I took a SAM missile right through the thorax up in Iceland during World War X. I don't know what a thorax is, but apparently it's expendable because I'm still alive.
Who the heck is this moron in the wheelchair?
Please, Grace! Is that any way to talk to a cripple?! Parker Selfish and Greed Incorporated have another thing coming if they think that I'm going to work with this guy, just because he happens to be the identical twin brother of my former star employee. Grace! Your brother was a Ph.D. three times over! Yeah, well, the King is dead: long live the king. What the hell is he talking about, Norm? It's a cultural reference, Grace. Jake is basically saying, 'life goes on,'... er, in so many words. What? Now what's the problem? Well... Isn't that rushing things a bit, Grace? Hey, listen, I told the suits at the studio that I was only coming back for this sequel on condition that this movie was a good 25% shorter than the original Wagnerian Ring Cycle that Herr Cameron perpetrated on the all-too-receptive world back in January in advancement of his own half-baked sociopolitical zeitgeist. The original movie was a trifle long, I suppose. Are you kidding me? My own mother is already suing the studio on account of the permanent indentations that those clumsy 3-d glasses seem to have left in her schnozz after a five-hour sitting. Very well. Jake, follow me in your wheelchair. Why does he need a wheelchair this time? Didn't you hear his opening voice-over: Someone blew up his thorax, not his legs. If somebody blew up his thorax, he wouldn't be here right now. Ooh, that's right. Really? I could have sworn the doc said that they blew up my thorax. Impossible. They must have blown up your tibia. Well, I'll be. Tibia/thorax -- the point is that you're an injured ex-Marine who wants to be a military hero but hasn't yet hashed out the troublesome moral considerations attendant upon such a calling. 
Men, we face a stark choice out there on that battlefield.
Yeah, should we wear pumps or should we stick with something strappy with just a few embellishments? Tee-hee-hee!All right, who said that? Your BOSS just said that, Quatirich, by way of a little light humor, ya understand. Now, get on with it! Ahem! Now these scumbag Na'vi people want one thing and one thing only -- Don't even go there, Quatirich! I mean, we all want THAT, don't we? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!Um, with all due respect, Mr. Selfish, this is just a military pep rally here: nothing that you'd be interested in. Oh, very well, I'm leaving. But I want those Na'vi bombed off the face of Pandora by 16 hundred hours.
Uh, excuse me, sir?Yes? I'm just curious: Why are we so pathologically bent on exterminating the Na'vi? Oh, I forgot that bit, didn't I? Well, it seems that the Na'vi's giant Hometree as they call it is sitting right smack dab above Pandora's biggest deposit of... wait for it, recruit...
You heard the man, now double-time, recruit: And start shouting KILL like everybody else! That's it: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL! Jake, can you read me? I suppose so. Whoo! Oh, this phosphorescent jungle is so cool! You were supposed to stay in the lab and practice your toe touching, Jake! I'm good to go, trust me! Whoa! Look at these mid-air jellyfish! Be careful with that AMP suit: That baby set the U.S. taxpayer back $200 billion! Cut! What? What did I say? Joel, baby, this movie may be a thinly disguised trashing of American geopolitical assertiveness, but it's still a disguised trashing! Huh? You said 'U.S.' taxpayer! I did? Yes, you did: Now, please, leave the name of the country out of it lest you give my critics a smoking gun to charge me with political propagandism. Right. Now, pick it up where Jake meets Neytiri. I promised Sigourney Weaver that we'd expedite the plot line in this sequel relative to the admittedly somewhat bucolic narrative in the original film. Oh, very well. Sam, Zoe: Pick it up right after Neytiri has saved Jake from the Viperwolves. What? You're going to leave out the attack itself? The attack will be implied by a manic collage of extremely brief film clips alternately featuring arrows, viperwolves, and a desperately fleeing Jack Sully in a blood-stained AMP suit. Great. SIGH! It figures. There's no acting anymore these days, only frame-by-frame backroom editing of disjointed still shots. You've got a problem with that, Mr. Joel Moore? No, I'm just -- Good, because, quite frankly, we could haul in anybody off the street to play a largely peripheral character such as Norm. Sir, yes, sir! Yes, Actors Equity would throw a hissy fit, but unfortunately for you, I'm one of the few titans in Hollywood who has the clout to actually go up against them! Sir, yes, sir! Now then, at the risk of repeating myself... Sam, Zoe: Pick it up right after Neytiri has saved Jake from the Viperwolves.
Ukla boo hickey do-wah-da dodo -- Cut! What's wrong, Jim? Sorry, Zoe, but there's no Na'vi language spoken in this sequel -- due to time considerations, you understand. Oh. Plus, the damn union wanted us to pay through the teeth for the subtitler, so we just told 'em, you know what, fine: The official language of Pandora will henceforth be English: So there: Nyeh! English. Gotcha, Jim. And... action! Oh, you fool! What are you talking about? You look with your eyes, but you do not SEE! Excuse me, but I was just attacked by a group of wild beasts! It is all your fault! MY fault? Well, I say "your" fault: I suppose I really mean it's the fault of the entire world out there that refuses to so much as respect Mother Nature, much less to worship her as a Goddess as we Eywa do. Do what? Aye, but don't think this lets you off the hook, buddy: You will still make the perfect whipping boy in the upcoming metaphorical showdown between Rousseau's Noble Savage and the Tyrant Man of the poets. Look, spare me the philosophical allusions and do something about that one remaining viperwolf that is about to bite me in the thorax -- and I do mean the thorax this time, not the tibia! 
Great, you killed the thing! Thing? How dare you call it a thing! Well, I -- You are such a baby! Hey, you take that back! Okay, okay: If I'm such a baby, then why did you just save my life?! Now, shut up and come to this reflecting pond so that we can pray for the Viperwolfs who have now gone to join the Tree of Souls. Are you coming, Jake? We've got some serious praying to do to the Earth Goddess. But then it was Steven C. who started the whole ultimately unfortunate chain of events rolling by suggesting that we skinny-dip in the indoor swimming pool at 3:30 in the morning. I TOLD him that was a bad idea. Now, sit down beside me and pray: Oh, Great Goddess, forgive Jake for being such a stupid little baby. Hey! Rest assured that we will try to teach him all the latest politically correct attitudes -- What? As proof of which resolution, I adduce the arrival at this very moment of the Eywa People themselves on horseback -- or rather on Thanator back. Oh, no: I'm toast. Relax, Jake: My brothers and sisters may have impressive tattoos and dreadlocks (indeed, they dress up daily in an amalgam of duds straight out of a multiculturalist's wet dream) but they'll just put on a good show of menacing you as they carry you in mock triumph back to my father, the Great Eytukan, back at Hometree. So your dad is the elected leader of these people, then? Elected leader? Are you kidding? We've moved beyond your tired Western concept of democracy. Oh? He leads because he is endowed with the leader spirit of Eywa... I see. That and the fact that he has a hundred highly trained bowmen at his beck and call who will instantly kill any tribal member who so much as THINKS about taking his place. Oho! Well, frankly, I feel I ought to judge your culture negatively for embracing such 'thug politics'... Oh, really? Yes... But then I take one look at the dreadlocks and tattoos and I'm more than ready to give you guys a mulligan on this philosophical hypocrisy. Good. I admit it: I'm a sucker for the least multicultural gesture. I'm only surprised that a female is not in charge here given your worship of a female deity. Oh, well, you know how these things work, Jake: A man may be ostensibly in charge, but there is a woman who calls the shots, by virtue of her own big mouth and adamant belief in her own (as 'twere) papal infallibility on all questions of morality. You mean...? Yes, my mother, Mo'at, is REALLY in charge of the Omatacky people. Omatacky? It's a branch of the Na'vi line. So the Na'vi have many tribes, then? That's right, but don't get any big military ideas about subduing us on account of that: The Na'vi people have been given new unity and purpose in life thanks to the U.S. invasion. Cut! I told you people that this is a thinly disguised hatchet job -- er, I mean social commentary. Please stop mentioning the United States of America! Oh, sorry.Excuse me, Jim. Yes, Stephen?Can I still refer to our ultimate attack on Hometree as a classic example of 'Shock and Awe.' By all means, Lang: We still want to pour it on as thick as possible -- we just don't want to give the whole barn away by openly announcing the fact that we're mercilessly beating a long-since-dead political horse.Right. Blimey! We're almost out of time already. We're going to have to skip the entire business about the Mountain Banshees. What? You mean I don't get to have sex with that ornery little devil and then go riding her to my heart's content out in cloud cuckoo land? Please, Sam: You're just bonding with the creature, you're not having sex with it! You say potato and I say po-tah-to, Jim. It's not sex, I tell you! Oh, yeah? Well, then why did Direhorse specifically ask me for a cigarette shortly after I rubbed my neural queue against her navigation antenna? Can we just get on to the bombing campaign of Colonel Quatirich?Shock and Awe, do you mean, Jim? Exactly. Oh, and by the way, Sam, just for the record... Yes? That was a male Mountain Banshee you were riding, not a female. What?!!!!! Cue Schwarzenegger -- er, I mean Schwarzenkopf -- oh, I mean cue Colonel Quatirich!Gentlemen, man your heavily armed gas guzzlers! Cut! I'm sorry, people, but Neytiri spent so much time on her sappy moralizing back in Act One that there's no time left for the lengthy war scene in this foreshortened edition of the movie. Anyway, the union is going to charge me through the teeth to bring out anything resembling that same arsenal in this sequel. Let's see... We began this thing with a voice-over from Jake... So let's end it with an explanatory voice-over from Sam's character as we see assorted explosions in the background. I have a good mind to walk out on you right now, Cameron. Can you believe it, Zoe: this man fixed me up with a MALE mountain banshee! Well, you did seem to be enjoying yourself. That was ACTING! All right, people, give me some shock and awe visuals... and cue Jake on voice-over... now. ACTION! They say that dreams have to end... But do they? Well, that may be the case if somebody blows up your thorax... but now that I realize that they just took a tip off of my tibia on the inside of my left ankle joint... I think I may just stick around in Pandora Town and help Neytiri take over as supreme leader of the Omatacky People. What? Oh, didn't I tell you: Eytukan and Mo'at died gloriously in our, alas, somewhat Pyrrhic victory against the United States -- Sam!?! Ahem. Eytukan and Mo'at were killed in their heroic and fiercely multicultural battle to save Hometree from the evil (I repeat: evil) Sky People. That's more like it. True, they didn't entirely succeed in that latter goal... See? The bombing's over, and the U.S. has been sent back -- ahem -- I mean, the 'sky people' (wink, wink) have been sent back to Planet Earth with their length-challenged tails between their legs. Of course, it's hard to carry on a torrid love affair in these stuffy AMP suits. But not to worry: Neytiri is going to send me through the so-called 'Eye of Eywa' so that I can be completely cartoonish, 24/7, along with her. Jake! and completely renounce my Western citizenship??? Jake!!! and completely renounce my life among the evil, bad, rotten, incredibly biased and gun-happy (ahem, ahem!) 'Sky People'! Yes! That's it! the people who cannot even seeeee!!!! The End! And that's a wrap! Oh, very subtle message indeed, Cameron! Oh, shut up, you! Why don't you just add a paragraph at the end that tells us exactly what you're trying to say... Security, help Sam get some fresh air outside -- WAY outside. A male Mountain Banshee, huh? You'll be hearing from my agent, Cameron!
