Webmaster Brian: Company Halt!
Webmaster pacing menacingly in front of cadets
Webmaster: Private Lil Wayne!
Lil Wayne: Yes, Sir, Webmaster, Sir!
Webmaster: Well, if it isn't the 'young Millie aire' who's (now let me see if I've got this right...) 'tougher than Nigerian hair'?
Lil Wayne: Yes, Sir, Webmaster, Sir!
Webmaster: Get down and give me 20 for racism, sexism, and inciting violence against police officers in the song 'Milli'.
Lil Wayne drops
Private smirking
Webmaster: Oh, so you find that funny, do you... Kanye West, is it?
Kanye West: Yes, Sir, Webmaster, Sir!
Webmaster: Well, suppose we just take a look at YOUR lyrics lately, huh, in, uh... that masterpiece that you recorded with Young Jeezy: What's it called? Oh, yes: "Put On."
Kanye West: Sir!
Webmaster: And I quote!
I feel like there's still n---s owe me checks,
I feel like there's still b---s owe me sex..."
Kanye West: Sir, I can explain, sir!
Webmaster: Oh, but you're GOING to explain, Private West! You're GOING to explain.
West: Sir?
Webmaster: I've taken the liberty of lining up a few grieving survivors of the gun battles that your irresponsible peons to nihilism implicitly celebrate and encourage.
West: But, Sir?
Webmaster: But me no buts, Kanye: I want you to walk over there and apologize personally to each and every one of them for perpetuating a climate a selfish despair that's destroying whole cities.
West: But, Sir?
Webmaster: Tell them that you're sorry and that you don't know what you could have been thinking to essentially advocate such a dead-end, selfish, and self-pitying lifestyle.
West: But --
Webmaster: Well, go on, tell them, Superstar!
West: Oh --
Webmaster: And apologize like you mean it, Kanye, or you'll do the whole exercise over again with a new batch of your inner-city victims until you get it right! And believe me, we've got more than enough victims to keep you here all night.
Kanye shuffles off
Webmaster: Oho! And what are YOU smirking at, Rocko?
Rocko: Nothing, sir!
Webmaster: I'm sure the lyrics that YOU sing are nothing like THAT, are they, Private!
Rocko: Sir, no, sir!
Webmaster: No, I'm sure your lyrics are all about goodness and light, aren't they Private Rocko? Let's just see here then, shall we.... Oh, yeah, here's the goodness and light that I must be thinking of -- in the song 'Hustle Fo':
My n--- we love to get dough (yea)
watcha think we hustlin' fo?"
Ah, now that's refreshing: Those lyrics illuminate the key motivating factors in the complex and multidimensional life of the rapper, don't they, Rocko?
Rocko: Sir, yes, Sir!
Webmaster: It seems (and I do quote) that they 'love to get dough.' Aww! I knew it was SOMETHING like that all along. I tell you, Private, you have just filed down that motivation to an itsy-bitsy little nub!
Rocko: Sir!
Webmaster: And unlike some of us here, I personally wouldn't think of following up that last comment of mine by some mean-spirited allusion to personal body parts!
Cadets sighing
Webmaster: Relax, Rocko, I'm going easy on you today: I just want you to do 20 laps while constantly reciting the following biblical phrase. You are into religion, aren't you, Rocko?
Rocko: Yes, Sir, Webmaster, Sir!
Webmaster: I thought so: Religion just sort of oozes out of your lyrics, doesn't it, Rocko?
Rappers snickering
Quiet! Now, give me 20 laps while constantly intoning the all-too-appropriate verse from the Book of Mark, chapter 8, verse 36.
Rocko: But, sir, I'm not sure I know that one, sir!
Webmaster: Oh, no? Who wants to help him out here?
Various cadets, in unison:
For what shall it profit a man,
if he shall gain the whole world
and lose his own soul."
Webmaster: "And lose his own soul," WHAT???
Various cadets: And lose his own soul, SIR!
Webmaster: Very good. I'm going to make a boys choir out of you guys yet. Now, move it, Rocko!
Rocko running, mumbling verse
Webmaster: Now, is there anyone else in this spoiled-rotten group of nihilistic millionaires that finds these punishments I'm inflicting this morning to be funny?
Nervous silence
Webmaster: Fee-fi-fo-fem, I hear some giggles from Eminem. Front and center, ladies and gentlemen, for the apotheosis of self-pitying privilege.
Eminem: But, sir --
Webmaster: Well, if it isn't Mr. Ringtone.
Eminem: Listen here, motha --
Webmaster: Tut-tut-tut! You forget the conditions of boot camp, Private. You're stuck here until you're able to sit through one complete morning of my diatribes without flinching or saying a word!
Eminem: Yes, sir --
Webmaster: You signed the form, remember?
Eminem: Yes, sir.
Webmaster: You're just lucky that morning drill hour is almost over, because, trust me: I have plenty of lyrics to ask YOU about.
Eminem: Sir, yes, Sir!
Webmaster: Still, one feels sorry for you. As you point out in your own lyrics:
they don't say me when they speak
on hip-hop legends which has amazed me
'Cause I thought the formula was to hit mainstream"
All together, cadets, on 3: 1, 2, 3...
Cadets: AWWWWWWWWW!
Webmaster: You know that book "Final Exit," private?
Eminem: Yes, sir!
Webmaster: It's a book telling how to commit suicide, isn't it, Private?
Eminem: Yes, sir, Webmaster, sir!
Webmaster: Well, I feel sorry for the sap who wrote it (always assuming they're still hypocritically alive, of course) because do you know what, Private Em?
Eminem: No. What, sir?
Webmaster: You are the walking talking version of that suicide book. What's more, you're proud of that fact. Just listen to this lyric of yours from "Bad Influence":
"I say the world's already f---d, I'm just addin to it
They say I'm suicidal, teenagers' newest idol {c'mon!}
C'mon do as I do, go ahead get mad and do it"
Webmaster: Aw, isn't that sweet! Aren't we tough, Eminem? Oh, dear me.
So the world's already f--d, is it Eminem?
I can see Eminem at the scene of an horrific car crash on the Interstate. Instead of getting out to help, he starts ramming his own car into the car of the dazed survivors under the theory that:
'It's already f--d, I'm just addin' to it'!
Cadets murmuring
Still, if you really want ME to think that you're tough, Private, take that little ditty of yours on the road to any of the numerous theocratical countries around the world today that forbid Christianity and demand that women cover their face in public: I'm sure your call to violent self-pity and despair will go over gangbusters with the local mullahs!
Enimem: Sir, yes, Sir?
Webmaster: And that goes for all of you rappers here today.
Cadets: Sir, Yes, Sir!
Webmaster: Kanye, Lil Wayne, Rocko: You guys are always preening yourselves on pushing the envelope, as if you're risking hearth and home with the so-called 'honesty' of your lyrics, when in fact that's where the money comes from, doesn't it, cadets?
Cadets: Sir, Yes, Sir!
Webmaster: But don't despair: Even I am ready to join your fan club, the minute you start speaking truth to power overseas in countries where the moral envelope is still crisp and tightly sealed. But then it's so much easier to stay in luxury hotels stateside and in the free world and play the role of courageous firebrand.
Well, time's up for this morning's drill.
Company, about face: forward, march!
I don't know but I've been told,
Gain the world but lose your soul
I don't know but it's been said,
Rappers do it for the bread
