Stand by for pantomime kiss in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
Is There Love on Mars?
Two top-notch astronauts set out on a secret mission to find out
Chapter I: Touchdown
Sally
Wake up, Pogo, we've landed.Pogo
What? Who? Oh, Sally! Have we finally landed! That was the longest trip to Mars I have ever taken!Sally
Stop yammering, and suit up: We've got to explore the planet.Pogo
Right you are, Captain, My Captain.Sally
Double time, Pogo. We only have two hours until perihelion.Pogo
Of course: Two hours until perihelion!Sally
Exactly.Pogo
Uh, what's perihelion again?Sally
Oh, Pogo!Pogo
No, I know it -- it's something to do with the sun, right?Sally
It's a planet's closest point to the sun while in orbit.Pogo
See? I knew that. Say... have you seen my helmet?Sally
You're wearing it, dufus. Now button your vest thingie... I'm about to open the hatch.Pogo
My vest thingie? Sally
Well, at least I know what perihelion means.Pogo
Point taken -- point taken and swished around in one's mouth like mouthwash. Point then spat out in disgust.Sally
Point then picked up off the floor again by yours truly and rammed down your throat if you don't shut up. Now get ready: I'm opening the hatch on 3:Pogo
1, 2, 3.... WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Ow! Oh! Oooh!
Sally
What's wrong?Pogo
Nothing: That loud "whoosh" noise just spooked me, that's all.Sally
Pogo! You should never have become an astronaut if you can't handle a few loud "whoosh" noises. Now follow me down these steps -- remember, there's three of them so be careful!Pogo
After you, my dear Sally. Oh, this is swell. I haven't been on the surface of Mars in years! Sally
Okay, I'm down, Pogo. Now back down slowly: Remember to count the steps.Pogo
Right, one-a-penny, two-a-penny...Sally
Oh, why can't you just count like any normal human being?Pogo
And down -- WHOA! Have no fear, Pogo is here.Sally
Can it, would ya? This is a serious mission. Pogo
Yeah, what is this mission, anyway? It seemed pretty hush-hush back at the space station.Sally
Well, I guess I should tell you now. Pogo
You know what, Sally? After mature deliberation on my part, I find that I am in total agreement with that last sentiment of yours: In fact, you should have told me yesterday, when it comes to that.Sally
Promise you won't laugh?Pogo
What do you mean?Sally
Well, NASA wants us to find out if there is...Pogo
Yes? Yes?Sally
If there is...Pogo
Say it: They want us to look for life on Mars, right?Sally
Not exactly, no.Pogo
What?Sally
They want us to look for (and I still can't believe it myself)... They want us to look for...Pogo
Yes?Sally
Well, Love.Pogo
What? Well, this is a new one, Sally: You've always been the straight man in these missions: Now here you are making with the jokes.Sally
I'm not joking: They want us to see if it's, well, possible to fall in love on Mars.Pogo
Ha ha! Very funny, Sally: now what's our real mission?Sally
Believe you me, I wish I were joking.Pogo
How can this be? A stodgy old bureaucracy like NASA....Sally
You forget that that "stodgy old bureaucracy," as you call it, has been superfunded for the last 100 years, ever since the appearance of that so-called "Death Comet" that was supposed to destroy the Earth in 2207, but ended up missing us by light-years.Pogo
So?Sally
So? NASA has money to burn these days, so they're able to satisfy any space-related research whim that comes into the head of any Ph.D. Ivy Leaguer, never minded how off the wall the project in question.Pogo
Well, nothing personal, Sally, but you are not exactly My Favorite Martian, so...Sally
Nor you I.Pogo
What?Sally
I mean the feeling is mutual -- but I think that's the whole point.Pogo
What do you mean?Sally
Well, NASA wants us to quote-unquote "explore" for a few days -- or at least make a show of exploring, to give us a plausible cover for being here so they don't have to explain the real reason to Congress.Pogo
Yes?Sally
And then...Pogo
And then?Sally
Well, apparently, we're to see if any fires are lit in, as it were, either of our....Pogo
Hearts?Sally
Yes. Or whatever.Pogo
Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do. One studies their whole life to be an astronaut, and when they finally set foot on Mars, their research mission has been countermanded by the Kinsey Institute.DA-DA-DUMMM!!!
Will Sally and Pogo find Love on Mars? If so, will the love be lasting? Find out on the next exciting episode of "Is There Love on Mars?"
c.2010 Brian Quass, Alexandria, VA USA