Welcome to 'Zee Last Restaurant Standing.'
Good morning.
Good morning, chef! You know, venn I was young... vee vere very poor. But my mo-THER taught us how to find little, how you say, tortue in zee creek out back in zee jardin. 
softly, as if by way of clarification: Oh, turtles, yes. Oui, yes, turtles, yes. And we would bring zee turtles in -- I couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 at zee time... And she would plass ( place ) them in a 55-gallon drum of fresh vater for, I zink, seven days or so in order to... how you say, clean out zee system... of the tortue... And then finally, she would call us all into zee kitchen... "Viens, petit Ray-Ray," she would zay, "Vien, mon enfant!" ... Bon, she would lift zee tortue from the drum of the vater ....and then she would chop off zee head, just like that! She then placed zee tortue on its back, how do you say, to let it 'bleed out', so to say, for about 30 minutes or zo... ...remove zee front legs, twisting and breaking zee various leg joints, repeat with zee back legs...
She's fine, chef. (Buck up, Paula: you're going to ruin our chances for winning this contest!) and then she would place zee remainder in ice vater, add some flour, a little salt and pepper, some sherry, and garnish with sliced egg-- and... ooh, I tell you people, honestly...She'll be fine, chef. She's just a little squeamish but she'll get over it. I hope zo, Pete-ER... Bon, good luck, bonne chance. Have a great veek-end, and we vill see you Monday to see how you succeeded in making zee turtle soup recipe of my chere maman. Good morning to all of you. Good morning. Claire and Albert... How did it go?
Well, we couldn't actually find any wild turtles in Devonshire, chef. 
Yes! Do you know, Claire and Albert, zat I would not be here right now to talk to you today if I had not readily located vild turtles in my childhood? Well -- Because then I and my nine brothers and sisters vould have starve-ed to death! Starve-ed to death?
But, come on, chef: It's 21st-century England: Where are we supposed to find wild turtles?! Very well: What did you use instead?We cooked up some minced chicken and passed it off as a turtle pate. You understand, Claire and Albert, that what you did is highly illegal in England. But -- You realize, Claire and Albert, that I have closed zee restaurants of other contestants for less serious faults than yours? Bon, go in zee greenroom and stew in your own videotaped juice vile I decide vaht to do with the two of you. Yes, chef. Allons-y. You may go now. Thank you, chef. Shut it, Albert: That's not gonna help! Now then, James and Caroline...
Oh, dear. Zarah, what did you zink about the meal? I believe it was turtle soup?
Well, the good news is, it was definitely turtle soup and not chicken soup. Bon, very good. So they found their turtle in the English countryside as requested? Not quite. Oh? The soup had a definite store-bought taste to it. Caroline and James, did you buy dis turtle zoup at a shop of some zort?
At Tesco's, I'm afraid, your honor. But only after searching the entire Cotswolds for turtles. Yes, chef. Pardon me, but I must zay that this is very disappointing. You are showing very little respect for myself -- or for my mo-THER, for that matter, and her quaint recipes -- venn you buy your turtle soup at Tesco's.Oh, come on, chef: Who can find wild animals in the English countryside these days? Indeed, who can even find the English countryside these days, thanks to urban sprawl?! Do you know, James, zat there are even Bactrian camels in the Cotswolds?Really? With all due respect, Chef, I think you're thinking of the endangered camels that they recently acquired in the Cotswold Wildlife Park in Oxfordshire. And now I hear nothing but excuses. Bon, I have some tough decisions to make about the two of you, do you know that? Caroline and James, you may now join the recently humiliated Claire and Albert in the debriefing room to reflect upon your own ignominy.Chef, we really tried! You may go now. But, chef -- Thank you, bye-bye.Chef, please! Oh, come on, chef! Oh, come on, honey, let's just go!Oh, rats! Wild turtles, my #$!@$! Finally, Paula and Ryan. Yes, chef! It is now my turn to speak to you two between another series of long and increasingly irritating pauses. Yes, chef! Venn we last met, I noticed that your cook, Paula, seemed (how shall I zay) a little squeamish about cooking zee turtle.She got over that, chef. I hope so, because I am going to open a restaurant with zee winner of this program, and zat restaurant will not only serve cute little turtles for dinner, but it will also serve precious little bunny rabbits...
and adorable little lambkins... Oooh! And, of course, cute little venison -- how you zay, Bambi?I'm working with her to toughen her up, Chef. Oh, really? And how are you doing that?I've been reading her relevant passages in Nietzsche and Socrates dealing with the ultimate counterproductivity of pity. And still no results?She's coming along, Chef. Yesterday, she even cut someone off on the M1 when we were heading home from our restaurant in Northampton. Have you read her any Thomas Hobbes, regarding the primal brutishness of the so-called 'state of nature'?Good idea, chef: I'll try it. Thomas who?I did arrange to have her iPod temporarily 'stolen' from her in the hopes that Paula would emerge from the incident with a touch more cynicism than usual. So it was YOU who stole my iPod?!Relax, Paula: I've got it right here. It's only been gone for 24 hours! Sheesh! Besides, I only stole it for your own good! Paula, I am disappointed that you still react so negatively to the idea of killing and then cooking cute little innocent creatures... particularly after Ryan has worked so hard to disabuse you of your philosophically baseless pieties in this regard. I beg your pardon? Only a committed restaurateur would go to the trouble of stealing his partner's iPod to make a point like this. Yes, Chef. Ryan, I hate to zay this, but you may have to take Paula to an abattoir to remind her where her 'amburgers come from. Now then, I had another professional taster at YOUR restaurant last night. 
Surprisingly enough, the meal was not bad. And did they use REAL turtle, caught in the English countryside?Apparently so. Aha! Where did you find your turtle, Ryan?In the Chester Zoo, your honor. Are you telling me that you stole a turtle from the Chester Zoo? Your honor, we were planning to replace it as soon as we had time. Ryan, Paula: You cannot cook a turtle from the Chester Zoo. Never mind Paula, Chef. I hear what you're telling us. At least someone does. Ryan, Paula, I have some grave apprehensions about your culinary skills... Not to mention your common sense, at least in the case of Paula here. Nevertheless, you have done my mo-THER proud today by cooking an actual cute little turtle You may go now to commiserate with the four previously dismissed wretches in the greenroom. Thank you, chef!Thank you! You won't regret this, chef!Quiet, Paula, we haven't won anything yet! I just mean that he won't regret the favorable decision that he now appears ready to make on our behalf.He's not going to make any favorable decision on our behalf if you keep yammering away like that. Oh, shut up, Ryan: I'm still mad at you for stealing my iPod!We're back at Raymond Le Bland's hoity-toity 'manoir,' (er, le Chateau Bland, I mean!) where our three couples wait anxiously to learn which of them will be sent home today for being lousy cooks who can't be bothered to follow a few simple (if highly accented) directions. Bon, Paula and Ryan... James and Caroline... Claire and Albert... Ziss is a very tough decision for me... and I must warn you up front that I can only make such a grave decision after taking yet another seemingly endless series of my exasperating but trademark pauses. Paula and Ryan... Give me one good reason why I shouldn't close your restaurant and send you home today. Chef, we want this more than anything in our lives. We've mortgaged our home in Chelsea on the theory that we're going to win this thing, so that we'll have the cash necessary to relocate to London when we finally open up a restaurant with you, the great chef Raymond Le Bland! James and Caroline... Why should I not close your restaurant this week? Chef, we, too, want this more than anything in our lives -- only more so.That's right: to the point that we feel that there will be nothing left to live for if you turn us down. We're not suggesting, of course, that you'd be responsible for our instantaneous suicides if your decision went against us -- If nothing else, our religious scruples will ensure that we live on for many trying and no-doubt impoverished years to come, even after receiving such a killer blow to our (as 'twere) existential gut ...but only as mere husks of our former selves, Chef Le Bland, only as mere shadows, mere shells of our former selves. Indeed. And finally, Claire and Albert: Why should I not close your restaurant? Oh, but you SHOULD close our restaurant, chef: You SHOULD! I beg zee pardons? We admit that we're unworthy as chefs and prospective restaurateurs.I think what Claire is trying to say, Chef Le Bland, is that you SHOULD keep our restaurant open because we are the only couple on this program who has the humble self-insight to realize that they are, in fact, unworthy of such beneficence on your part. Bon, Paula and Ryan... James and Caroline... Claire and Albert... I must now make zee very difficult decision about which couple to send home today. Unfortunately, I must continue, in going forward, to insert those irritating pauses between each phrase that I utter, lest this episode of 'Zee Last Restaurant Standing' should fall short of the necessary total run time for airing on BBC America. Bon, contestants Paula and Ryan... you are... coming back next veek. Yes! You may go. Wahoo!That's what I'm talkin' about now! I must kick you off zee show! I am sorry. Ohh! Claire and Albert, Ryan and Paula: you will be back next veek for another episode of Zee Last Restaurant Standing. Not fair! Au revoir.I'm going to look this up in the law books: I don't think it's even legal in England for a chef to capture his own turtle and then cook it like that. Come on, Honey: We'll show him: We'll sign up for "The F Word" with a REAL chef like Gordon Ramsay!Yeah, so there! Oh, mon dieu! Securitay! Securitay!
