You've heard of the Great Barrier Reef, right? Off the coast of Northern Queensland in Australia? One of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World? A diver's paradise of iridescent snails, and symbiotic sea anemones? You know, the sort of place that National Geographic is always going on and on about? You know: Barrier Reef this, Barrier Reef that? Well, what would you say if I were to tell you that a jellyfish was wreaking havoc down yonder? No, it's true:

Irukandji, j'accuse!

The People (divers, especially) versus Carukia Barnesi

Trial of Irukandji (aka Carukia Barnesi), for stinging Australian swimmers with malice aforethought

Judge: Mr. Irukandji, raise your rightmost tentacle and repeat after me: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Natural Selection?"

Irukandji: (Sigh) I do.

Judge: Mr. Irukandji, please turn and face the jury.

Irukandji: I AM facing the jury, your honor.

Judge: Oh. Ahem. Yes, of course you are. Now then: Is it not true that you also go by the scientific name of Carukia Barnesi?

Irukandji: The scientific community is pleased to call me that, yes.

Judge: A simple yes or no will suffice, Mr. Barnesi.

Irukandji: Please, call me Carukia.

Judge: Shush! Now then, Mr. Barnesi, is it not true that you have stung approximately 60 swimmers every year in the vicinity of Australia's Great Coral Reef?

Irukandji: My species does, yes.

Judge: And why, pray, would you do such a thing?

Irukandji: Hey, they swim into me, okay? Can I help it if I'm venomous?

Gooey Jellyfish (No Backbone! the World of Invertebrates) (Library Binding)


Presenting the Florida Reading Association's Children's Book for 2008-2009. Of course, the controversial Carukia barnesi gets short (or even no) shrift in this book, since it's written for ages 4 to 8, but then you don't want to scare Junior and Sis out of the water for life, do you, by prematurely exposing them to what may very well be the most venomous jellyfish in the world!

Judge: Now, for the record, I understand you have four long but retractable tentacles.

Irukandji: That's correct.

Judge: And your head is shaped like a -- well, like a bell, I suppose.

Irukandji: Well, you're not exactly Prince Charming yourself.

Judge: And what would you say was the size of your "bell," Mr. Barnesi?

Irukandji: About two centimeters -- which, no wonder swimmers run into me.

Judge: Please, just answer the questions.

Irukandji: Sorry.

Judge: Isn't it true that two divers have been killed by your sting lately?

Irukandji: You seem to know all the answers, why don't YOU tell us?

Judge: Just answer the question!

Irukandji: All right, all right! I did it! Ha ha ha! (Well, my species did it, anyway.) Ha ha ha ha!

Judge: No further questions, your honor. But I would point out to Mr. Barnesi (aka Irukandji) that his murderous days are over, on account of the scientific community, as he calls it, has recently come up with an antidote for his crippling sting.

Box Jellyfish or Sea Wasp, Poisonous, Australia Photographic Poster Print by Karen Gowlett-holmes, 12x16
Box Jellyfish photograph, by Karen Gowlett-Holmes. Perfect for that seaside cottage of yours. Tease the squeamish landlubbers among your weekend guests by posting this prominently in the main living area! So you live in the states and these gnarly dudes live down under -- you're under no obligation to tell your guests that!

Irukandji: Rats!

Judge: Okay, Mr. Barnesi, you may step down -- or slither away -- or whatever. (Eww!)

Carukia Barnesi was subsequently found guilty of two counts of involuntary manslaughter and transferred to the Camden Aquarium, as part of an exhibit on deadly box jellyfish. He continues to maintain his innocence and claims that the courtroom "confession" was made under duress. Meanwhile, the jellyfish is working on his autobiography, "Stung!" and granting numerous interviews to alternative radio stations. Last year's concert by "Rage against the Marine Biologists" reportedly raised $500,000 for the Carukia Defense Fund.

Call for Action!

A recent online publication from the CRC Reef Research Centre in Queensland, Australia, has cast doubt on the guilt of Carukia Barnesi in the case of the two fatal jellyfish stings alleged above. According to the Centre's Louise Goggin, both stinging victims had pre-existing medical conditions that may have exacerbated their responses to the toxin. Moreover, the poisonous cells collected from the second man's skin "do not belong to Carukia barnesi or to any other known cubozoan." Why then the rush to judgment? Could it be that prosecutors originally bungled the case by failing to interview the closely related Chironex fleckeri jellyfish, which, after all, is just as deadly as its persecuted cousin and is known to frequent the same waters? Hmm, well, it all sounds very fishy to the editorial staff here at Quass.com, I can tell you. That's why we've begun a Free Carukia Barnesi campaign, to increase awareness of the evident bias of marine biologists down-under in tracking down a killer. And now, for a limited time, you can join in the struggle, by wearing your heart on your sleeve (or your chest) with this "Free Carukia Barnesi" T-shirt. Wear it proudly at beaches across the globe to demonstrate your sense of justice and trans-species compassion. Proceeds to benefit Quass.com in its never-ending quest to sell products that leave the purchaser feeling morally superior to their (let's face it) somewhat benighted neighbors. (When will they ever learn. Nay, WILL they ever learn? I rather think not.)