Welcome to the Apple Lounge. I'm Johnny Appleseed, I'll be here through Thursday.



Speaking of Apples, be nice to me today, because I've just updated my operating system.



Yes, folks, you are looking at the new improved Johnny Appleseed 10.1.0.



The new version was necessary because it fixes some old pesky bugs in the original. For instance, as my co-workers at the office will no doubt recall, I used to get (shall we say) a "trifle" defensive when we'd be at TGIF Friday's on the weekend and they'd be talking about the high and mighty schools that they all seem to have attended before coming to work (only as an unfortunate but necessary stopgap measure, of course) for our current no-name employer. Of course, I was probably just jealous because I myself merely went to a normal, good, old-fashioned, regular, no-nonsense school, thank you very much (Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond, Virginia, to be precise: Perhaps you've heard of it? No? That's funny. It's been making something of a name for itself over these last couple of decades. Look it up: It's on the Web, of course.) Still, I always got the disturbing impression that my drinking buddies were eternally looking for opportunities to drag the name of their lofty alma maters into our discussions -- to drag them in, as it were, "kicking and screaming," if necessary, no matter how unrelated the reference might be to the topic at hand.



Exhibit A: A snippet of a typical conversation on a Friday night at Friday's:



Me: So the train got less than a half-mile north of the New Haven station when it broke down!



Leslie: New Haven? That's where I went to school!



Joey: You went to YALE, too?



Christian: So did I!!!



Alumni:

"Bulldog, bulldog, bow wow wow!" Ha ha ha!

Me: Quite. Anyway, our train broke down north of New Haven, yes?...



See? I was a bundle of spite in the past, wasn't I? (Silly me! Why I --) although upon reflection, it's not clear to me that "spite" is susceptible of being bundled. No doubt it can only be "scooped up," so to speak, with the kind of heat-treated steel shovel with which one used to fire old-fashioned furnaces with coal. (Of course, don't quote me on that: I'll get back to you after running this latter hypothesis by my fortunately still-lucid centenarian grandfather as a reality check.)



But now that your old Pal Johnny has been upgraded to version 10.1.0, I can listen to my friends boast for ages about their academic bona fides, and it doesn't bother me one jot! No longer do I feel the need to interrupt their self-aggrandizing harangues with a defensive rejoinder about the admittedly ever-rising reputation of my own school down south. It suffices that I myself know that I am an intellect worthy of note. So there! (Aw, you gotta love me, folks: I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman! -- well, no, I'm not woman, obviously, but I am certainly strong and invincible. Well, within reason, anyway. Actually, "invincible" is probably too categorical of a term -- one is still only human, after all -- but I'm definitely strong, I'll give me that. Are you kidding? Just look at me grit my teeth: Grrrr! Oh, Grrrr! I tell ya, if the Yale Bulldog could see me now, he (or more likely, she) would scamper out of the Walter Camp Gate at the Yale Athletic Complex with its tail between its high-falutin legs. "Help, friends! I have seen true strength in the form of Johnny Appleseed, version 10.1.0.)




Of course, I'm just JOKING now that I've been updated and made all humble-like by the miracles of modern reprogramming (hugs and kisses to those Silly Cons in the Valley) -- still, I have to admit, the earlier version of myself was really p---ed off by the hoity-toity pretensions of my colleagues, especially when they were "in their cups" at Friday's and dropping the names of their alma maters right and left.




Exhibit B from the "bad old days" when I was still the aforementioned "bundle of spite" (if you'll forgive the problematic phraseology for the terminological reasons cited above):



Me: So anyway, sis and I then took the red line out to Cafe Pamplona, out on Bow Street or whatever --



Ralph: You mean the famous cafe in Harvard Square? Oh, I used to love their Cuban Sandwiches and their one-dollar cups of coffee!



Jack: The coffee still only costs one dollar, by the way.



Ralph: Don't tell me you went to Harvard, too, Jack -- LIKE I DID -- WENT TO HARVARD, I MEAN?



Sue: Say, wasn't that the Cafe that was busted by the Harvard Crimson in 1999 for hiring only male waiters, which the owner argued was supposedly in-line with Spanish tradition?



Jack: Oh, Sue! Don't tell me you're a Pilgrim, too?



Sue: Bingo.



Alumni:

Right, on the count of three, people:

1, 2, 3: " Fair Harvard! we join in thy jubilant throng,

And with blessings surrender thee...." something, something, something.

Me: Hello? Just tell me when you guys have finished your self-aggrandizing blather so that I can continue my story here! (I mean, jeepers creepers, guys!)








But like I says, I've been fixed -- er, upgraded.



Yes, I'm the new Johnny Appleseed Version 10.1.0. The upgrade went smoothly. Mind you, you must be on your best behavior from now on when you're in my vicinity, because I am no longer compatible with the world's puerile displays of calumny and envy. (Hey, if you don't believe me, click on my "readme.text" file and you'll see it there in black and white!)