York Times.... Randy "The Curmudgeon" SMITH!!!!!!!



Over to my right, writing in the green text, currently ensconced behind an escritoire of solid red oak from Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, it's the challenger from Albuquerque, New Mexico, boasting a record of 22-1 when it comes to resolving his consumer complaints by writing angry but well-documented gripe letters to management, demanding immediate redress -- checking in with 150,219 published words, 17 of them from a caustic anti-cloning haiku published in the Reader's Digest in June 2003: It's Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Harass: Well, here we go, Frank. The referee, Steven Pizzicatto, is giving the writers the final prep talk in center ring. Let's listen in.



Pizzicatto: When I say "write," write. When I say "stop," you stop writing. Remember, all compound adjectives should be either hyphenated or "solid," except in those rare cases where following that rule could negatively impact on sentence readability. All words employed must be findable in the Fifth Edition of the full Oxford English Dictionary, with the exception of cutting-edge slang and other novelty words, which may be introduced only if they are set off by quotation marks and only if their meaning is sufficiently clear to the reader or listener thanks to the context in which they are employed. Although no words are technically forbidden, I must remind you that gratuitous invocations of curse words are frowned on by all our judges and can cost you significant points. Any questions? Now, tap pens together and go back to your desks.



Harass: With the preliminaries over, we get down to business now here at the fifth annual World Wide Word Wrestling Competition in Las Vegas, Nevada, where the reigning mud slinger, Chicago's Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith, is about to go up against the caustic Cinderella Kid, Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Remember, each writer writes their own sentence in turn and then the judges score the relative literary merit and apparent psychological impact of each of them.



Let's go down to ringside, where Referee Pizzicatto is about to begin Round One with the first "provocation."

Round One

Pizzicatto: All right, Randy, are you ready to creatively skewer your opponent?



Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith: Ready!



Pizzicatto: Here's your first provocation: Listen closely, because I can't repeat it: Your opponent Jerry was quoted recently as saying that you are, and I quote, "beneath my contempt," and that your criticism of his writing skills is motivated by your own occupational insecurity and personal jealousy.



Please respond to his remarks in one full written sentence beginning... NOW!



Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith: "If I mean so little to Jerry, it's interesting that the verbose coward still feels compelled to talk about me behind my back, thereby proving to the world that the bravado that he affects on paper is a sham."

Applause, hooting

Harass: Frank, what do you think?



Meerkat: Very concise, indeed. Not a lot of adjectives and perhaps no alliteration whatsoever, and yet Randy's sentence definitely flowed and had the ring of truth to it. In short, well done: I think he really put Jerry in his place, so to speak -- at least for the time being.



Harass: That's right, but now it's Jerry's turn here in round one. Let's go back down to the ring and Referee
Steven Pizzicatto.





Pizzicatto: All right, Jerry, are you ready to respond to Randy's barb?



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: Damn right!



Pizzicatto: You may begin your sentence-length rebuttal.... NOW!



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: "That's rich, coming from an armchair critic of immoral television programming who's been seen and photographed at least twice coming shamefacedly out of the so-called Sin-O-Plex Theater on Byrd Street."

Cheers, applause, whooping

Harass: Ouch!



Meerkat: I tell you, Todd, that has got to hurt. Oh!



Harass: I don't think Randy was expecting that. But how do you think that remark will be scored by the judges?



Meerkat: Again, big points for psychological impact. We've also got at least a little consonance going on there with the words "shamefacedly," "so-called," and Sin-O-Plex." Again, the sentence flowed: there were no misplaced modifiers. All in all, you've got to give this round to Jerry. He really "came back and then some" in responding to the round one efforts of his opponent.



Harass: Indeed, the crowd is still on its feet, cheering for this admirably vitriolic challenger from Albuquerque. But now let's go back down to the ring, where Referee Steven Pizzicatto is about to introduce Round Two. This time Jerry will go first.

Round Two

Pizzicatto: All right, Jerry, are you ready to write?



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: I'm ready!



Pizzicatto: Here's your provocation: In an op-ed piece in July of 2006, Randy stated that your new autobiography was, and I quote, "Self-aggrandizing wishful thinking of a mediocre writer." Please respond to that crack in one full sentence -- beginning.... NOW!



Jerry: "Randy here is the proverbial pot calling the kettle black, since the very words that he employs in attacking me (particularly that clumsy phrase "self-aggrandizing wishful thinking," which I think we can all agree reads so awkwardly) are obviously the product of a second-rate beginner who thinks that the only necessary qualification for being a critic is to be mean, in which case my 5-year-old Rottweiler named 'Fritzy Boy' would have had my opponent's job a LONG time ago, believe you me!"

Applause, whistles

Harass: A winning sentence, Frank?



Meerkat: I don't know, Todd: He may have gilded the lily there with that final prepositional phrase about his 5-year-old Rottweiler.



Harass: It did make the sentence run a bit long.




Meerkat: It's not so much the length that the judges mind, it's the addition of arguably irrelevant material that smacks of redundancy.



Harass: So Jerry perhaps has surrendered his advantage here with a touch of largely unwarranted verbosity.



Meerkat: Exactly. Still, I don't want to exaggerate: Jerry's sentence as a whole was very cutting, indeed, and to do him credit, it would be likely to hurt just about anybody's feelings. I'm sure the judges will be particularly impressed with the way that "The Libelator" pointed out the clumsiness of the phrase "self-aggrandizing wishful thinking." I mean, Jerry definitely has a point there: That phrase does NOT roll off the tip of any tongue that I know about!



Harass: Back down now for Randy's turn in round number two.





Pizzicatto: Randy, your rejoinder, please, sir: beginning....NOW!!!!!!



Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith: Jerry is one of those backstabbing kitty cats that "makes nice with you" as you hold it on your lap but then scratches your hand for no apparent reason, never mind the fact that you had been "scritching" it under the chin and saying "Good little kitty, good little kitty cat!"

Light applause

Meerkat: Oh, dear. Big marks for simplicity, Todd, but sometimes you can be TOO simple in this sport. Randy is probably hoping that there are some dogmatic minimalists on our judging panel here today. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with the sentence: indeed, it flowed. It was just so compact that you've got to wonder if he's not overdoing it, so to speak, in the wrong direction, or maybe underdoing it in the right one. At least he remembered to put the term "scritching" in quotation marks, so he's not going to lose any points from stupid mistakes on his part.



Harass: Moving on to round three action. Frank, are you surprised that no one's left the ring in tears yet?



Meerkat: Not at all. This is a very evenly matched duo and everyone expects it to go down to a close vote at the end -- although both of these contestants have scored their own fair share of Niobes over their career when taking on OTHER opponents. In fact, there was a match in Los Angeles just last week in which "The Libelator's" round two sentence taunted the normally unshakable Carlos "The Bully" Ramon so effectively that the Mexican challenger did indeed leave the ring in tears. Thankfully, I'm a professional, or it would have broken some serious heart, Todd. I even started to walk outside to console him -- before I remembered where I was, of course!




Harass: That's you, Frank: All compassion. But let's go down to ringside one more time as Referee Pizzicatto gets things going for the third and final round, here at the World Wide Word Wrestling Championships in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Round Three

Pizzicatto: Round three. Randy, are you ready to write your third and final vitriolic sentence directed against your opponent?



Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith: I'm ready!



Pizzicatto: Here's your provocation: As you heard in the last round, your opponent has accused you of at least twice surreptitiously attending a notoriously seedy downtown theater known as the Sin-O-Plex, thereby inferring that you are (to put it mildly, my good sir) a "hypocritical freakazoid," if you will, on the subject of morality. Please respond to these potentially mortifying allegations by writing a vindictive sentence directed at your opponent right..... NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith: "Only imagine: being lectured on morality by someone who left his wife in San Diego three years ago and came east on a mere whim, leaving that fine lady to scramble about madly for enough money to pay the bills until such time as she could finally seek financial redress in court, by which time, however, she had lost her home and her one remaining car!"

Applause, whooping

Meerkat: Spot-on, Todd. That sentenced flowed and was right to the point.



Harass: Well, he is the world champ when it comes to literary mudslinging -- though that will change if he fails to win this championship.



Meerkat: Again, a little lax on the assonance and consonance, but that's more than offset by the sheer sincerity of his screed. Mercy on me! As a former word wrestler myself, I am humbled by that last sentence!



Harass: And now let's go back to ringside for Jerry's round 3 rejoinder:





Jerry: Your motha!

Applause, hoots

Harass: Ouch! That definitely hurt.



Meerkat: A risky strategy, just a two-word rebuff, but I think he pulled it off! I liked the sound of that: Jerry was like, "Your motha!" Now that may not have reduced the resilient Randy to tears, but it certainly did seem to "put him in his place." Mercy on me!

Post-game Show

Harass: Well, this is a close one, Frank: How do you score it?



Meerkat: I've got to give round one to Jerry: His bombshell about Randy's alleged visits to the Sin-O-Plex had to have had its effect on the judges.



Harass: That jab was well-delivered, indeed. What about round two?



Meerkat: Round two is a toss-up: Jerry probably overdid it by adding that largely unnecessary prepositional phrase about his Rottweiler; but by the same token, Randy probably UNDERdid it by responding to Jerry in such a conspicuously terse fashion. Besides, the more I think about it, that bit about the scratching kitty-cat was rubbish. It's a missed opportunity for Randy: He had the opportunity to liken his opponent to any animal in the world, and instead of picking some diseased vermin like dung beetles and roaches, he picks a kitty cat. Of course, he probably thought that the dung beetle would be considered an excessive comparison by the sometimes squeamish judges -- but even if that's so, I can only observe that his alternate choice of a cat represented a wild over-correction on his part.



Harass: And who won round three?



Meerkat: Definitely Jerry with what's sure to become a classic zinger at these competitions: "Your motha!"



Harass: Well, here are the actual scores coming up on your screen. The judges give 9-8, 8-8, and 9-8, in favor of... Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson! Let's go down to Frank in the ring with our winner.



Meerkat: Congratulations, Jerry! Let's quickly go over the match. In round one, your comeback sentence alleged that Randy had attended the Sin-O-Plex theater. A risky strategy, but it worked based on the final scoring.




Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: Well, I knew it was a risk, because a pro like Randy could always write a slick and compelling sentence that would convince the judges that I had made up my story about the theater.



Meerkat: And did you?




Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: That's a trade secret, my friend. Besides, your viewers may not know this, but you can't be penalized for lying, per se, in this sport. In fact, I've seen many word wrestlers lose points for telling the TRUTH, merely because the poison pen on the other side of the ring managed to authoritatively convince the judges in a well-written sentence that the charges of their opponent were false and/or scurrilous and/or irresponsible.



Meerkat: Round two, any thoughts?




Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: To be honest, Randy gave me that round. I thought I was in trouble because of that possibly surplus prepositional phrase I wrote about my 5-year-old Rottweiler.




Meerkat: It did seem a bit iffy, stylistically speaking.



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: But then Randy bailed me out by writing that surprisingly lame sentence about kitty cats.



Meerkat: What happened to him there?



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: I don't know, but you could just see it in his face as he finished reading his sentence out loud to the judges: He himself was like: "Now what in the blazes did I write THAT for??!"



Meerkat: Finally, round three, when you wrote merely: "Your motha!" An act of pure inspiration.



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: Thank you, Frank. Again, though, Randy gave that one to me, too.



Meerkat: How so?



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: Well, he made the mistake of bringing up my ex-wife and then taking me to task for supposedly leaving her without money.



Meerkat: And did you?



Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson: Mind your own beeswax, Frank."



Meerkat: Oops, sorry.



Just kiddin'. Frank's my man here. No, I'm just sayin' that the dude pissed me off so righteously that I HAD to bust him one, right upside that all-too-literary head o' his!



Meerkat: Again, congratulations, Jerry. Best luck as you move on to the Big Apple next week to take on Sammy "the Screed" Macklebury. Todd, back to you?




Harass: Thank you, Frank. From all of us here at the Orleans Arena in sunny Las Vegas, Nevada, thanks for watching. Again we have a winner in the fifth annual World Wide Word Wrestling Championships: It's Jerry "the Libelator" Wilson, taking the win and the title from Randy "the Curmudgeon" Smith.




On behalf of Frank Meerkat and the rest of the crew, this is Todd Harass saying, "Are you talkin' to ME?'



G'night, folks!