Loonies in the Boonies

gulp!

Afraid you might be sharing office space with a psychopathic killer? Show them that you're hip to their violent vibe and that you, for one, refuse to go gently into any supposititious good night! Pardon you for being old-fashioned, but you'll let the legitimate board-certified grim reaper settle your hash when the time comes, and not one minute before! In short, purchase this mouse pad, folks, and tell that spooky and eternally hovering nutcase in that office of yours to (and I quote...) Stab THIS!!!

Apparently, Lord Byron had a run-in with a psycho killer, judging by this recently discovered ditty. Like the poet's infamous age-bashing lyrics of the year before ('what care I for the wreaths that can only bring glory', et cetera...) the following lines were also written 'on the road, between Florence and Pisa' -- the difference being that in this case, George appears to have been 'hauling arse' at the time of composition, at least if we're to believe the apparently panic-inspired note to that affect that the firebrand himself indited in the margins of this newly unearthed curio.

We're here today with Professor Larry Longshot of the Spooky Films Division of the Motion Picture Institute of America. First of all, Professor, who is this Bryan Bertino person, anyway?



Well, he's that rare success that every writer hopes to become upon arriving in Hollywood with the proverbial suitcase full of dreams. For I must tell you, Jim: Just two years ago, this Bryan Bertino person, as you call him, was a 26-year-old Texan who was performing, shall we say, "less than gripping" work as a gaffer on a Hollywood movie set.



Less than gripping work as a gaffer, huh? That's a good one.



One does one's best, Jim.



I'm told he was essentially an electrician, right?



True enough.



So then he "scored" right away with a script?



Pretty much so. It was his fourth script, actually, that hit pay dirt.



I see.



And then he trained for a couple years with that old pal of mine, producer Jerry Bruckheimer of "Black Hawk Down" and "Armageddon" fame.



An old pal of yours?



Jerry and me? Are you kidding? We go way back.



But how did Bertino cinch the director's job on the "Strangers" flick?



Aha! That's where my old buddy Andrew Rona comes in. You know Andy, of course, from Rogue Pictures? You know: of "Scary Movie 3" and "Scream 3" fame?



I can't say that I do know him -- Indeed, I'm even tempted to say that YOU don't know him.



Ha! Very funny, Jim. No, seriously: my old pal Andy not only liked the script, but he liked Bertino as well, as subsequent events were to prove.



Indeed?



Well, good old Andy up and asked Bryan Bertino to direct his own film!



Interesting. But wasn't the script for "The Strangers" originally entered in some contest or other?



Oh, that's right. It apparently was a serious contender for a so-called Nicholl Fellowship from the Academy.



I see.



Anyway, the script didn't actually win the $30,000 prize money being offered, but it was certainly in the running, and thereby came to the notice of a manager at (I believe it was) Vertigo Entertainment.



And?



And before you could say "Is Tamara home?" Bertino had sold the script for six figures.



So Bertino was on his way.



Mind you, there was some luck involved, too, at least when it comes to Bertino directing.



How so?



Well, the erstwhile gaffer might have never directed the film if writer-director Mark Romanek (of "One Hour Photo" fame -- another friend of mine from school days) had been a little more conservative in his own budget demands for directing it himself.



So Mark was offered the director's job?



That he was, Jim, me lad.



I see.



But, Mark blew it, because he insisted up front on a minimum $40 million budget. Can you believe it?



Wow! One can see why this Andrew Rona person might have offered the job to Bryan after all.



Indeed.



Finally, Professor, can you tell us a little bit more about the film? Where was it shot, for instance?



Believe it or not, Jim, the film was shot down in a remote area of South Carolina -- which is odd considering how improbable that makes the snowy backdrop in the movie. But then I suppose you could say that the mayhem took place on "a cold day in hell," as they say?



And what are the critics saying?



Well, my good friend Dennis Harvey at Variety says, and I quote: "

an

effectively stripped-down thriller ... should court correspondingly more robust patronage from mainstream fright fans ..."



Do any other reviews come to mind?



Let me see. There was another colleague of mine in L.A. who was bullish on Bertino.



Oh?



Yes, I believe it was the lovely Jessica Reaves of the Los Angels Times who said: "First-time writer-director Bryan Bertino's taut, spare thriller is plenty scary."



I see. But didn't someone at USA Today pan the movie?



Oh, yes, you're talking about that infamous so-called "review" by Claudia Puig.



Another close friend of yours?



Don't be silly, Jim. I don't know EVERYBODY in the business, after all.



But what did she write about the movie?



You won't believe this, but she actually wrote, and I actually quote: "The whole enterprise is pretty tedious, starting off so slowly...that you almost long for something terrifying to happen just to keep you awake." I have to say, Jim, that I have seldom disagreed more wholeheartedly with a reviewer's statement in my life! It really makes me wonder what movie she saw. Certainly it wasn't the movie that had me grinding my teeth to nubs in almost constant anticipation of the next unpredictable shock.



I see.



If you ask me, Claudia must be a real bruiser of a truck-driving steelworker to be so impervious to fear.



Yes.



Imagine, though, if somebody like Claudia were to face the psychopaths in this movie -- I think the lunatics would be quite crestfallen to encounter a woman who finds their entire act so unconvincing. Here they are, skittering around the house and wearing evocative masks and asking eerily ambiguous questions, all in an effort to freak their victims out -- only to be humiliated by the improbable sangfroid of this Claudia person, who not only doesn't fear them, but actually finds them "tedious," if you please. It's enough to make a psychopath turn their kitchen knives into plowshares.



Ladies and gentlemen, how about a quick round of apple sauce for Professor Larry Longshot of the Spooky Films Division of the Motion Picture Institute of America, a man who seems to know everybody in -- and even out -- of Hollywood.



One gets around, Jim. One gets around.



Well, at least you don't claim to be on a first name basis with Bryan Bertino himself!



What, old Bry-boy, you mean?!



Oh, here we go.



I wasn't going to say anything for fear of bragging, but since you mention it yourself, Jim....