On your marks, get set... and BOOK IT, MR. T!!!!
Fast Times at Jurassic High
Comedian brings us up to speed on the newly discovered running skills of T-Rex
Including arch literary references to the perhaps somewhat loosely related theme of nuclear weapons in Iran
Well, my life is never going to be the same!
Incidentally, Happy Hour is over in 10 minutes, gang, so drink up, yes? My name is Harry Blinko, and I'll be here through Tuesday (more's the pity...) WHAT? Who said that?
Now then, where was I?
Oh, yes: My life is never going to be the same.
Well, go on, ask me why not! (Jeepers!)
Man in audience: Why not?!
(Thank you, sir.) Because I just found out that the supposedly lead-footed Tyrannosaurus Rex could run as fast as 18 miles an hour.
Well, what can I say? It's a slow news day, and that was the most comically promising story that I could find online this morning at WTOPNEWS.com.
I suppose I could have always led off with the news about Iran announcing its development of a new "smart bomb," but you know what? Even a self-confessed "comic genius" such as myself wasn't entirely certain where I was going to "go with that."
Smart bomb, indeed. Here's a smart bomb, ladies and gentlemen. Listen closely and you can hear it thinking out loud:
"Let's see, now, I've just been aimed at a bunch of innocent civilians. THAT can't be right. 'Smart Bomb' to tower: There must be some mistake. Returning to base for clarification. Over."
Smart bomb, indeed. If only there WERE a smart bomb, right? If only they ALL were smart: We could take a real bite out of wholesale violence. (Throw in a few smart BULLETS on the retail side and then civilization would REALLY be getting somewhere.)
18 miles an hour, can you believe it? My grade school science teachers have a lot to answer for. I'll be dashed if they didn't constantly fill my impressionable young head with visions of T.-Rex as a hapless lead-foot, forever being hassled by small- and medium-sized critters against whom the towering carnivore could never exact the appropriate vengeance because it could never quite catch up with them.
The odd thing is that this AP news story, despite its exclusively prehistoric headline ("Study: T-Rex Could Run Up to 18 Mph"), featured the seemingly unrelated photograph of celebrity British footballer David Beckham jogging around a London track. Is that confusing or what? I initially assumed that a programming glitch had incorrectly brought these two seemingly disparate elements into juxtaposition on the WTOP web site, until a little actual READING on my part told me that article author D'arcy Doran was seeking to contrast the reptile's speed with that of the pictured sports star -- which, in itself, was a good idea, of course, since (let's face it) 18 miles an hour sounds like small potatoes until one realizes that even the Transatlantic Twinkletoes himself couldn't run that fast.
Mind you, T. rex was the slowest of the five flesh-eating dinosaurs mentioned in the study to which this article refers (a Royal Society study by a team of no-doubt delightful eggheads at the University of Manchester in.... in.... oh, I forget where it's located. Oxford, perhaps?)
This creature called Compsognathus could apparently reach speeds of 40 miles an hour "on the highway," so to speak (that is to say on open stretches where swamps, giant tree ferns and vine-shrouded conifers didn't cramp their athletic style).
Even the Velociraptor of Jurassic Park fame could manage 24 miles an hour under ideal conditions (though I imagine he could only do so on a "full tank" of freshly eaten brontosaur: hey, I'm no Manchester scientist, but logic is logic, right? Give me a little credit here. I mean, I don't begrudge the Royal Society their scientific genius: I trust that they won't begrudge ME my common sense!)
It's just occurred to me, by the way: It's probably in London (the University of Manchester, I mean). It stands to reason, London being such a big and well-known place.
Oh, great: Now my very own audience is going to begrudge me my common sense. Easy does it, or I'm going to take my toys and go home!
Of course, my heart goes out to these Manchester scientists WHEREVER they may be located, because like I always say, it must be difficult specializing in the study of dinosaurs as an actual adult professional.
Think about it: You go into a library to perform some supplemental research, right, and you key in the term "Dinosaur" in the card catalog. $9 will get you $10 that every single entry that comes up will be for CHILDREN (or, increasingly, for creationists seeking religiously correct timelines for ancient biological events):
Worse yet, you may actually find some useful information in one of these books. Then when you include that factual nugget in some research paper, you'll have to embarrass yourself by citing the juvenile source at the end of your work, right in the middle of a list of your far more austere acknowledgments:
Listen, you've been an... an... Well, you've been an audience, I'll give you that.
You know, I'm beginning to think I should have led off with the "smart bomb" story after all.
Then again, in a world full of so-called "smart" bombs, we humans had better learn all we can about the prehistoric era -- since that's the era we're going to find ourselves bombed back to if we're not very careful, indeed.
Still, I like the idea of a REAL smart bomb. I can hear it now:
"Bless my soul, they've apparently inadvertently sent me to blow up civilians, again. This is their second such mistake in a week. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to know that such instructions don't make a lick of sense. Can you imagine? Blowing up innocent civilians? I'd better go back to headquarters at once and find out what my REAL target is supposed to be! My life upon it, they should be more careful from now on when they're programming me! Someone could get hurt!"
Incidentally, Happy Hour is over in 10 minutes, gang, so drink up, yes? My name is Harry Blinko, and I'll be here through Tuesday (more's the pity...) WHAT? Who said that?
Now then, where was I?
Oh, yes: My life is never going to be the same.
Anticipatory silence
Well, go on, ask me why not! (Jeepers!)
Man in audience: Why not?!
(Thank you, sir.) Because I just found out that the supposedly lead-footed Tyrannosaurus Rex could run as fast as 18 miles an hour.
Silence (neither anticipatory nor otherwise)
Well, what can I say? It's a slow news day, and that was the most comically promising story that I could find online this morning at WTOPNEWS.com.
Boo!
I suppose I could have always led off with the news about Iran announcing its development of a new "smart bomb," but you know what? Even a self-confessed "comic genius" such as myself wasn't entirely certain where I was going to "go with that."
Smart bomb, indeed. Here's a smart bomb, ladies and gentlemen. Listen closely and you can hear it thinking out loud:
"Let's see, now, I've just been aimed at a bunch of innocent civilians. THAT can't be right. 'Smart Bomb' to tower: There must be some mistake. Returning to base for clarification. Over."
Smart bomb, indeed. If only there WERE a smart bomb, right? If only they ALL were smart: We could take a real bite out of wholesale violence. (Throw in a few smart BULLETS on the retail side and then civilization would REALLY be getting somewhere.)
Scattered smattering of smattered and scattering, middling and piddling (nay, niggling and piggling) applause
18 miles an hour, can you believe it? My grade school science teachers have a lot to answer for. I'll be dashed if they didn't constantly fill my impressionable young head with visions of T.-Rex as a hapless lead-foot, forever being hassled by small- and medium-sized critters against whom the towering carnivore could never exact the appropriate vengeance because it could never quite catch up with them.
The odd thing is that this AP news story, despite its exclusively prehistoric headline ("Study: T-Rex Could Run Up to 18 Mph"), featured the seemingly unrelated photograph of celebrity British footballer David Beckham jogging around a London track. Is that confusing or what? I initially assumed that a programming glitch had incorrectly brought these two seemingly disparate elements into juxtaposition on the WTOP web site, until a little actual READING on my part told me that article author D'arcy Doran was seeking to contrast the reptile's speed with that of the pictured sports star -- which, in itself, was a good idea, of course, since (let's face it) 18 miles an hour sounds like small potatoes until one realizes that even the Transatlantic Twinkletoes himself couldn't run that fast.
Mind you, T. rex was the slowest of the five flesh-eating dinosaurs mentioned in the study to which this article refers (a Royal Society study by a team of no-doubt delightful eggheads at the University of Manchester in.... in.... oh, I forget where it's located. Oxford, perhaps?)
This creature called Compsognathus could apparently reach speeds of 40 miles an hour "on the highway," so to speak (that is to say on open stretches where swamps, giant tree ferns and vine-shrouded conifers didn't cramp their athletic style).
Even the Velociraptor of Jurassic Park fame could manage 24 miles an hour under ideal conditions (though I imagine he could only do so on a "full tank" of freshly eaten brontosaur: hey, I'm no Manchester scientist, but logic is logic, right? Give me a little credit here. I mean, I don't begrudge the Royal Society their scientific genius: I trust that they won't begrudge ME my common sense!)
It's just occurred to me, by the way: It's probably in London (the University of Manchester, I mean). It stands to reason, London being such a big and well-known place.
Boo!
Oh, great: Now my very own audience is going to begrudge me my common sense. Easy does it, or I'm going to take my toys and go home!
Of course, my heart goes out to these Manchester scientists WHEREVER they may be located, because like I always say, it must be difficult specializing in the study of dinosaurs as an actual adult professional.
Think about it: You go into a library to perform some supplemental research, right, and you key in the term "Dinosaur" in the card catalog. $9 will get you $10 that every single entry that comes up will be for CHILDREN (or, increasingly, for creationists seeking religiously correct timelines for ancient biological events):
CARD CATALOG SEARCH RESULTS
Topic: Dinosaur.
Titles:
"Susie and the Dinosaurs"
"Dinosaurs in the Kitchen"
"I Heard the Dinosaurs Snorting"
Worse yet, you may actually find some useful information in one of these books. Then when you include that factual nugget in some research paper, you'll have to embarrass yourself by citing the juvenile source at the end of your work, right in the middle of a list of your far more austere acknowledgments:
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Beaudoin, Alwynne B. 2005. Dictionary of Quaternary Acronyms. Auburn (WA): Lone Pine. 360 p.
Monastersky, R. Feathered Dionsaurs found in China. Trans Am Fish Soc 132(2):225-345.
Morlan, Richard E. Introduction to the Canadian Archaeological Radiocarbon Database. Canadian Museum of Civilization 233(b)-234.
Yolen, Jane. How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight? New York: HarperCollins Children's Books, June 1998.
Listen, you've been an... an... Well, you've been an audience, I'll give you that.
Sigh!
You know, I'm beginning to think I should have led off with the "smart bomb" story after all.
Then again, in a world full of so-called "smart" bombs, we humans had better learn all we can about the prehistoric era -- since that's the era we're going to find ourselves bombed back to if we're not very careful, indeed.
Still, I like the idea of a REAL smart bomb. I can hear it now:
"Bless my soul, they've apparently inadvertently sent me to blow up civilians, again. This is their second such mistake in a week. Fortunately, I'm smart enough to know that such instructions don't make a lick of sense. Can you imagine? Blowing up innocent civilians? I'd better go back to headquarters at once and find out what my REAL target is supposed to be! My life upon it, they should be more careful from now on when they're programming me! Someone could get hurt!"
c.2010 Brian Quass, Alexandria, VA USA