Good morning. As you know, I recently attended the movie called "The Eye" at the AMC theater in Alexandria, Virginia. The movie is a horror film starring Jessica Alba as a blind violinist whose sight is restored thanks to the implant of a set of healthy replacement orbs from an anonymous postmortem donor. The operation appears to be an unqualified success until Jessica's character, Sydney, REALLY starts "seeing things" in the most pejorative sense of that phrase. Of course, I cannot disclose the precise nature of these visions lest I spoil the movie for those who have yet to see it; but rest assured that the phantasms in question gave the musician (and the audience) a textbook case of the heebie-jeebies. Of course, it isn't long before Sydney suspects a connection between her new sight organs and her strange hallucinations, but her patronizing eye consultant (played by Alessandro Nivola) immediately pooh-poohs the idea and says that the musician merely needs more time to mentally adjust to all the new visual stimuli around her -- after all, she's been blind since, what, age 5? I mean, come on. (Or rather the eye consultant meant come on!) Of course, Sydney is understandably ticked at the specialist's smug incredulity (the condescending oaf!), but let him believe what he wants to: as far as Sydney is concerned, there's only one important question now, to wit:
"Jeepers, creepers, where did they get my peepers!"
Get it? Ha ha! Pretty good line, eh, folks? "Jeepers, creepers, where did they... get my..." Ahem...
Because, you see, the provenance of those orbs had suddenly become so problematic.
"Jeepers, creepers..."
Oh, never mind. (I TOLD my press secretary not to schedule these press conferences for early morning like this: It's obvious that you reporters are still asleep in light of your truly moribund reaction to my bon mots! Mumble mumble....)
Actually, I thought the movie could have made a great comedy: I was just waiting for Jessica to stalk back into Dr. Haskins' office after the surgery went awry and shout: "Successful transplant, my eye!"
Get it? My...eye?
Oops. Heads up in the back of the auditorium: I think somebody just dropped a pin back there.
Anywhoo...
I will now answer any questions that you have about the new movie entitled "The Eye" -- although I remind you, that I can neither confirm nor deny any further plot details for fear of spoiling the movie for others.
Various reporters: Mister Moviegoer! Mister Moviegoer!
Yes, Sam.
Good morning, Sir.
Good morning, Sam.
Sir, aren't you afraid that you may have already spilled too many beans by referring, if only in general terms, to the fact that the main character of this movie sees scary things through another person's eyes?
Nonsense, Sam. I've told you guys no more than the facts that are implicit in the movie's tagline, with which Lionsgate has presumably been plugging the picture for weeks, if not months, now.
And what is the tagline for the movie "The Eye," Mr. Moviegoer?
Uh, I believe it is, um: "How can you believe your eyes when they're not yours?" Next question. Sally?
Sir, the Internet Movie Database is reporting this morning that the role of Sydney Wells was originally to have been played by Renee Zellweger. Can you comment on that?
This is the first that I've heard of it.
Various reporters: Mister Moviegoer! Mister Moviegoer!
Yes? Over here, in the corner.
Good morning, sir. Max Plank from the Daily Pipsqueak. What about those reports that "The Eye" is a remake of a Chinese film?
Yes, I can confirm that: "The Eye" is a remake of a relatively recent Hong Kong film entitled "Jian Gui."
And who wrote that screenplay, Sir?
What, for the Hong Kong version?
Yes, Sir.
I believe it was a certain Jo Jo Yuet-chun Hui.
Mr. Moviegoer! Mr. Moviegoer!
Yes, Ma'am.
I thought Sebastian Gutierrez wrote the screenplay, sir.
Yes, he did -- for the English version of the film. (Do try to pay attention, people.)
Mr. Moviegoer! Mr. Moviegoer?
Sir?
Sir, can you discuss the subplot involving Sydney's sister, Helen?
What do you want to know? That sister was played by Parker Posey, I believe.
Yes, but isn't it true that this sister was in some sense responsible for Sydney's blindness in the first place?
No comment. Yes, ma'am.
Paula Messerschimdt from the journal Science.
The journal
Science? What are you doing here at a press conference about a horror film?
Well, sir, the film's underlying premise hangs its coat on the peg of a scientific theory about the ability of the body to store emotional memories in places outside of the brain.
Yes, I believe you're referring to cellular memory.
Precisely.
What of it?
Sir, what do you think of that premise? Does it pass muster with you?
Well, I'd probably have to refer you to the Scientist of the United States of America -- as I am merely the Moviegoer of that great republic.
Still, you must have some opinion on the matter.
Well, I think it's established science now that the mind and body communicate through certain memory-containing chemicals known as peptides.
Yes?
And that these peptides are located not merely in our brains but in our muscles and organs...
Meaning?
Meaning that memory, to quote one influential Georgetown professor on the subject, "can be accessed anywhere in the peptide/receptor network."
Yeah? So what?
SOOO.... a memory from one person's organs could at least theoretically be passed on to another person through an organ transplant.
Oh, I see. And for the record, sir: who is this Georgetown professor that you mentioned?
Oh, I don't know, Paula. Jeez... Candace something. Candace Pert, I believe her name was. Yes, that's it: Candace Pert. I believe her forte is pharmacology.
Mister Moviegoer! Mister Moviegoer!
I only have time for one final question about the new movie entitled "The Eye." Yes, you, sir.
Jim Beam from the two-story house up the street at the corner of Trumbull and Riverton -- the house with the old crooked antenna on the roof. Sir, what about the goofy little kid in the movie who keeps saying, "Have you seen my report card? Have you seen my report card?"
What about him?
Well, wasn't he real spooky?! Heh heh!
I can neither confirm nor deny that the child in question was "spooky." Honestly, Jim, do you want to give away the entire movie!
I'm sorry, that's all the time we have time for.
Mister Moviegoer! Mister Moviegoer!
No, sorry: no more questions!
