Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I --
Whoa!
Well, now, that's ironic: I almost tripped on these flimsy stairs as I was coming up to this makeshift rostrum.
Somebody in the Maintenance Division is in for a proper scolding if I have anything to say about it! (Humph!)
Now then...
Nervous murmuring
Don't worry, by the way: We'll hear the employee's side of the story first -- THEN we'll fire them.
Um, like, that's a joke, gang. (Jeepers, the last time I saw so many frosty mugs, I was at an A&W root beer stand!)
Now, where was I before I almost met my maker? (I would have been like: "See, God? I tried to tell them that there was an epidemic of tripping in the United States! But no one -- least of all the Maintenance Department -- would listen to me!)
Right, stop grumbling, Professor Johnson, I'm about to begin. (That's right, Richard: Peekaboo, I most definitely SEE YOU!)
Ahem. Ahem. Right.
My name is Dr. Robert Putnik, by the way, for those of you who haven't already had the pleasure. (Please: hold your apple sauce until the end of my presentation.) I am the chairperson of the new Trips Prevention Program here at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in the Atlanta home office. The TPP is a project funded by the Health Resources and Services Administration through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services of the U.S. Department of Human Services, and by a grant from the CPC, the DCD, and the LMNOP. (Now I've said my ABC's -- but we can skip the part where you tell me what you think of me, if it's all the same to you.) We will meet this goal of educating America about the dangers of tripping through a year-long awareness campaign targeted at children, older adults, and at clumsy people in general, as identified by our recent "at-risk populations" study, with a particular emphasis on the recently identified group of so-called Impulsive Daydreamers (or I.D.'s as they're known here in the department) whose purblind pursuit of their own wanderlust puts them in harm's way when it comes to the omnipresent real-world dangers of uneven sidewalks, discarded banana peels, and misplaced children's toys (what we call "the unholy trinity" in the trade).
Some of you are no doubt familiar with the
Falls Prevention Program which is already being carried on here at the CDC, which is also funded by the HRSA, the CPC, et al. Speaking of which, props to my scientific home girl, Roberta A. Newton, up at Temple University for landing that job, even though my perhaps overly loyal friends here in the department continue to insist that I had the better resume... given the fact that I had actually TAUGHT falling (specifically the time-honored pratfall) once as a drama coach at Kansas State, but... No, I'm sure Roberta will do a fine job as head of the FPP (mumble mumble mumble...)
Speaking of the Falls Prevention Program, we here at the TPP (The Trips Prevention Program) are that program's "little brother," so to speak. They'll be covering falls, we'll be covering trips. I won't bore you with the long story of how we came into existence as a sort of rival group to the FPP, except to say that the Falls Prevention Program was always controversial here at the CDC, because researchers like myself believed that the real problem in the United States today was tripping, not falling. Because falling (or so we reasoned then and, in fact, we still believe it with all our hearts) -- falling is merely the inevitable outcome of the "trigger event" of tripping (the latter being the scientifically germane efficient cause of the problem under consideration, the former being merely its normative, or final, cause, and therefore an inappropriate subject for inductive investigation).
Suffice it to say that the potential financiers of the program, apparently unversed in the subtleties of Aristotelian logic, were unable to follow our reasoning, and so they awarded their original grant money to the FPP rather than our TPP alternative. Still, to do them credit, HRSA hedged its bets at the last moment, lest we in the Trip camp were indeed onto something, and gave us a nominal amount of "start-up" money for our own program, with the proviso that we would be eligible for further funds (at the expense of the Falls Program's more considerable monetary allowance) should our program yield sufficiently promising results in the coming research year.
Enough about ancient history. On now to current events:
The TPP (under my humble leadership) will soon be traveling the country, putting on slide shows (or rather PowerPoint presentations) designed to warn Americans (particularly the target groups that I've mentioned above) of the dangers of tripping and to convince them of the all-too-real epidemic that they face in this regard. For the remainder of my speech, I will be showing you a sample presentation of this kind, so that you can observe the approach that we plan to take. Of course, the dangers of tripping are already fully understood by every single person in this department (with the obvious exception of the arguably moronic maintenance man who set up the podium this morning) but I hope the presentation makes you consider volunteering your time to join us as we "take our message to the streets" beginning in May 2009.
So if someone will dim the lights, I'll proceed with my slide show -- Oops, I mean the obligatory PowerPoint presentation....
Sigh!
Ah, yes, we start with the new Trips Prevention Program logo. (I did it myself, by the way: the logo, I mean. Isn't Photoshop wonderful?
What's that? The bird signifies eternal vigilance, of course!
You don't think I got carried away, do you? But then, come to think of it, I have yet to see one single PowerPoint presentation that wasn't blatantly "over-the-top" when it comes to the gratuitous inclusion of at least a half-dozen audiovisual "bells and whistles" that end up distracting from the program's message, rather than adding to it.
All right, next slide.
Come on: we're waiting!
What's that? I'm supposed to press the button myself? What button? Where?
(Honestly, I don't know why they won't let me just hold up a few big pictures, for goodness' sake. But no: we don't want to offend the almighty God of Powerpoint.)
Oh, I get it: this doohickey here is the slide-show remote. Let's see then: I press this button and...
Voila! Picture number two.
You see here the caption reads: "Who Trips?" and there's a photograph of a normal-looking man, right? (Well, I say "normal": He is no doubt somewhat more attractive than your average man-on-the-street -- in fact, after due deliberation, I would probably even describe his smile as "winning" -- but you get the idea, right?)
Yes, Professor Johnson? You say that you don't understand what the picture means?
Oh, come on, people: The picture is merely illustrating the fact that normal people like this "everyday man" trip, the implication being, of course, that normal people like you and I could trip, too, so we'd better watch it (and here I draw your attention again to the ever-vigilant turkey vulture flying overhead -- I tried to get a bald eagle, but the FPP had previously claimed that bird as ITS mascot).
In short, Professor J., the picture says this: Ask not for whom the banana peels: it peels for thee!
Now, where did I put that remote? Ah, yes, it's over here.
On now to the next picture, and...
Click!
What the -- Hey! How did THAT picture get in here?!!
This is obviously the work of our rivals over at the Falls Prevention Program. They'll apparently stop at nothing to discredit our "trip-centric" approach to the subject of fall prevention!
Of course, I'm not saying that my colleague, the right honorable Roberta Newton, knew about this -- but one can't help but wonder if she weren't willing to "look the other way" while some flunky infiltrated our audiovisual department and inserted this bogus slide.
I'm not making any charges, mind, I'm just saying... You know, some things "stand to reason," as they say.
Now then....
Ah, there we go: Finally. There's the telltale pie chart, which reveals that tripping (as we've been saying all along) is implicated in the vast majority of accidental falls in America, while the percentage of falls that are ascribable merely to "falling" in the abstract" can be represented by just one single slice of one single pie.
Yes, Professor Johnson? You want to know what kind of pie it is? Well, I don't know. I'm guessing key lime by the color, but -- Oh, would you shut up for once, Richard? It doesn't make any difference what kind of pie it is! Sheesh!
Next picture, please. (Oh, yeah, that's MY job, right? And, click!)
And then, of course, we follow with the action step, by telling our audience to "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!"
Any questions?
Oh, I almost forgot the final slide. You see that our eagle -- I mean our turkey vulture -- is back for that all-important sense of esthetic closure.
Yes, Professor Johnson? How's that? I can't hear you.
You want to know if the girl in that bogus photograph works in our department? Very funny, Professor (although come to think of it, she does bear a remarkable resemblance to a sort of improbably carefree version of the notoriously dour receptionist on the 7th Floor, what's her name, Mrs. Tunstill or whatever).
Meeting adjourned. You may all leave the room -- with your customary caution, of course. We don't want to give the FPP any fodder for the combine harvester of their presumption by tripping when we exit this auditorium. Just imagine the headlines! The Falls Prevention Group would never let us hear the end of it.
Oh, yeah, and if there are any techies in the audience who know where the "off" switch is on an iBook G4 computer, would you come down here and work your magic on this baby for me?
Meanwhile, I'm going to take my life into my own hands for the second time today by descending this rickety "staircase of death" made out of glorified cardboard!
Well, at least I've identified the first critical audience for our upcoming summer series of lectures on Trip Prevention: namely, The Maintenance Division here at our very own CDC!!!
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Right. Falls.
Who in this room here tonight has ever fallen -- physically speaking, I mean?
Pretty much all of you, it seems. Well, you're probably only human, after all.
How about morally? How many of you have missed the mark on a spiritual level at any time in their life?
Wow! Look at all those mitts going up in the air: You'd think that Sammy Sosa was at bat.
Well, that's just great: You mean I'm cracking wise in front of a bunch of scarlet-stained sinners? It makes me ill, it does! Mother Superior would have my stripes for this.
Yes, my stripes!
It's a long story, folks: I went to a Catholic school as a child and the nuns would actually whip us when we were GOOD, under the theory that we would otherwise become vainglorious about our moral accomplishments. (It was very confusing, if you ask me, because the logic of their own system required that they reward us for being bad, which only made wrongdoing more attractive, which only made our forbearance more commendable, which only made them whip us all the harder as part of their system of proactive chastisement.)
No, seriously, falling is a serious matter, especially when you fall for a real hot babe, like my own Lida Lee.
Where is that pheromone magnet tonight, anyway?
There she is, back at the bar: Take a series of slow and sensuous bows, Lida, ideally while running the palms of your hands over the curvaceous sides of your almost shamefully torn blue jeans. That's it: up and down, up and down...
All right, enough, already, Lida! Sit down, you shameless hussy, you!
Fie, woman, fie!
You know, Lida, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to make ME fall in any spiritual sense of that word.
What's that, Lida? HOW early in the morning? Well, I don't know... How about 6 A.M. this coming Tuesday morning? I'll be waiting -- with bells on (by way of variety, you understand).
No, seriously, I've been lucky so far in the falling department. Yes, I'm proud to say that your old pal Eggy has never once fallen down and gone boom!
Of course, I did go boom once, but that was the inevitable result of eating a plate of my best friend's ridiculously hot chili. In fact, I was in the bathroom all night long! (Chef Boy R Dee, he isn't!)
No, seriously: I don't know if the CDC can help me with this, but you know what my real problem is when it comes to falling?
I keep falling off of those whatchacallit turnip trucks. Seriously. Those things are dangerous!
Just a few months ago, for one notable example, I stupidly shelled out $65 for Amazon's "Prime Shipping" program, under the naive impression that I would get free shipping from Amazon during the coming year. (Ha! Yeah. As if.)
Well, guess what: I've bought dozens of books since then and almost all of them have turned out to be ineligible for the "Prime Shipping" program due to some suspicious- sounding reason referred to in some scarcely visible checkout page footnote.
So you see, I "fell" for that "Prime Shipping" program, so to speak....
and now I (Ahem!)....
Fewer Giggles
regret it.
Almost No Giggles
As it were.
Silence
Shall we pray?
You know what? I think we SHALL pray, now that I know that I'm surrounded by all these fallen angels!
Listen, you've been a great audience, yes? Now go forth and sin no more, ya hear?! I mean, jeepers!
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The War on Clumsiness
We have with us the honorable Professor Putnik from the CDC's Trip Prevention Program.
Charmed as always, jim.
Now then, professor, you say you have a goal of eliminating all accidental tripping in the United States by the year 2020.
Exactly.
Do you really think that's doable?
We have no choice, Jim.
Indeed?
Just listen to these statistics from NCIPC, the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control at the CDC here in Atlanta.
Okay. Fire when ready, Professor.
Did you know that every 18 seconds, an older adult is treated in the emergency room for a fall?
I did not know that.
And that every 35 minutes....
Yes?
every 35 minutes, mind -- someone over age 65 DIES as a result of the injuries that they've received in such a fall.
Well, okay, granted it's a major problem -- that still begs the question: How, as a practical matter, do you intend to stop every single American from accidentally falling by the year 2020.
Oh, we have it all worked out.
Indeed?
Mind you, it all depends on the influx of the appropriate amount of funding from the Congress.
Of course.
Oh, yes: For starters, we're planning to hire over a million FM's, or Fall Monitors, who will be assigned to specific families within our at-risk populations.
Over a million Fall Monitors? Hee hee!
Please, Jim, this is most indecorous, laughing at your own distinguished guests like this.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that -- Hee hee hee hee!
Be so good as to remember that I am a stodgy and almost frighteningly important representative of the CDC in Atlanta, Jim. You do remember what the letters CDC stand for, don't you?
Yes, yes, of course. (Ahem!) I don't know what got into me.
No problem. I run into nay-sayers like yourself every day, Jim, but check this out.
Yes?
We figure we can hire a million FM's for just under a billion dollars.
Wow!
Now that may sound like a lot of money...
Oh, not at all (tee-hee!)
but do you know that falls among our poor elderly (bless them) set this country back $19 billion every year!
You astonish me.
But even with a million monitors, surely someone will trip and fall "through the cracks" of your program, so to speak.
Oh, tush, Jim! Our program will have no "cracks," as you call them, not if it's adequately funded by Congress. Besides, the monitors are only one small part of our Trip Prevention Program.
Oh, I see.
There will be tax incentives for the elderly that will greatly increase their interest in remaining upright.
So then this is a very extensive program, indeed.
Oh, you don't know the half of it, Jim.
For instance?
Well, we're addressing the whole gamut of Fall-related issues.
Such as?
Research has recently revealed that men have a higher fall mortality than women.
So?
So, our Equal Opportunity Office is working on a plan to equalize the fall statistics between the genders.
So you'll do so by working with the men.
It's not quite that easy, Jim.
No?
No. Because the statistics also show us that women are more likely than men to actually FALL -- even though their injuries are less likely to be fatal.
I see.
So our EO office is working on an algorithm to decide what statistical adjustment would create the ideal EOI (or "equality of incidence" of falls) between the sexes.
But I thought that your goal was to eliminate tripping entirely.
Well, yes, by the year 2020, providing that Congress comes up with the necessary funding. Until then, we want to ensure that men and women, so to speak, take turns falling, so that no one can charge us with systemic sexism based on the statistical results of our work.
I see.
Unfortunately, this may mean that we will have to intervene in certain cases by actually going out and causing a small percentage of the elderly to trip based on any lopsided gender breakdown that we may encounter in the stats during the course of our program.
Oh, dear.
But these cases will be rare, indeed, and even if they prove necessary, let's just remember that it's all in the interest of equality.
Tee-hee. Oh, I'm sorry. I can't help myself! I just can't believe what I'm hearing.
Oh, no? Jim, how old are you, if you don't mind my asking?
What?
I fancy you're over 65 --
What's your point?
Nothing. It's just that I'm probably the one who will have to decide if our department will, indeed, have to actually go out (in the interests of what we call "statistical equity" here at the department) and trip any particular member of the "elderly," and I was just now thinking what a shame it would be if one of our nation's greatest interviewers was suddenly laid up in the hospital with a sprained ankle.
What?
Oh, I am soooooo scared. (not)
On the bright side, the average fatality from falling is usually over 75 years old, so we could never get away with actually murdering you through such an intervention, since it would be sure to stick in somebody's statistical craw.
How comforting.
No. We'd probably just hire some street urchin to give you a surprise poke in the back while you're walking down some wet sidewalk in a dimly lit part of town, haply to throw you off-balance.
Okay, okay.
Which is another benefit of our TRIP program over the conventional Falls Prevention Program that you usually read about here at the CDC: Our program actually helps stimulate downtown economies across this country by giving exciting jobs to otherwise aimless wastrels.
Right, we're running out of time.
In fact, aimless wastrels are invited to call the number on their screen for information about when and where we'll be hiring over the next decade --
Right.
All subject to funding, of course.
Of course. Look, Professor, we're out of time, so wrap it up, please, by telling us how we personally can keep ourselves from falling -- assuming, of course, that no aimless wastrel is attempting to topple us in conformance to some sexually skewed gender chart at the CDC.
Oh, that's easy-peasy lemon squeezey, Jim.
Indeed.
Yes. here is CDC's own list of the four things that YOU can do to prevent falling:
Fine. We'll show them as the credits roll. Good night, everybody.
The CDC's
Four Ways to Prevent Falling:
1 Begin a regular exercise program
2 Have your health care provider review your medicines
3 Have your vision checked
4 Make your home safer
( 5 Keep an eye out for suspicious-looking wastrels when negotiating dimly lit sidewalks, particularly when walking downtown )
(And it's Brian Quass from the Quass-dot-com Web site with a groove that sure 'nuff makes you wanna move real smooth: he calls it
Jack and Jill!
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Did you hear the one about the piano which fell down a gold mine and hit A-Flat Minor?
Did you hear the professor's lecture about falling? He spoke with a lot of gravity.
One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down.
My boxer friend tells me that a dude is offering him $10,000 to lose a match. I told my friend: 'I can't believe you're going to fall for that.'
When my wife accused me of being self-important, why, I nearly fell off my throne!
The guy who fell onto the upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement: He became a hardened criminal.
I was on a roll until I slipped on the butter.
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Two hallways diverged in my house,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
TO where it was cluttered up with my chldren's Lego's.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Since it had been newly vacuumed
Just that morning, not to mention
The fact that I didn't fancy tripping
On a bunch of my thoughtless children's Lego's!
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere hours and hours hence
When my kids get home from school:
Two hallways diverged in my house,
And I took the one less junkified
By my inconsiderate children --
And that has made all the difference
(Considering that we WERE going to go out
For ice cream tonight as a family, but now
I'm not so sure about that!)
We had a home in your price range last week... but it fell down.
