Wake up, sweetheart, this is an htaccess file you're working with here! One typo and you're going to shut down the entire server!
The Q Word
12 online newbies compete for the distinguished title of Webmaster under the hypercritical tutelage of veteran site-publisher Brian Quass
Parody of 'The F Word' with Chef Gordon Ramsay on BBC America
W
The Q Word's Here
And it's all the Rage
Helping newbies make
Their first Web page
But the page in question
Better have some flair
Or I'll castigate them on the air
The Q Word's Here
With its childish song
Just two verses
But it's still too long
With its ticktock rhythm
and its stupid words
It's the dumbest thing
You've ever heard...
Here are the original contestants on the season opener. Sarah is on the far left, Josephine is on the far right, and Ricky calls himself a Libertarian
Q: Right, we're down to three contestants, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: Ricky, Sarah, Josephine: tonight you are going to create a website about dogs, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: Now, I'm expecting great things from you lot tonight since you've survived almost 10 shows now with me screaming at you like a banshee, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster, sir!
Q: But there are a few little challenges I'm going to throw in here for you tonight, yes?
The perfect gift for that special freelancer or nerd (or freelancing nerd) in your life
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: First, I want you to create a navigation menu using PHP, yes?
Ricky: Oh, no problem.
Q: For your information, I hadn't finished that statement, Ricky (bloody hell): I want you to create a navigation menu using PHP AND... AND, Ricky!...
Ricky: Yes, Webmaster.
Q: AND I want you to load the navigation menu in an IFRAME rather than as part of the page itself.
Q: So, do you still think it's 'no problem,' Mr. Eager Beaver?
Ricky: No, chef. I mean no, Webmaster.
Q: No what? No, it's not a problem, or no, it's not NOT a problem?
Ricky: Uh... no, it's not NOT a problem.
Q: Right, that's more like it, yes? (Bloody hell.) Now, who can tell me why we would want to put the navigation elements inside an iframe --
Sarah: Oh, I know.
Q: Once again, I have not yet finished my question, Sarah. (Christ almighty.)
Sarah: Sorry, Webmaster.
Q: I want a reason for using the iframe in this case OTHER THAN the obvious one about obviating the need to create individual navigation elements on every single page of your website.
Sarah: Oh. Oh, then, uh, I guess I don't know the answer, Webmaster, Sir.
Q: You guess you don't know the answer? What have I been teaching you guys for the last 10 shows? (Bloody hell!) Josephine, help Sarah out here!
Josephine: Um...
Q: Guys, you're never going to be an important, self-satisfied Webmaster such as myself if you don't LEARN this stuff, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster, sir!
Q: Oh, very well, I'll just flat-out tell you the answer to my own question: You want the navigation to be inside the iframe because otherwise search engine robots such as Googlebot will consider your navigation-related text to be part of the page text as a whole, thereby diluting the thematic specificity of your page from a textual point of view, which in turn makes your site rank lower in the listings that are generated when Web surfers perform searches on topics related to the page in question.
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: Now, get busy on your laptops while I turn to face the camera, yes? Jeepers, I hope you guys at least remember enough basic HTML to lay out your meta tags! (Dear, oh dear!)
Contestants: Yes, sir, Webmaster, sir!
Webmaster Q, facing cameras: When we come back, I'm going to be going over the source code for my contestant's site navigation bars with a sarcastic fine-tooth comb. Then I'm going to test their PHP skills by having them each write a code for retrieving photographs for their site from a MySql database. Stay tuned.
La la la la la la la
Q: Welcome back to the Q Word. Time to check the source code for our webmaster wannabe's navigation bars on their new website about dogs.
Sarah, I -- well, move over a little, please, dear. I need to see what you've done here on your laptop. (Bloody hell.)
Sarah: I'm done with the navigation, except for some reason, there are scrollbars beside the navigation elements.
Q: What?! Oh, bloody hell. No wonder you've got scrollbars: You haven't specified any width in your iframe tag! Oh, dear, dear. Come on, Sarah: Wake up!
Sarah: But I didn't think you had to specify width in an i-frame!
Q: What? Of course you have to -- I can't believe what I'm hearing! Christ almighty.
Sarah: Well, I'm sorry, but --
Q: How many times do I have to tell you guys that you can't rely on default values in html?! Now fix it, please, Sarah! Your site bounce rate is going to be 90% with that ungodly scrollbar blocking out half of your navigation icons! (Christ almighty.)
Now then, Josephine, pass me your laptop, would you? I'm hoping that at least YOU got this right?
Josephine: Sorry, chef -- I mean, Webmaster -- but I forgot the host name that we were using for the FTP connection.
Q: What? You mean you haven't even DOWNLOADED the templates yet?
Josephine: Well, I --
Q: Bloody hell. Sarah, give her the connection information -- AGAIN! -- while I check on Ricky here.
Sarah: Yes, Webmaster.
Q: That's it, scoot over, Ricky, because I do -- repeat: DO -- bite, okay?
Ricky: Yes, Webmaster.
Webmaster Q, softly to self: Bloody hell.
Wow! I don't believe it: that is actually good. I like the way that you've used the thumbnail icons above the text to facilitate intuitive navigation. And I see you've used the frameborder declaration of "no" to avoid those unsightly gashes that are the inexplicable default outline in IE Explorer browsers versions 5 and up.
Ricky: Thank you, Webmaster.
Q: Ladies, Ricky here is living proof that this assignment can be done right by mere mortals. Now you guys will have to catch up as best you can, because I'm moving on now for Ricky's sake, since he's bothered to follow my instructions to a "T" -- unlike some of us here, who seem to have followed my instructions to an "F" -- or even to an "F-" when it comes to that.
Josephine and Sarah: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: (Christ almighty!) Now, we are going to import some cute public domain dog pictures into our page --
Contestants: Awwww!
Q: But there's a catch as usual: you'll need to access a MySql database to retrieve those dog pictures, yes?
Q: Now, the connection information for logging in is here on these index cards I'm passing out, including host name, user name, database name, password, and table name. Be careful when typing this stuff into your FTP client because the host name is in the form of an IP address with 12 digits and the least transposition will make the connection fail, yes?
Right, you lot get started on that while I try to convince the home viewers to put up with another tiresome barrage of commercials. Now then, where did those cameras get to? Ah, yes, over here...
Coming up next, I see if our webmaster wannabes were able to log on to their MySql databases and retrieve the specified dog pictures. Then I'll watch as they try to add captions to those pictures using an external CSS style sheet instead of obsolete tables. Stay with us.
La la la la la la la
Q: Welcome back to The Q Word. Time to see if our wannabe webmasters have managed to download some dog pictures to their new canine Web site.
Right, Josephine, what have you got for me?
Josephine, frustratedly: Oh, I don't know ' I keep getting these stupid permissions errors!
Q: What? Blimey. What on earth are you doing here, Josephine?! And you want to be a Webmaster?! Here, pass the laptop to me so that I can ' Oh, bloody hell.
Josephine, whimpering: I'm sorry, Webmaster, but I really tried!
Q: You're having a laugh, right? You're trying to execute a mysql SELECT operation without even opening your database! You should have an include statement here that connects you to the database! I mean, come on, Josephine!
Josephine, weeping: I'm sorry, I just forgot.
Q: There's no need to cry ' Christ almighty. Just next time, remember, yes? you can't be given system permission to access a database to which you are not even connected! (Dear, oh dear! Well, #$!# me!)
And just what are you smirking at, Mr. Eager Beaver? I don't see any public domain dog photographs on YOUR Web page yet!
Ricky: At least, I logged in successfully.
Q: So? Big deal: Where's the photographic beef?
Ricky: I was just working out the php syntax now.
Q: What do you mean, 'working out the php syntax'? All you need to do is ' Oh, bloody hell: What have you done here? One side, please, while I take over your keyboard to make a few much-needed corrections! (Christ almighty' look at these hieroglyphics here, bloody hell.)
Ricky: What? I may be a little slow, but I was getting it right!
Q: What? You must be taking the piss. Just look at this crazyquilt of keystrokes you've got here. And where are your field names?
Ricky: They're right there, in the mysql statement.
Q: Ricky! The mysql statement merely accesses the data. You now need to extract the individual fields by looping through a "while" routine -- but you should already know this, Ricky, come on!
Ricky, defiantly, but in perhaps a slightly softer voice than he had originally intended to use for this remark: I don't have to listen to this!
Q: What? You don't have to listen to WHAT? It's nothing personal, big boy: What do you want me to tell you, that you're doing a good job? 'Cause you're not. In fact, you're screwing up royally! (Bloody hell!)
Right, Sarah, you're next: Please show me some dogs, darling, yes? (Christ almighty: What a team I've got today!)
Sarah: You see, here I've created a form and you just click on the name of the breed that you want to see, and the php randomly selects a photograph of that breed from the mysql database and then displays it in this little box here.
Q: Yes! Yes! A thousand times Yes! Ricky, Josephine: Come over here. Just look at that laptop screen: That's the sort of fun user-friendly feature that I want to see you develop using the database dog photographs, yes? Sarah here has created a program to let the user look at pictures of various dog breeds.
Now why can't you two do something like that --
Josephine: Oh!
Q: What did you do now, Josephine? (Blimey, it's like I've got Calamity Jane on the show this week!)
Josephine: Oh, I've successfully imported some photographs but I can't make them appear in the iframe because the string variables identifying them can't be passed to iframe pages.
Q: They can't? Why not?
Josephine: Well, they can't, can they?
Q: Oh, bloody hell. #!#@ me. Have you never heard of GET variables, Josephine?!
Josephine: Yeah -- sort of.
Q: Sort of? (Christ almighty!) This is all PHP 101, darling, now, please, get a grip. You have just 10 minutes to finish your dog-related Web page, and you're still miles behind Sarah here who's apparently done now except for a little tweaking -- and I'll be giving her that little tweaking in just a minute, too, so --
Sarah: What?
Q: Bloody hell, Sarah wasn't supposed to hear that!
Josephine: But --
Q: Look, it's very simple, sweetheart: Use the setcookie command on the main page to assign the needed variables to a cookie, and then retrieve those variables on your iframe page using a GET statement.
I can't believe I really need to tell you this stuff! Come on, now!
Right, Ricky, where are you now, big boy? Have you extracted your variables?
Ricky: Uh, just about.
Q: Just about?! Not good enough: you only have five minutes now -- and I don't want a Web page that is just thrown together, either, I want a thought-out interface to make the page user-friendly and fun. (#@#! me!)
Right, okay, get a move on, people, yes? I'm going to be judging your dog-related Web sites after the upcoming commercials -- speaking of which, it's time for me to turn toward the camera again in a bid to interest viewers in the final portion of our show. Lights, camera, nonsense!
Coming up next, I decide which webmaster wannabe has created the most attractive, usable, and useful web site of them all, after which I do my sarcastic best to make the two losers of that competition feel like dirt. Then finally, just before the credit roll, I tell the worst of my three wannabes to beat it on account of they're obviously not -- repeat: NOT -- webmaster material. So stay tuned.
La la la la la la la
Welcome back to The Q Word. In a moment, I'll pick my favorite contestant-created Web site out of the three created today and then I'll give today's worst player the boot, but first here's my PHP recipe for extracting the highest record from a numeric field in a MySql statement.
First, set result string equal to mysql_query...
$result=mysql_query
Then, invoke the parenthetical SELECT statement...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT
Add an asterisk to include all the records in your query...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT *
Declare the name of the table from which you wish to search...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourTable
Declare the field name by which you wish to order your result set...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourField ORDER BY YourField...
Append the abbreviation DESC to ensure that your result set begins with the highest numeric value in your specified field...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourField ORDER BY YourField DESC
End the SELECT statement by specifying a one-record max for your result set and then close your line of code with the customary semicolon...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourField ORDER BY YourField DESC LIMIT 1");
Now simply connect to database...
include 'databaseconnection.php';
run the resulting output through a WHILE loop...
while ($row=mysql_fetch_array($result)) {
and assign the values of the returned record's various fields to the string variables of your choice...
$MyID=$row
$MyDescription=$row
$MyDate=$row
Then Print:
echo "The ID field in the record returned is ".$MyID;
echo " while the Description field is ".$MyDescription;
echo " and the Date field is ".$MyDate;
PHP script for extracting the highest record from a numeric field: DONE!
Q: Right, time to rate the Web sites created today by my three contestants. Sarah, come over here, please.
Uh, Sarah, bring your laptop with you, please, darling! (Bloody hell! I don't just want to have an idle chat with you, darling! I want to see what you've done with your Web site!)
Now here, Josephine and Ricky, is a real Web page, albeit a simple one. She's created a very simple, intuitive interface to allow site visitors to sort and view her dog photographs by breed. Notice she has a short explanatory title for the page inside the H1 tags. And why is that important, Ricky?
Ricky: Uh, well, because it makes the type font larger and more noticeable.
Q: Wrong answer, big boy: I can add a CSS class to the H1 tag that will make it output the smallest text imaginable.
Josephine: Oh, I know.
Q: Why is the H1 tag important, Josephine?
Josephine: Because search engine spiders such as Googlebot rely heavily on H1 tags to determine what a Web page is about.
Q: Bingo. See, Ricky? If you'd only stop and THINK for a moment before recklessly sounding off with the first sketchy notion that pops into your clarity-challenged brain! Bloody hell!
Ricky: I don't have to listen to this!
Q: Where are you going?
Ricky: I'm leaving!
Q: Boy, I thought you were a lot of things during the course of this program, Ricky, but I had never pegged you as a quitter.
Ricky: Oh...
Q: Now, you've come this far, big boy: you may as well tough it out.
Ricky, wavering: Well...
Q: I'm not asking you to like me: I'm asking you to like yourself enough to LEARN from me.
Josephine, quizzically to self: What?
Q: Quiet, Josephine: No one's talking to you!
Ricky, pouting and looking down at his shoes as he scuffs first the left heel, then the right against the computer lab doormat: Oh... I guess I'll stay.
Q: Why not? Besides, I may be on the verge of giving you the boot anyway, Ricky, in which case you'll be out that door soon enough, won't you, old man?
Well, come on, big boy: chin up. You're never going to send me on a guilt trip with these transparently stereotypical histrionics of yours, so you may as well straighten up and fly right, yes? (Bloody hell!)
Now then, drum roll, please.
Congratulations, Sarah, you are the winner of our best Web site of the night.
Ricky and Josephine: What?
Ricky: You haven't even looked at our sites yet!
Q: Did too: At least I saw enough of them during the commercial break to realize that you hadn't followed my instructions at all!
Josephine: What do you mean? I linked successfully to all the dog photographs in my database!
Q: But the entire interface to your canine eye candy was made up of boring text links! I mean, come on, Josephine: Use the brain that Dr. Frankenstein gave you!
Josephine: WHAT?!
Q: I'm kidding, okay? (Bloody hell: There are so many chips on the wannabe shoulders around this place today that I'm tempted to ring up Pinocchio's dad and ask him to come over with his handy chisel!)
Ricky: But what about MY site: I finished mine, too!
Q: Um, Earth to Ricky: Those are not dog photographs on your Web site, big boy, those are wolves -- WOLVES, Ricky!
Ricky: What?
Q: You accessed the wrong bloody database table, you numpkin! (Bloody hell!)
Right. Time to announce my Wannabe of the week -- although 2 of this week's 3 challengers have let me down so spectacularly today that the outcome should be obvious even to the willfully dim perception of an Internet-scorning Luddite: Sarah, congratulations, darling, you are the Webmaster Wannabe of the week, and you come back next week to compete in the final round for the distinguished title of Webmaster, which I'll be conferring on our winner just two months from now in the main conference room of the world's largest museum devoted to Information Age artifacts, the historic Computer History Museum in Silicon Valley!
Finally, Josephine and Ricky, I'm afraid I've got to give one of you the boot.
Josephine, you bored me to tears with those text links of yours --
Josephine, sadly, looking down:Yes, chef -- I mean, Webmaster.
Q: I feel like suing you for the several seconds of precious life that I wasted trying to find anything on the page that held the slightest bit of interest for me.
Josephine: Yes, Webmaster.
Q: Why do you think the word "MY" is in the name of so many Web sites and Web services these days?
Josephine: Well, um --
Q: Hello? It's because folks want to know "What's in it for me?" and the answer in the case of your seemingly image-free Web site is "Nothing, sucker. Nothing at all!" (SIGH! Bloody hell...)
Luckily for you, you were competing today against a hapless wannabe that doesn't know the difference between a wolf and a dog!
Ricky: Do, too!
Q: Not only that, Josephine, but you're competing against a contestant who likes to talk back to me and never seems to take my constructive criticism to heart.
Ricky: Do not!
Q: Do not what?
Ricky: I mean, do too.
Q: Right, Josephine, congratulations: You're coming back next week for our final episode of The Q Word, in which you and Sarah will go head tag to head tag, so to speak, in our final battle for the coveted title of Webmaster, to be duly conferred by yours truly this summer in California (with all the appropriate pomp and circumstances, of course, including full symphony orchestra and champagne bottles) at the Information Age landmark to which I have just alluded above.
Ricky: To which you have just alluded above? Above what?
Q: What, are YOU still here, Ricky? Beat it, civilian. This is a show for potential Webmasters only. (Christ almighty, Ricky's a slow learner even in defeat!)
Right, now I'll just turn back to the camera one more time to plug this year's final episode and then bob's your uncle's webmaster...
Thanks for watching The Q Word. Next week we find out who will be traveling with me to Mountainview this summer to be installed as a card-carrying member in good standing with the Pacific Chapter of the International Association of Webmasters, Northern California Branch. If you'd like to compete for the title of Webmaster in our NEXT season and you don't mind being ferociously yelled at for every false step that you take (and even for a few false steps that I only THINK you take), drop us an e-mail at THANK - YOU - SIR - MAY - I - HAVE - ANOTHER - DOT - COM?
c.2010 Brian Quass, Alexandria, VA USA
elcome to the Q Word, where each week, I try to teach a group of webmaster wannabes how to publish a Web page. Tonight they'll be publishing a small site about canines, and I'll be looking over their shoulder every step of the way, barking at them every time they make a mistake. Those who survive the test will move on to the next Q Word episode where they'll create yet another website on the topic of my choice. At the end of the season, when we've weeded out all of the online pretenders, the surviving contestant will be officially dubbed a webmaster by yours truly in front of the Computer History Museum in historic Silicon Valley, just up the road from Google headquarters and the Microsoft Research Center. Meanwhile, the other contestants (stop me if you've heard this one before...) will "leave with nothing."
The Q Word's HereAnd it's all the Rage
Helping newbies make
Their first Web page
But the page in question
Better have some flair
Or I'll castigate them on the air
The Q Word's Here
With its childish song
Just two verses
But it's still too long
With its ticktock rhythm
and its stupid words
It's the dumbest thing
You've ever heard...
Here are the original contestants on the season opener. Sarah is on the far left, Josephine is on the far right, and Ricky calls himself a LibertarianQ: Right, we're down to three contestants, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: Ricky, Sarah, Josephine: tonight you are going to create a website about dogs, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: Now, I'm expecting great things from you lot tonight since you've survived almost 10 shows now with me screaming at you like a banshee, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster, sir!
Q: But there are a few little challenges I'm going to throw in here for you tonight, yes?
The perfect gift for that special freelancer or nerd (or freelancing nerd) in your life
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: First, I want you to create a navigation menu using PHP, yes?
Ricky: Oh, no problem.
Q: For your information, I hadn't finished that statement, Ricky (bloody hell): I want you to create a navigation menu using PHP AND... AND, Ricky!...
Ricky: Yes, Webmaster.
Q: AND I want you to load the navigation menu in an IFRAME rather than as part of the page itself.
Contestants gasping
Q: So, do you still think it's 'no problem,' Mr. Eager Beaver?
Ricky: No, chef. I mean no, Webmaster.
Q: No what? No, it's not a problem, or no, it's not NOT a problem?
Ricky: Uh... no, it's not NOT a problem.
Q: Right, that's more like it, yes? (Bloody hell.) Now, who can tell me why we would want to put the navigation elements inside an iframe --
Sarah: Oh, I know.
Q: Once again, I have not yet finished my question, Sarah. (Christ almighty.)
Sarah: Sorry, Webmaster.
Q: I want a reason for using the iframe in this case OTHER THAN the obvious one about obviating the need to create individual navigation elements on every single page of your website.
Sarah: Oh. Oh, then, uh, I guess I don't know the answer, Webmaster, Sir.
Q: You guess you don't know the answer? What have I been teaching you guys for the last 10 shows? (Bloody hell!) Josephine, help Sarah out here!
Josephine: Um...
Q: Guys, you're never going to be an important, self-satisfied Webmaster such as myself if you don't LEARN this stuff, yes?
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster, sir!
Q: Oh, very well, I'll just flat-out tell you the answer to my own question: You want the navigation to be inside the iframe because otherwise search engine robots such as Googlebot will consider your navigation-related text to be part of the page text as a whole, thereby diluting the thematic specificity of your page from a textual point of view, which in turn makes your site rank lower in the listings that are generated when Web surfers perform searches on topics related to the page in question.
Contestants: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: Now, get busy on your laptops while I turn to face the camera, yes? Jeepers, I hope you guys at least remember enough basic HTML to lay out your meta tags! (Dear, oh dear!)
Contestants: Yes, sir, Webmaster, sir!
Webmaster Q, facing cameras: When we come back, I'm going to be going over the source code for my contestant's site navigation bars with a sarcastic fine-tooth comb. Then I'm going to test their PHP skills by having them each write a code for retrieving photographs for their site from a MySql database. Stay tuned.
La la la la la la la Q: Welcome back to the Q Word. Time to check the source code for our webmaster wannabe's navigation bars on their new website about dogs.
Sarah, I -- well, move over a little, please, dear. I need to see what you've done here on your laptop. (Bloody hell.)
Sarah: I'm done with the navigation, except for some reason, there are scrollbars beside the navigation elements.
Q: What?! Oh, bloody hell. No wonder you've got scrollbars: You haven't specified any width in your iframe tag! Oh, dear, dear. Come on, Sarah: Wake up!
Sarah: But I didn't think you had to specify width in an i-frame!
Q: What? Of course you have to -- I can't believe what I'm hearing! Christ almighty.
Sarah: Well, I'm sorry, but --
Q: How many times do I have to tell you guys that you can't rely on default values in html?! Now fix it, please, Sarah! Your site bounce rate is going to be 90% with that ungodly scrollbar blocking out half of your navigation icons! (Christ almighty.)
Now then, Josephine, pass me your laptop, would you? I'm hoping that at least YOU got this right?
Josephine: Sorry, chef -- I mean, Webmaster -- but I forgot the host name that we were using for the FTP connection.
Q: What? You mean you haven't even DOWNLOADED the templates yet?
Josephine: Well, I --
Q: Bloody hell. Sarah, give her the connection information -- AGAIN! -- while I check on Ricky here.
Sarah: Yes, Webmaster.
Q: That's it, scoot over, Ricky, because I do -- repeat: DO -- bite, okay?
Ricky: Yes, Webmaster.
Webmaster Q, softly to self: Bloody hell.
Pause as Webmaster scours navigation elements on Web page
Wow! I don't believe it: that is actually good. I like the way that you've used the thumbnail icons above the text to facilitate intuitive navigation. And I see you've used the frameborder declaration of "no" to avoid those unsightly gashes that are the inexplicable default outline in IE Explorer browsers versions 5 and up.
Ricky: Thank you, Webmaster.
Q: Ladies, Ricky here is living proof that this assignment can be done right by mere mortals. Now you guys will have to catch up as best you can, because I'm moving on now for Ricky's sake, since he's bothered to follow my instructions to a "T" -- unlike some of us here, who seem to have followed my instructions to an "F" -- or even to an "F-" when it comes to that.
Josephine and Sarah: Yes, Webmaster!
Q: (Christ almighty!) Now, we are going to import some cute public domain dog pictures into our page --
Contestants: Awwww!
Q: But there's a catch as usual: you'll need to access a MySql database to retrieve those dog pictures, yes?
Contestants exchange apprehensive glances
Q: Now, the connection information for logging in is here on these index cards I'm passing out, including host name, user name, database name, password, and table name. Be careful when typing this stuff into your FTP client because the host name is in the form of an IP address with 12 digits and the least transposition will make the connection fail, yes?
Right, you lot get started on that while I try to convince the home viewers to put up with another tiresome barrage of commercials. Now then, where did those cameras get to? Ah, yes, over here...
Coming up next, I see if our webmaster wannabes were able to log on to their MySql databases and retrieve the specified dog pictures. Then I'll watch as they try to add captions to those pictures using an external CSS style sheet instead of obsolete tables. Stay with us.
La la la la la la la Q: Welcome back to The Q Word. Time to see if our wannabe webmasters have managed to download some dog pictures to their new canine Web site.
Right, Josephine, what have you got for me?
Josephine, frustratedly: Oh, I don't know ' I keep getting these stupid permissions errors!
Q: What? Blimey. What on earth are you doing here, Josephine?! And you want to be a Webmaster?! Here, pass the laptop to me so that I can ' Oh, bloody hell.
Josephine, whimpering: I'm sorry, Webmaster, but I really tried!
Q: You're having a laugh, right? You're trying to execute a mysql SELECT operation without even opening your database! You should have an include statement here that connects you to the database! I mean, come on, Josephine!
Josephine, weeping: I'm sorry, I just forgot.
Q: There's no need to cry ' Christ almighty. Just next time, remember, yes? you can't be given system permission to access a database to which you are not even connected! (Dear, oh dear! Well, #$!# me!)
Josephine, sniffling
And just what are you smirking at, Mr. Eager Beaver? I don't see any public domain dog photographs on YOUR Web page yet!
Ricky: At least, I logged in successfully.
Q: So? Big deal: Where's the photographic beef?
Ricky: I was just working out the php syntax now.
Q: What do you mean, 'working out the php syntax'? All you need to do is ' Oh, bloody hell: What have you done here? One side, please, while I take over your keyboard to make a few much-needed corrections! (Christ almighty' look at these hieroglyphics here, bloody hell.)
Ricky: What? I may be a little slow, but I was getting it right!
Q: What? You must be taking the piss. Just look at this crazyquilt of keystrokes you've got here. And where are your field names?
Ricky: They're right there, in the mysql statement.
Q: Ricky! The mysql statement merely accesses the data. You now need to extract the individual fields by looping through a "while" routine -- but you should already know this, Ricky, come on!
Ricky, defiantly, but in perhaps a slightly softer voice than he had originally intended to use for this remark: I don't have to listen to this!
Q: What? You don't have to listen to WHAT? It's nothing personal, big boy: What do you want me to tell you, that you're doing a good job? 'Cause you're not. In fact, you're screwing up royally! (Bloody hell!)
Right, Sarah, you're next: Please show me some dogs, darling, yes? (Christ almighty: What a team I've got today!)
Sarah: You see, here I've created a form and you just click on the name of the breed that you want to see, and the php randomly selects a photograph of that breed from the mysql database and then displays it in this little box here.
Q: Yes! Yes! A thousand times Yes! Ricky, Josephine: Come over here. Just look at that laptop screen: That's the sort of fun user-friendly feature that I want to see you develop using the database dog photographs, yes? Sarah here has created a program to let the user look at pictures of various dog breeds.
Now why can't you two do something like that --
Josephine: Oh!
Q: What did you do now, Josephine? (Blimey, it's like I've got Calamity Jane on the show this week!)
Josephine: Oh, I've successfully imported some photographs but I can't make them appear in the iframe because the string variables identifying them can't be passed to iframe pages.
Q: They can't? Why not?
Josephine: Well, they can't, can they?
Q: Oh, bloody hell. #!#@ me. Have you never heard of GET variables, Josephine?!
Josephine: Yeah -- sort of.
Q: Sort of? (Christ almighty!) This is all PHP 101, darling, now, please, get a grip. You have just 10 minutes to finish your dog-related Web page, and you're still miles behind Sarah here who's apparently done now except for a little tweaking -- and I'll be giving her that little tweaking in just a minute, too, so --
Sarah: What?
Q: Bloody hell, Sarah wasn't supposed to hear that!
Josephine: But --
Q: Look, it's very simple, sweetheart: Use the setcookie command on the main page to assign the needed variables to a cookie, and then retrieve those variables on your iframe page using a GET statement.
Sigh
I can't believe I really need to tell you this stuff! Come on, now!
Right, Ricky, where are you now, big boy? Have you extracted your variables?
Ricky: Uh, just about.
Q: Just about?! Not good enough: you only have five minutes now -- and I don't want a Web page that is just thrown together, either, I want a thought-out interface to make the page user-friendly and fun. (#@#! me!)
Right, okay, get a move on, people, yes? I'm going to be judging your dog-related Web sites after the upcoming commercials -- speaking of which, it's time for me to turn toward the camera again in a bid to interest viewers in the final portion of our show. Lights, camera, nonsense!
Coming up next, I decide which webmaster wannabe has created the most attractive, usable, and useful web site of them all, after which I do my sarcastic best to make the two losers of that competition feel like dirt. Then finally, just before the credit roll, I tell the worst of my three wannabes to beat it on account of they're obviously not -- repeat: NOT -- webmaster material. So stay tuned.
La la la la la la la Welcome back to The Q Word. In a moment, I'll pick my favorite contestant-created Web site out of the three created today and then I'll give today's worst player the boot, but first here's my PHP recipe for extracting the highest record from a numeric field in a MySql statement.
Simple PHP Casserole
First, set result string equal to mysql_query...
$result=mysql_query
Then, invoke the parenthetical SELECT statement...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT
Add an asterisk to include all the records in your query...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT *
Declare the name of the table from which you wish to search...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourTable
Declare the field name by which you wish to order your result set...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourField ORDER BY YourField...
Append the abbreviation DESC to ensure that your result set begins with the highest numeric value in your specified field...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourField ORDER BY YourField DESC
End the SELECT statement by specifying a one-record max for your result set and then close your line of code with the customary semicolon...
$result=mysql_query("SELECT * FROM YourField ORDER BY YourField DESC LIMIT 1");
Now simply connect to database...
include 'databaseconnection.php';
run the resulting output through a WHILE loop...
while ($row=mysql_fetch_array($result)) {
and assign the values of the returned record's various fields to the string variables of your choice...
$MyID=$row
'ID'
;$MyDescription=$row
'DESCRIPTION'
;$MyDate=$row
'Date'
;Then Print:
echo "The ID field in the record returned is ".$MyID;
echo " while the Description field is ".$MyDescription;
echo " and the Date field is ".$MyDate;
PHP script for extracting the highest record from a numeric field: DONE!
Q: Right, time to rate the Web sites created today by my three contestants. Sarah, come over here, please.
Uh, Sarah, bring your laptop with you, please, darling! (Bloody hell! I don't just want to have an idle chat with you, darling! I want to see what you've done with your Web site!)
Now here, Josephine and Ricky, is a real Web page, albeit a simple one. She's created a very simple, intuitive interface to allow site visitors to sort and view her dog photographs by breed. Notice she has a short explanatory title for the page inside the H1 tags. And why is that important, Ricky?
Ricky: Uh, well, because it makes the type font larger and more noticeable.
Q: Wrong answer, big boy: I can add a CSS class to the H1 tag that will make it output the smallest text imaginable.
Josephine: Oh, I know.
Q: Why is the H1 tag important, Josephine?
Josephine: Because search engine spiders such as Googlebot rely heavily on H1 tags to determine what a Web page is about.
Q: Bingo. See, Ricky? If you'd only stop and THINK for a moment before recklessly sounding off with the first sketchy notion that pops into your clarity-challenged brain! Bloody hell!
Ricky: I don't have to listen to this!
Q: Where are you going?
Ricky: I'm leaving!
Q: Boy, I thought you were a lot of things during the course of this program, Ricky, but I had never pegged you as a quitter.
Ricky: Oh...
Q: Now, you've come this far, big boy: you may as well tough it out.
Ricky, wavering: Well...
Q: I'm not asking you to like me: I'm asking you to like yourself enough to LEARN from me.
Josephine, quizzically to self: What?
Q: Quiet, Josephine: No one's talking to you!
Ricky, pouting and looking down at his shoes as he scuffs first the left heel, then the right against the computer lab doormat: Oh... I guess I'll stay.
Q: Why not? Besides, I may be on the verge of giving you the boot anyway, Ricky, in which case you'll be out that door soon enough, won't you, old man?
Well, come on, big boy: chin up. You're never going to send me on a guilt trip with these transparently stereotypical histrionics of yours, so you may as well straighten up and fly right, yes? (Bloody hell!)
Now then, drum roll, please.
Pause
Congratulations, Sarah, you are the winner of our best Web site of the night.
Ricky and Josephine: What?
Ricky: You haven't even looked at our sites yet!
Q: Did too: At least I saw enough of them during the commercial break to realize that you hadn't followed my instructions at all!
Josephine: What do you mean? I linked successfully to all the dog photographs in my database!
Q: But the entire interface to your canine eye candy was made up of boring text links! I mean, come on, Josephine: Use the brain that Dr. Frankenstein gave you!
Josephine: WHAT?!
Q: I'm kidding, okay? (Bloody hell: There are so many chips on the wannabe shoulders around this place today that I'm tempted to ring up Pinocchio's dad and ask him to come over with his handy chisel!)
Ricky: But what about MY site: I finished mine, too!
Q: Um, Earth to Ricky: Those are not dog photographs on your Web site, big boy, those are wolves -- WOLVES, Ricky!
Ricky: What?
Q: You accessed the wrong bloody database table, you numpkin! (Bloody hell!)
Sarah and Josephine snicker in spite of themselves
Right. Time to announce my Wannabe of the week -- although 2 of this week's 3 challengers have let me down so spectacularly today that the outcome should be obvious even to the willfully dim perception of an Internet-scorning Luddite: Sarah, congratulations, darling, you are the Webmaster Wannabe of the week, and you come back next week to compete in the final round for the distinguished title of Webmaster, which I'll be conferring on our winner just two months from now in the main conference room of the world's largest museum devoted to Information Age artifacts, the historic Computer History Museum in Silicon Valley!
Finally, Josephine and Ricky, I'm afraid I've got to give one of you the boot.
Apprehensive pause
Josephine, you bored me to tears with those text links of yours --
Josephine, sadly, looking down:Yes, chef -- I mean, Webmaster.
Q: I feel like suing you for the several seconds of precious life that I wasted trying to find anything on the page that held the slightest bit of interest for me.
Josephine: Yes, Webmaster.
Q: Why do you think the word "MY" is in the name of so many Web sites and Web services these days?
Josephine: Well, um --
Q: Hello? It's because folks want to know "What's in it for me?" and the answer in the case of your seemingly image-free Web site is "Nothing, sucker. Nothing at all!" (SIGH! Bloody hell...)
Luckily for you, you were competing today against a hapless wannabe that doesn't know the difference between a wolf and a dog!
Ricky: Do, too!
Q: Not only that, Josephine, but you're competing against a contestant who likes to talk back to me and never seems to take my constructive criticism to heart.
Ricky: Do not!
Q: Do not what?
Ricky: I mean, do too.
Q: Right, Josephine, congratulations: You're coming back next week for our final episode of The Q Word, in which you and Sarah will go head tag to head tag, so to speak, in our final battle for the coveted title of Webmaster, to be duly conferred by yours truly this summer in California (with all the appropriate pomp and circumstances, of course, including full symphony orchestra and champagne bottles) at the Information Age landmark to which I have just alluded above.
Ricky: To which you have just alluded above? Above what?
Q: What, are YOU still here, Ricky? Beat it, civilian. This is a show for potential Webmasters only. (Christ almighty, Ricky's a slow learner even in defeat!)
Ricky exits, mumbling
Right, now I'll just turn back to the camera one more time to plug this year's final episode and then bob's your uncle's webmaster...
Thanks for watching The Q Word. Next week we find out who will be traveling with me to Mountainview this summer to be installed as a card-carrying member in good standing with the Pacific Chapter of the International Association of Webmasters, Northern California Branch. If you'd like to compete for the title of Webmaster in our NEXT season and you don't mind being ferociously yelled at for every false step that you take (and even for a few false steps that I only THINK you take), drop us an e-mail at THANK - YOU - SIR - MAY - I - HAVE - ANOTHER - DOT - COM?
c.2010 Brian Quass, Alexandria, VA USA