Today on Expanding the Rio Grande... Jan falls in love with an idea man -- but will Marge's ill-concealed jealousy nip the affair in the bud? Find out when Sarah Palin stars in Expanding the Rio Grande -- immediately following these eye- and (mind-) opening photographs proposing a cure for America's immigration problems, not to mention Mexico's economy!) 
Uh, Brian Quass. 
Occupation? Webmaster. Shoe size? What? Oh, I see. It says here that you have a, quote-unquote, 'big idea' for us? Yes. You see, I thought that -- Right. You see, I think we should build a sort of second Panama Canal along the southern border of the United States, thereby creating -- 
Just a minute, just a minute! Thereby creating a massive works project to employ Americans and Mexicans... ...thereby... creating... a... massive... works... project... Yes -- That's a wonderful idea! Well, I -- Marge, did you hear that? This guy wants to build a Panama Canal between the United States and Mexico! Well, sort of: You see, it would be more like a manmade mini-Riviera on both sides. Oh, I see! Dredged, of course, to accommodate all the monster-sized cargo ships that travel between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans these days. Oooh, let me kiss you! That is such a great idea! Madam, please! Oh, relax, I just gave you a little peck on the nose, cutie, that's all.
Stay back, Marge: the idea-smith you see before you is mine, all mine, right down to that cute little cowlick poking out so absurdly from his admittedly lustrous moptop. Yes, yes, Jan, but stop running your fingers through his admittedly ample hair so that he can explain himself. Just look how you've got the man blushing now! That's firebrick red, isn't it? Oh, I'm sorry, Brian, I know this is most unprofessional of us, but this is the first truly good idea we've received at this office in the four years since we were established by Congressional mandate in 2009 as the U.S. Department of Ideas (i.e., the D-O-I, pronounced 'Doy'). Doy? It's not an official pronunciation, of course, but unfortunately it's the one that seems to have stuck in the perhaps somewhat sophomoric minds of the U.S. public. Doy, huh? Now, please, give us more details of this fantastic idea of yours. Er, don't you want to take notes on your blue form? What? Oh, no, those forms are only going to get filed away God knows where. No, I am going to personally see that this idea of yours gets the attention of the president himself. Speaking of which, page Obama for me, would you, Marge? Obama, Jan? Oh, excuse me: President Obama! That's more like it. Now, then: Details. We need details. Word.
Where is this genius that Marge was telling me about on the intercom? He's over here, Mr. President! (Psst! Stand up, Brian, for heaven's sake: It's the President!) Oh, my! So, you must be the genius who came up with this suggestion for a manmade canal-like water feature to run from the Gulf of Mexico to the Pacific Ocean. Guilty as charged, your honor. Do you realize what you've done, Brian? Well, I -- You have just basically solved the immigration problem for the United States of America, insomuch as we can now turn our once porous and troubled southern border into a destination in and of itself for workers from both north and south -- Well, I -- ...and make the whole thing a tourist destination into the bargain, filled not just with cargo ships but with cruise liners. Well, thank you, Mr. President. You're too kind. hat's not lipstick on your nose, is it? (My goodness.) Oh, but if you'll forgive me, I've got to go reform health care now. 
Oh? Well, uh, good luck, then. And if you have any other ideas -- Now that you mention it, I actually have a whole list here of other ideas that I've been considering, including harnessing hurricanes and lightning strikes as a domestic power source. We'll take care of it, Sir. You just run along and reform health care now. Okay, great. And thanks again, Brian. I owe ya one. Well, I must say... What? Oh, Brian, I want to bear your children! You're a little late, Jan: I already have five children, and even I can't bear them. Oh, you! They're teenagers, you understand. Never mind, Jan, Brian: Just give me the list of your remaining ideas and I'll post them below, whether you marry me or not. You'll post them below what, Marge? Why, below this dialogue of ours, of course. (Silly!) Butt out, Marge. Alva Edison here is mine. Later, ladies. Oh, I'm just a sucker for 'idea men'! Yes, but there he goes. Oh, well... back to work. Let's see here now, who do we have next? Some dude named Pickens with some idea about wind power. Here he comes now. Just be seated, please, sir. And for starters, I'll need your name....
My name is T. Boone Pickens. T... Boone... and is that Pickens with two i's? No, it's P-i-c-k-e-n-s. Occupation? I'm basically an eco-friendly billionaire gadfly. How do you spell 'gadfly'? G-a-d-- Never mind, I've got it. And what might your 'big idea' be? You can tell me while Marge is passing me the form that I have to fill out. (One blue form, please, Marge!) Well, here's my idea... That's a wonderful idea! Uh-oh. Did you hear that, Jan? This guy wants to power the country with wind turbines in Texas! Oh, boy: Here we go again!