Spam I Am: Episode 8

Einen Kleinen Junkmail

Welcome to another edition of SPAM I AM, the show that takes you behind the scenes of Brian's e-mail in-box to reveal the fathomless inanity of junkmailers. Now, here's your host: Webmaster Q! Thank you, Don Pardo, thank you, friends!



Today's theme: Einen Kleinen Junkmail, an examination of the increasing number of foreign-language junkmails that are ending up in meinen kleinen inbox.



Subject: Ihr Schufa Eintrag



Having the vaguest comprehension of the Teutonic tongue (I am an einen kleinen blockhead when it comes to the German language), I betake myself to Babelfish at Altavista to translate the subject line of this unintelligible junkmail; however, I come away scarcely less mystified than before when I learn that it means "It's Schufa Entry."



I mean, no doubt it IS Schufa entry, but what in the name of lederhosen is Schufa entry? Happily, however, I'm not one to give up easily, so I proceed to translate the message body itself in Babelfish, from which tactic, I learn that the sender would fain provide me with "a new bank account, a bank credit, a Ec or credit card." In fact, the first translated sentence is admirably clear on this point, leading me to hope that the remainder of the e-mail will be rendered equally intelligible.



But fat chance, for in the very next sentence, the German spammer asks me the following curious question:



"Are you surprised, why your house bank does not permit target being?" Well, naturally, my jaw just drops. I mean, why should I be surprised that my house bank does not permit target being?! I don't know of ANY bank that permits target being. Granted, I don't know precisely what "target being" is, but it sounds to me like a far too speculative activity for any FDIC-insured institution to engage in. Fortunately, the e-mailer goes on to elaborate (according to my increasingly dubious-sounding online translation):



"Banks examine your soil quality before assignment with the help of? Schutzvereinigung the banks? (briefly Schufa). Often because of a negative Schufa entry publication and/or order is not granted.



" Ah, now we're getting somewhere. The spammer apparently wants to help me with my negative Schufa. (Why didn't he just come out and say so?!)



"Turn simply to a bank no Schufa connection had!" says he. "Yes, it really gives!" Oh, well, if it really truly gives, then sign me up! No more negative Schufas for me, that's MY motto. (Jeeeeeeez!)



Subject: Hier ist der Link Fraulein Jessika checks in from post.com with junkmail number zwei. Which, don't tell me, Jessika, the subject line is: "The link is higher" right?



Scratch that, Jessika. Babelfish informs me that you merely meant to say that "The link is here." And in fact, the subsequently translated message bears that out, as it reads:



"Hello, here the link list is which you wanted. Perhaps you find there, what you look for. In love your Jessi."



Ah, Jessi! Here the response is which you wanted. Perhaps you find there what you deserve: namely, a big raspberry blown in the general direction of your time-wasting dumb kopf!



(For with all due Achtung, Fraulein Jessika, I refusen to clicken on any linkens in einen kleinen junk-mail!)



Subject : un cadeau dès votre première commande Lest anyone think I'm picking on the Germans (Gott love them, to be sure!), I'll take my final example of foreign-language junkmail from a French spammer, one Sophie Dupret, s'il vous plaît, whose subject line admonishes me that I will receive a gift with my first order (of some as yet unspecified product or service). Reading on énergétiquement, I learn that the dear woman wants to stock me up with "ramettes de papier" at an exceptional price. (Très gentil, n'est-ce pas?)



Unfortunately, my knowledge of French does not extend to the phrase "ramettes de papier," but turning to Babelfish, I discover that it means "paper reams." Why, bless her little coeur, Sophie wants to stock me up with paper reams -- at an exceptional price, no less! Merci freakin' beaucoup, Madame. (Although she goes on parenthetically to note that the offer is "reserved for your company," which, I don't even have one, but how could she know that? Besides it's the pensée that counts.)

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