And it's another fine day in Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
And what about the Well, I don't know, Howard. I imagine -- Are they smart enough to take a Well, I -- I suppose, if they really wanted to... Take me to the Yes, ahem, well, be that as it may... we zoom in on the little post office in town, where Mayor Goodman is talking to Prissy Haggart -- Ooh, Prissy Haggart: Is she a Uh, no, Howard, actually, she's the postmaster, believe it or not. Postmistress, don't ya mean, Gary? (Tee-hee!) Well -- Ah, so you admit it: She's your mistress, isn't she, Gary, you sly dog! You heard it first here on PBS, folks. (Tee-hee!) Don't even go there, Howard! Can she No, Howard, surprisingly enough, she can't Hey, watch your language, Gar! Yes, Robin, get him some soap: Then after he's taken a much-needed shower, we can get back to the program. Uh-oh! I think Gary just made a 'funny,' Robin. Did you notice it?
It was a little bit on the small side, wasn't it? How many times has Gary heard THAT before? All right, all right, cut, cut! Margaret, I'm just not feeling this somehow. Where have I heard THAT before? Remind me again: Why did we invite Howard Stern on to Prairie Home Companion?
Sorry, Gar, but it's pledge week on PBS, and the network suits thought we could attract a huge audience by appealing to two highly divergent markets at once. "Highly divergent"? "Mutually exclusive" is more like it. Well, now -- As in, "when worlds collide," Margaret. I mean, how can I casually broach my customary folksy anecdotes with this eternal 13-year-old juvenile delinquent as my sidekick? Hmm, sounds like Look, I've had about enough of you! Where have I heard that before? And stop saying that! Where have I heard THAT before? Right, that does it. Guys, guys, please. I know this is not easy, but let's try to get through this one pledge-event show, okay? You heard the lady, Keillor. Stop being such a Enough. Well, what are you waiting for? I'm ready when you are? You're the one that keeps acting like a Okay, on 3. 1, 2, 3... And now we look in on the little post office, where Mayor Goodman... Where Mayor Goodman has just finished reciting the Gettysburg Address in his Right, that's it: I quit. Oh, good. I've always wanted to be the star of Prairie Home Companion. Garrison, please! Let him go, already. He's not the only dude who can be folksy. But -- Check this out: And it's another fine day in Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average. Amazing. You actually said it correctly, Howard! I did? Oh, I'm sorry about that: I meant to say that the children are all smug You know something? Surprise me, darling. Garrison is right: This isn't working. Hey, where are you going? Turn out the lights when you leave the theater, please? Robin, stop that woman, would you? Hey, that's more than my job is worth: She looks like a real bruiser to me, Howard. Aw, you can take her any day -- I'll tell you what, why don't you two broads mud-wrestle in the construction zone across the street? What? My flunkies here will bring some pails of water. Oh! That's right, and Jill will come tumbling after, too, right, Jill? (Where is Jilly, anyway? Didn't she come with us to this Godforsaken hole they call a theater?) Now, now: let's play fair. On second thought, give me the Sexual Harassment hotline at PBS! (Feel free to join me, Robin: we can make it a class action suit.) Robin, don't you dare! You know, Howard, it has been some time since I've had a raise -- Sounds like blackmail to me. Suit yourself, Howard. Hoisted by my own pet retard. Right, that's it: Sign me up, Margaret. This jerk is going DOWN! (Pet retard, indeed!)