About Us / About Me

But enough about YOU -- Let's see what I'm all about for a change, shall we? (Darn tootin')

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wave the occasional fist in the air in mute condemnation of the legions that hold me in unfounded contempt

Hey-ho, Brian Quass here, author of Quass.com. Just a quick word about my storied past before we take you on a tour of our Chestnut Street corporate campus...



I was born and raised in Alabama, on a farm way back up in the woods. I kid you not. We were so poor, the folks used to call me 'Patches,' though deep down inside, papa was hurt 'cause he'd done all he could.



Ah, yes... my papa was a great old man, you know. Yes, indeedy. I can still see him with a shovel in his hand. You see, folks: education, he never had but -- still, I've got to admit: he did wonders when the crops got bad.



Oops! Sorry, folks, I was apparently reading off of the wrong cue cards. Those are actually the lyrics to "Patches" by Clarence Carter. Let me start over again with this bio of mine. Let's see now...



I was born and raised in a travelin' show. I kid you not. You know, my mama used to dance for the money they'd throw? As for grandpa, that old man would do whatever he could: you know, preach a little gospel, fill a couple bottles of Doctor Good.



No, that doesn't sound right, either: I believe those are actually the lyrics from a '70s hit by Cher called "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves."



Well, you guys run along and take the Quass.com tour while I try to remember my REAL autobiography.



Let's see now...



Veni, vidi, vici?



No, that's not right, either!





1) The Idea Step






Of course, everything starts with an idea, and that's where the Quass.com Idea Department comes in. Our diverse staff of Harvard graduates from the 1960s works around the clock to develop ideas that may ultimately inspire and, as it were, philosophically undergird the as-yet-unknowable musings of our various eggheaded authors.



2) The Image Step










Here at Quass.com, we know that a picture paints 1,000 words. That's why our staff of Image Specialists works around the clock to find and if necessary create just those images that convey the essence of the ideas that have been previously forwarded to them by our Idea Department (see step 1 above).



3) The Production Step








Of course, words and pictures are mere data until they've been carefully molded together into an actual product: in this case, a double-spaced story outline on index cards that is triple-checked for spelling errors and then forwarded (according to subject matter) to the appropriate egghead, who will actually WRITE the article. Production Development also works around the clock, by the way. (Just come downtown at 3 A.M. and look for the gaudy fluorescent glare coming from the ninth floor: that's Production, racking their ever-active brains!)



4) The Actual Writing








The above process can take as long as a week -- and yet it is only NOW that the REAL work begins, for now one of our Eggheads actually sits down and READS the index card sent from the boys in Product Development. If he finds the story idea promising, he will set to work, generally cranking out a first-rate article within a week. Or if (as often happens) the Egghead deems the story idea to be sophomoric and perhaps even in bad taste, he will return the index card (or cards) to Product Development, usually with a terse note expressive of his disappointment with the quality of suggestions (as he sees it, anyway) that has been coming from the lads on the ninth floor recently. Fortunately, however, enough index cards are smiled upon by our discriminating eggheads to make the publishing of this website possible on a near-daily basis.





I hope I've given you some idea of what goes on down here at Chestnut and Main. Feel free to drop by for a tour if you're in town. Again, you can't miss us: We're the 11-storey building across from the Dairy Queen. Just come north on Federal Street and turn left on Main. (If you've passed the 24-hour CVS Pharmacy, you've gone too far!)





Brian Quass, OW (or whatever)

About Me

Just who is this "American Egghead," as they apparently call him? (If you ask me, he sounds like a right scamp! Er, but I promise to keep an open mind as I read the no-doubt interesting biography that lies below. Aye, one is reasonable, after all.)



Behold now the elaborate facade behind the even more elaborate image of... The American Egghead!












Brian Quass is in reality an almost surprisingly unassuming webmaster from northern Virginia, where he plies his trade in some vaguely television-related field of which we need not speak further in this brief bio. Suffice it to say that he does not appear before the camera, and there an end. (That's not to say that he merely runs a concession stand outside of, say, the WJLA news studios on Wilson Boulevard either! I mean, give Brian a little credit here. Not that there's anything wrong with running a concession stand, on Wilson Boulevard or anywhere else. It's just that the man in question -- and let's not mince words here -- graduated magna cum laude from a major university in 1989. The name of that major university need not concern us here, either -- although you're naturally not to think that it was a mere community college of which folks have generally never heard (though, by your leave, there's nothing wrong with community colleges either now!) By the same token, you're not to assume that it was, say, Harvard, though I'm naturally in no rush to totally quash such speculation with a flat-out denial.



Any guesses?



Here's a hint: I graduated from some reasonably respectable institution in Virginia. No, no further hints. You're on your own now. Just think "doughty" and "time-honored," and you can't go wrong -- unless, of course, you choose William & Mary. No, my alma mater was not quite THAT "doughty," not quite THAT "time-honored." But you won't get another word out of me on this subject! Humph!)



(Okay, look: more hints for an SASE to my address, okay?)








c.2008 Brian Quass, Alexandria, Virginia, USA

Stop!
Before you go: Have you...



1. Seen my Site Glossary
2. Seen my goofy picture page?
3. Seen my Pop-Ed Pieces?
4. Read my Big Ideas?
5. Read my Pet Peeves?
6. Listened to my Music?
7. Seen my brand-new words?
8. Bought my specially selected Amazon gifts?
9. Bought my personally designed gifts?
10. Bought my Carbon Cap?
11. Read my Outrageous Times newspaper?
12. Read my latest article entitled The Tragedy of King Queere?

Check out what the author is up to on the Social Web:
aNobii (his book reviews)
AimeStreet (his music)