Thank you! No, seriously, you're too kind.




So...did you hear about that giant hexagon on the North Pole of Saturn?




That's right, the Cassini orbiter has detected a huge stationary hexagon smack-dab on the currently sunless top of that windy planet.



Seriously, that's a direct quote from NASA: the feature was located "smack-dab" on the top of the planet! (Hey, listen, what part of "smack-dab" do you not understand: the smack or the dab?)



Mind you, the Voyager spacecraft had already gotten a lens-full of this static structure back in 1980, but the scientists back then figured that the oddly symmetrical form was probably just a transient feature. But, boy, do they have egg on their geeky face NOW -- egg nothing, they've got a giant milk mustache on their face! (I can hear their various bosses now: "Transient feature, indeed, Mr. Hicks! It's lasted a full 26 years, you blockhead!")




Thank you for that "whoo-hoo!" sir. The promised payment will be handed to you in an unmarked envelope after the show. (Incidentally, I haven't yet signed up an official "whoo-hoo'er" for tomorrow night's performance. See me later tonight if you're interested.)

Of course, for the benefit of any lamebrains in the audience tonight, I should probably point out that this Cassini oribter (complete with its scientific sidekick, the Huygens Probe) was launched from Cape Canaveral on October 15, 1997, in a 22-story-tall rocketship, if you please! Fair enough, lamebrains? Ha ha! (Oh, I am terrible!)

What's that, sir? You're darn tootin' there will be a test on this. In fact, there will be a whole battery of tests, and those of you who so much as answer one question wrong will be repeatedly thwacked with a very wet noodle, indeed! So straighten up and fly right, yes?

No, seriously! Seriously!

And of course everybody knows about Saturn, right? I mean, hello? It's the second largest planet in the Solar System and the sixth planet from the sun, not to mention the fact that its low density would allow it to float on the surface of any ocean that was theoretically large enough to accommodate it! (Well, now, understand, please, that the planet in question is 93% hydrogen, yes?)

The lamebrains are like, "Well, if you're so smart, why are you reading all this s--- off of cue cards?" Well, make no mistake, I could throw these cards away right now and be completely at ease with my material. So don't antagonize me, or so help me I just may toss these 3x5s of mine right down into this orchestra pit here, like so much waste paper! I mean it! Don't force my hand, now!




What? You call that antagonizing me? You'll have to do a better job than that if you expect to make me toss these index cards into the orchestra pit out of sheer vexation with your histrionics! My little sister could antagonize me more than THAT! Jeepers!

I guess I can hold onto these mnemonic aids after all -- though you have my word of honor as a gentleman that I don't really need them. Anyway, now that I've turned practically my whole audience against me --

I'm sorry, but this is how they told me to do this in comedy school --

I'm coming to the point of my whole gig.

Drum roll, please, maestro.



All right, stop, Maestro. Enough already!

NASA is, of course, trying to put a scientific spin on the surprising rediscovery of this enormous North Pole hexagon. After all, every NASA researcher knows that they'd be drummed out of the agency in a clown suit if they ever mentioned the "A" word, even by way of the most apologetically offered hypothesis.


*BEGINJ*

Researcher: "S-Sir, you -- you know, there's always a tiny chance -- very tiny, to be sure, but a chance all the same -- that we're dealing with an a-a-a-alien here."



Boss: "I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Mr. Hicks! Honestly, I feel demeaned merely to hear that word in this august scientific environment of ours here at NASA! Humph, Hicks, humph! Do you hear? Humph!"

*ENDJ*
And so here is the official NASA line, straight from the NASA web site, regarding the hexagon's probable origins:


"The hexagon is likely an unusually strong pole-encircling planetary wave that extends deep into the atmosphere."

Now, I ask you: Does that sharply defined hexagon on the North Pole of Saturn look to YOU like " an unusually strong pole-encircling planetary wave that extends deep into the atmosphere"? I think not.

I mean, I'm no scientist here, but I think I know a MANMADE structure when I see one -- or in this case probably a SATURNIAN-MADE structure. Well, somebody's got to say it: There must be aliens on Saturn who have rigged up this hexagon for reasons that are not yet apparent to us. Who knows? Maybe they simply wanted to advise us of their presence by showing off an object that they thought we couldn't possibly mistake for "natural."

If so, imagine their disappointment on receiving radiowaves from Earth indicating that our best scientists were dismissing the hexagon as "an unusually strong pole-encircling planetary wave that extends deep into the atmosphere"?

I bet heads are rolling on Saturn even as we speak:

*BEGINJ* Volneck VI: Cherneck, You told us that the Earthlings would recognize the hexagon as being an artificial structure, thereby advising that race of our own presence here on this planet.

Cherneck: My humble apologies, Lord Volneck. Perhaps next time we should try constructing a giant octagon.

Volneck VI: There will be no "next time" for you, Cherneck.

Cherneck: Better yet, a dodecagon! They can't fail to recognize THAT as artificial!

Volneck VI: Guards, take him away!

Cherneck: How about a giant maze?*ENDJ*

Right, gig over: Here's the first test question: The giant hexagon is located smack-___ on the North Pole of Saturn.

Think about it: we went over this, folks.

(Yo, can I get someone in the kitchen back there to bring me at least a dozen very wet noodles? It looks like I'm going to need them!)


Saturn Stats composition: 93% hydrogen, 7% helium
core: rock
core size: 10-20 Earths
day: 10 hours, 39 minutes
density: only planet less dense than water
diameter: nine times Earth's
distance: 6th planet from Sun
hexagon size: 15,000 miles wide
highest winds: 1,116 mph easterly winds at equator
number of moons: 57
revolution around sun: 29.5 Earth years
ring composition: ice and rock dust