Today we are in the historic town of Pitts in Northern England (known jokingly to many local residents around here as "THE Pitts"), in front of the post-modern turrets of Wrinkled Brough Castle. It was here in the year 2112 that Prince William XXXII signed the official peace treaty ending World War Eight. 500 years later and the town is now just a Neo-Chav backwater, with only one public teleportation center and a mere handful of interactive hologram parks -- but today we're going to bring Pitts into the 28th century as thousands of cosmopolitan antique lovers from Euro Sector Seven converge on this once-tranquil commons behind me, eager to learn the potential dollar value of the knickknacks that they've inherited from their ancestors. Rumor has it that some of those family heirlooms date all the way back to the early 21st century and include an anti-botox bumper sticker, a politically minded coffee mug advocating self-service at gas stations, and even a geeky mousepad celebrating a programming language called 'PHP', one of the original programming languages of the Internet. Indeed, the Internet was just getting started in the early 21st century, so a treasure trove from that time period should be a real historical eye-opener, indeed.
Aha! So, you have a bumper sticker, as they used to call them, from the 21st century?
Yes, that's right. How do you know that it's from the 21st century? Well... I don't REALLY know, I suppose -- but our family has always assumed it was from back then. And maybe it is -- let's take a look, shall we? Well, first, of course, we see the text, and it says: "Age before Botox." Yes, I'm not sure what that means, exactly. Well, it's a very interesting story, actually. You see, back in the early 21st century, many well-to-do women -- and, indeed, some well-to-do men -- would have their foreheads injected with an exquisitely small dose of the highly toxic Botulinum Toxin found in the intestines of lactating dairy cows. You're kidding me. No, seriously: It was a cosmetic treatment that supposedly smoothed out the furrows in their brows. Oh, dear. Of course, such treatments became obsolete in the late 2100s with the perfection of cosmetic correction suits, whereby even the most withered crone could instantly look like a goddess to her neighbors merely by flipping on a switch located in a hidden pocket of her dress. I don't know the physics behind it, but it has to do with the bending of light through something called nanotubes. How absurd! Well, it's very 21st-century of you to say so, madame, because whoever made this bumper sticker obviously felt the same way. Oh, really? Just look at the text: "Age before Botox." Hmm... This so-called bumper sticker would have been placed on the rear fender of one of their fossil-fuel-burning vehicles, you see? Aha. And that way, each time that their petrol-burning car came to a stop at a traffic light, for instance, the driver behind them would read the bumper sticker and thus be exposed to its anti-Botox message. I see. So the owner of the bumper sticker was basically telling the world: "The aging process is normal, so stop taking extraordinary (not to mention potentially dangerous) steps to avoid it." Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. I, for one, would NEVER wear one of those cosmetically correct skirts (not that I could afford one if I wanted to, of course!) Good for you. Although I expect half of the so-called "young women" here today are actually withered hags by rights, who have decided to cheat Mother Nature by wearing one of those very high-tech dresses that you mentioned! Well, "well done, you" for going against the spirit of these vainglorious times by keeping the "natural" look. Why, thank you. And don't let anybody tell you that you're a hag, either. Indeed. I mean, okay, you have a little wart on your nose -- but the last time I checked, warts were natural! Yes, well, ahem, moving right along... Oh, yes, I guess you'd like to know the dollar value of this 21st-century bumper sticker of yours. Indeed, I would! Well, let me ask YOU: What do YOU think this would be worth today -- bearing in mind that it probably would have sold for about 10 clams on a 21st-century web site? Oh, dear, I don't know.... Take a guess. I guess it would be worth... about 100 dollars??? Yes, yes? would sell on the market today for.... Yes, yes? Over 500,000 UAD, i.e., over 500,000 Universal Adjusted Dollars! It's true! Especially since this bumper sticker appears to have been designed by a certain Brian Quass, who was one of the pioneer webmasters of the original Internet back in the early 21st century. Well, my lands! Congratulations. Thank you! Of course, it's ironic, though, isn't it: If you were to sell this bumper sticker today on the open market, you would make more than enough money to buy one of those "face-saving" high-tech dresses that we were just talking about. Really? But don't even think about it, Cinderella! You look fine just the way you are, thank you very much -- warts and all, so to speak. 500,000 UAD. Well, well! Now, now, madame! Stay strong! I'm going to be very disappointed in you if I come back here tomorrow on the last day of this antiques fair and find out that you're no longer an eyesore!
Now, sir, please to tell me what you have here.
I don't know, really. I got it recently from my great great great great great great uncle. Indeed? And how did you manage to do that? Oh, Uncle Jimmy visited me via time machine from the 23rd century. Oh, I see. Well, let's see what we have here.... This appears to be a kind of mug from the 21st century... Oh, wow. So it would have been an antique, even by the temporal standards of your great great great whatchamacallhim. But I can't figure out what those words and picture mean? Well, let's take a look, shall we? Let's see, it says, "New Jerseyans for Self-Serve," and there's a sort of exed-out photograph of a petrol station attendant pumping gas. What's a petrol station? Well, you see, back in the early 21st century, the main means of transportation, especially in the United States, was the gas- (or petrol-) powered automobile. I see. And New Jersey, you see, was one of the rare states in the Union back then that would not let drivers pump their own gas. Oh, right.. I believe Oregon was the other state that practiced this no-doubt union-sponsored protectionism. I see. Anyway, drivers in New Jersey had to remain in their cars while an official "pumper," if you will, filled up their gas tank for them. That's silly. Well, whoever made this mug apparently felt the same way, because the mug is advocating in favor of a group called "New Jerseyans for Self-Serve." Interesting. Now, I don't think there was necessarily an official group by that name back in the early 21st century, but the mug designer has nevertheless evoked such a group metaphorically as part of a PR campaign to combat what he no-doubt saw as the Garden State's busybody abridgment of driver rights. Fascinating. Now, I've got "bad news and good news" when it comes to my valuation. Let's get the bad news out of the way, first. The bad news is that this is just a basic white mug and would be worth only a few hundred UAD dollars "as a rule." Hmm. That's still better than I thought. But the good news is, if we look very closely at the artwork here, we can actually make out the face of the man pumping gas on this mug. See? Yes, uh-huh. Now, you may not recognize him, but he would have been instantly identifiable to his contemporaries back in 21st-century America. Indeed? Because that just happens to be the pioneer webmaster known as Brian Quass. You're kidding! That's right, sir: You have a coffee mug designed by Brian Quass himself -- Whoa! And it's in great condition, too! Yes! Of course, that's probably to be expected, since it reached us here in the 2700s by leapfrogging through the centuries in a time machine! So then it would be worth MORE than a few hundred UAD? Yes, yes? 800,000 UADs! Anything to do with those quaint fossil fuels of yore will make a lot of money these days, but especially a niche-market gewgaw like this created by a product designer of such caliber. Elizabeth, I'm a-comin' to join ya! In short, you, sir, have a national treasure, sir! I can't believe it. A national treasure, sir!
So, madame, what have we got here?
I don't know WHAT it is, Chris? It looks like a floor mat, maybe, but it's a little too small. Well, let's see what it says here: "I LOVE PHP." Very interesting. What is 'PHP'? Well, in keeping with the chronology of the last two gifts of our show, this item also dates back to the early 21st century, when PHP was a programming language used by webmasters on the Interent. Fascinating. It's hard to realize these days, but back then you actually had a keyboard and you would type in search requests and so forth in order to sort of 'glean' information from the Internet. Wow. Of course, today, we have merely to vividly imagine a URL in our nanosurgically advanced brains, and we can access the resource through biochemical visualization. Uh-huh. And a lot of that old-fashioned keyboard input would be done in a language called 'PHP'. I see. And being a popular language, it acquired a sort of geeky following back then, hence this knickknack here, which is actually something called a mousepad. Oh, yes, I've heard of those. Because in addition to typing back then, you would also use a so-called mouse to navigate through your computer and the internet -- hence the need for the so-called mouse PAD. Cool. Unfortunately, mouse pads from the 21st century are a little out of fashion these days, so you won't get much for one as a rule. However... Yes, yes? Well, this is a first on the Antiques Roadshow, because this is now the third product in a row on this episode that was designed by the great (if originally underappreciated) Brian Quass of quass.com! Fantastic! How much do you think it's worth? I have no idea. Uh-huh. Mind you, I would never sell it. Of course not. It's been in our family for centuries. You wouldn't by any chance be related to this Internet trailblazer named Brian Quass, would you? Well, family tradition has it that he was my great great great great great great great great uncle. Well, related or not, you have got a fascinating gismo here. Tell me: How much do you think it's worth in today's currency? Oh, I don't know: 50, maybe 100 UAD. Yes, yes? is worth... Yes, yes? Over one million UADs!!!!!! Oi, medic! Medic! I think this woman needs help! Blimey! I think I overdid it on the suspenseful buildup this time! All right, Jerry, let's cut it there. We don't want our production team getting in the way of the emergency response crew.And that's going to do it from Wrinkled Brough Castle here in Pitts, England, where our experts have proven to be unanimously bullish today on the 21st-century knickknacks of legendary webmaster Brian Quass of quass.com. Join us next week when we visit Wrinkled Brough's sister castle, the nearby LOW Brough Castle in Suffolk, to evaluate its attic full of potentially valuable curios from the latter half of the 20th-century, including a pair of high-waisted bellbottom jeans, a New York Giants lava lamp, and an original special edition Chia Pet featuring Sylvester and Tweety Bird from the Looney Tunes television cartoon. Until then, this is William Asphodel saying, going, going, gone!