Standing-Up for America on fifth anniversary of 9-11

Just so you know, I'm ashamed that rattlesnakes come from Texas. (Mind you, I'm not too happy about their presence in neighboring New Mexico, neither!)

Stand Up for America !



September 11, 2006





His lordship has the gall to admit, unapologetically (nay, even proudly!) that he is, in fact, a.... (wait till you hear this one, gang!) .... an AMERICAN, thank you very much!!!! Yes, an AMERICAN!!!!!!!















Right, thanks for the warm welcome.







Whoo-hoo, even: right.







Now then, before I introduce myself, I have a question for the security team: Has everyone been checked for hazardous projectiles?



Good.



Ahem!



Ladies and Gentlemen, I am an American and --



That's it, get it out of your system.



I could have softened the blow (like many of our cringing stateside comics these days during their gigs in Europe) by telling you how much "I, too, hate George Bush" -- but I'll thank you to like me without my kissing that particular ignominious Blarney Stone.



No, seriously, the man is no Abe Lincoln, okay, but neither is he Adolf Hitler.







Put that froth back in your mouth, sir. You're going to need it later on in my routine.



No, seriously: You think he's Hitler because you've embraced the moral criteria of political correctness according to which actions (especially those of a presumed "oppressor") are judged by outcomes rather than motives. But consider -- oh, consider, my friends: that position logically implies that a hit-and-run driver is morally indistinguishable from an assassin who kills his victim with an automobile -- and thus George Bush may be facilely dismissed as Hitler -- albeit it over a background noise of roaring silence vis-a-vis the moral intentions of his heavily armed enemies on the streets of Baghdad and Kabul, an opposition whose insidious motives would have been instantly recognized in the "non-PC past" insomuch as their very "game plans" consist of attacking civilians cum civilians.



Okay, now everyone just go back to your seats. And do stop waving those fisticuffs in my face: Really, it's such a bore. (Psst! Guards. I'll pay you $25 on the spot to get this bozo out of my face.)



No, seriously, seriously.



See, I have no problem with you guys bashing United States policies on the subject of your choice -- honest, I don't -- but what's this business about bashing Americans themselves? Do you know that the French teachers actually refused to teach my teenage cousin on her recent trip to the Midi for no other reason than her American nationality? I mean, pardon me, but that is just nationalistic spite. Never during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan did it occur to me that I should be raising my hackles towards Russians in general, much less Russian youngsters!



Anyway, If we Yanks are to be personally pilloried for George Bush's approach to the War on Terror then why do the Brits get off scot-free in this regard, led as you've been lately by a P.M. who has essentially seconded that very approach?



(Security, please tell me that you've checked everyone for cakes and pies. Please tell me that.)



Of course I know the answer to my own objection: It seems (strange to report) that Blair is an automaton (to put it much more nicely than his critics typically do) who will do the bidding of the United States come hell or high water. (Oh, right, I forgot. . Yes, an automaton. Of course. .)



No, seriously! Seriously! Don't get me wrong: I would have no problem with your criticisms (our jaded PC viewpoints notwithstanding, we still live in a relatively free world on both sides of the Atlantic, so by all means, speak your minds!). What kills me is....



Incoming fisticuffs! Security, man your posts!



No, seriously:



What kills me is the blatant one-sidedness of all this anti-American outrage. When is some comedian going to stand-up and pillory Al-Jazeera for being the media mouthpiece of Bin-Laden? When are Saudis going to be subjected to even half the ridicule leveled against Americans, considering nearly all the 9-11 hijackers were from that notoriously un-free nation? And how can anyone have expected the "invasion" of Iraq (which, of course, we're all too trendily cynical these days to call an attempted "liberation") to work according to its ostensibly beneficent plan when "liberals" on both sides of the Atlantic did all they could (even before the invasion) to tell the Iraqis (through cynical stand-up routines, op-ed pieces, etc.) that they (the Iraqis) would be suckers to go along with an invading regime -- never mind the invader's motives -- again using the perverse P.C. logic according to which invasion is bad per se (especially so when prosecuted by a presumed "oppressor," which is to say any big, free, relatively capitalist country).



Incidentally, I don't personally want the Saudis subjected to any ridicule whatsoever: My point is simply that they would be subjected to ridicule if our two countries' critics of worldwide injustice felt the need to be censorially consistent -- and since they don't, one can only suspect that they harbor some hidden anti-U.S. agenda whose roots transcend the current controversy but of which those detractors have not yet had the candor to speak openly.



Right. Someone just threw a tomato. (Nyeh-nyeh, ya missed me, ya missed me, now ya gotta kiss me!)



No, seriously, seriously.



Dig: I have problems myself with George You-Know-Who, okay? But there comes a point where our "knowing" and "hip" criticism of western democracies becomes cowardice and diversion to the extent that we fail to equally criticize (or indeed to criticize at all) the prima facie illiberal policies of democracy's avowed enemies.







Hmm. When you say "boo," do you mean --



Never mind: I'll take that "boo" to be a good "boo." Because I really like you European types. I really do. But I'll thank you to forgive me for being American from now on -- or so help me, my overseas tourist money is going to be henceforth spent in Shangri-freakin'-La, you know what I'm saying????



Hey, listen, you've been a great (if somewhat spirited) audience.







Yes, "boo boo" to you, too too.



Guards, get me out of here alive, and I'll double your salary!!!!!

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