Live from the Cactus Lounge in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, it's everyone's favorite virtual stand-up comedian, Thistlewaite G. Fensterbaron III!
















Thank you, Don Pardo, thank you, friends!










Today's Stand-Up Comedy Routine is sponsored by Food: The Next time you're hungry, try food.







And by Games: Tired of watching television: Why not play a game?







And by Other Various Miscellaneous Items: Tired of both Food and Games? Maybe it's time you considered Other Various Miscellaneous Items!










And now here he is, veteran laugh king and Amazon Associate member since 1999....



Thistlewaite G. Fensterbaron III!















Wow! What a great crowd.







It's great to be here in this (shall we say?) rather interestingly named community here in Upper Merion Township, Pennyslvania. Wassup, King of Prussia?!!!




First, however, you may be curious about the atypically commercial nature of the foregoing introduction: Well, the fact is that ticket sales alone haven't been cutting it for me financially speaking lately. Oh, I've been getting by, but I haven't exactly been staying at the Four Seasons Marriott these days. In fact, just last night I was just up the road at the The Lady Frances Bide-a-Wee in Norristown.







Of course, you get what you pay for, so I don't want to complain -- but I did have second thoughts when I saw the silhouette of that old woman rocking away behind a pulled shade in what appeared to be the owner's residence one floor above the main lobby. But then it was probably just an innocent old lady, rocking in a rocking chair, notwithstanding the sinister connotations that such a scene was bound to have for a Hitchcock fan such as myself. Besides, what was I going to do, go inside and ask the clerk for some reassurances?

"Yes, I'll just be staying for one night. Oh, by the by, I couldn't help but notice the silhouette of that old woman rocking in her rocking chair upstairs. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just wanted to make sure that 'she' wasn't by any chance actually a 'he,' who, having murdered his mother, had now taken her place, in consideration of which brutal proceedings the long-term safety of your clientele can, in all likelihood, no longer be reasonably guaranteed?"

Now, I was fortunate this time, because no one attacked me in the shower this morning with a butcher knife. But until I can lay down some serious money for accommodations on the road, I'm going to be at the mercy of every unbalanced or simply maladjusted small-scale hotelier in this country!







Hear that noise? Gulp! I think they're sharpening their various blades for me even as I speak! You know, I think that the government should keep track of the purchases of kitchen knives made by U.S. hoteliers and investigate any strange patterns that they turn up:

"Mr. Clark, it's the FBI. We were just wondering why you all of the sudden wanted to buy a big butcher knife when you've apparently done without one for years. Besides, we understand you have a cook who prepares the food for your hotel. Surely you get your meals from him, and he in turn already has all the cutlery he requires to do his job."

Of course, after hearing that affecting explanation, you can hardly blame me for breaking into my stand-up comedy routine at this very moment in a desperate attempt to "flog" this fabulous Vintage movie poster featuring Vera Miles and Anthony Perkins. Yes, it's an 11x17 inch ready-to-hang "Pyscho" movie poster in a "crystal showcase display sleeve," with sharp quality image from the original photographic master, yours from the Poster Store and Leapin Lizard.
























Speaking of Psycho, did you know that the movie was based on a novel by Robert Bloch? Oh, you did, did you? Well, did you know that you could buy that novel here?

























Sorry: I'm just trying to save my life here by selling enough gig-related merchandise to stay out of those excessively cheap motels in the future.










Still, I'd better expand my offerings if I hope to raise the necessary cash to steer clear of the Farmer Vincents of the world and their various Motel Hells. (No room clerk is going to bury ME in their backyard garden, thank you very much!)













I know: Who wants a nice official Psycho Motel Sign for their comical convenience? Hang it conspicuously on the wall to get a rise out of your stodgy old in-laws. (If you don't personally have any stodgy old in-laws, borrow some from your neighbors. Almost everyone has at least one pair of stodgy old in-laws that are fully deserving of a little irreverent abuse like this.)



















Now then, this may be "pushing it," as they say, but if you really want to fluster the hypocritical Philistines in your extended family, "don we now our gay (or at any rate, transsexual) apparel" with this Adult's Mother's Psycho Dress!















Knife sold separately!







Warning: At the time of this stand-up comedy routine, cold-blooded murder was definitely frowned upon (with big, intensely knitted, bushy black eyebrows) in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. Puerto Rico was none too crazy about it, either!








But enough with the Psycho-related sales pitches. It's time that I made with the usual geographically oriented flattery in order to ingratiate myself with the locals.







Ah, yes, King of Prussia. Named after a local 18th-century tavern, as I understand it, which in turn was named for that notoriously testy but ("at the end of the day") religiously tolerant Potsdam potentate and polymath, Frederick II of Prussia.







Hey, listen, I did my homework before coming here.







And there's more where that came from regarding my knowledge of Old Fritz, as they called him, for I have it on good authority that he was Voltaire's "go-to" man for witty repartee, AND the apple of the respective eyes of such Enlightenment bigwigs as Gotthold Lessing and Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

Applause

Oh, yeah, and he apparently played a mean flute, did the King of Prussia.








But don't be jealous over all of these admittedly interesting facts that I seem to have amassed here -- because you, too, can learn all this and more from the following great book, also available at Amazon.com:















Go on, buy it -- unless, of course, you're comfortable with Anthony Perkins and company making mincemeat of yours truly.







Of course, all this irritating begging on my part would no doubt be unnecessary if the U.S. government would get on the ball and start monitoring knife purchases by motel clerks and owners. But until that day comes, I have no choice but to upgrade my accommodations to those establishments whose national corporate oversight is extensive enough to ensure that I am no longer subject to the often adversarial vagaries of small-town American entrepreneurs, who, if the truth be told, are just as likely to put a death threat on my pillow as a chocolate. (They think they can fool me about their intentions, but I've seen my share of horror movies: I know what goes on in the hospitality world -- or at very least what could theoretically go on in it -- and I'm not taking any chances.)










Listen, you've been a great audience -- and surprisingly well-behaved, too. (What's that? You were afraid of my kitchen knife? Ha ha! Oh, how ironic! The joke is on you guys, because guess what? The kitchen knife wasn't loaded! NOW don't you feel silly?! Ha!)








Remember, the products here remain on sale after the show -- so you still have a chance to buy the product of your choice, thus saving me from eventual certain death.










From the Cactus Lounge in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, this has been everyone's favorite virtual stand-up comedian, Thistlewaite G. Fensterbaron III!