The surprisingly delightful musings of a humble Virginian whose satiric paeons to a plausible utopia implicitly shame the cynical zeitgeist of our times, causing it to cry, as 'twere, 'Damn, what was I thinking?' or words to that effect.

May 2018
If the women would stand up and say, 'Listen, we have taken now a position that hatred and bigotry and prejudice can no longer exist.' -- Stevie Wonder

Dear Women: Please take over the world

Save us men from ourselves

As someone who's been critical of the overheated rhetoric of the #metoo movement (and especially of that Washington Post pundit who called for the ruination of every man who was being outed during the beginning of that reign of terror, whether for a tasteless joke of 20 years back or for a violent attack of today, it didn't matter, and no due process necessary, thank you very much) you might think that I have a low opinion of females and femininity. Not that this conclusion would follow logically from my sentiments in that quarter, but then the lack of logical necessity has never stopped the mob from hating on those who fail to pick up their pitchfork on behalf of the outrage du jour.

But far from harboring animosity toward women, I would be much obliged if they would take over the world's governments pronto, and I'm being no more than half facetious in saying so.

"Why?" you ask?

But soft, you shall hear.

I was watching this documentary about the raping of old growth forest in Tasmania via bulldozer in the 21st century, and the invariably male loggers who were furious at environmentalists for attempting to keep said lumbermen from making a buck "by any means necessary."

But the fact that anyone would even THINK of cutting down 500-year-old trees to meet the needs of a single generation of consumers tells me loudly and clearly that something is wrong with these men. They are out of touch with the world around them, the world that created them over the past 200,000+ years, and provided them oxygen and homes.

Pardon me, but these men (or these boys, rather, judging by their obvious immaturity) need to be removed not only from the forests that they covet, but from positions of political power so that they can start being treated like the children that they are, children with respect to their knowledge of their place in the world and what nature is and how they are a part of it.

But let's get down to brass tacks (for which I trust that the copper will be mined sustainably, by the way).

A government-appointed Mother needs to be assigned to go out to these Tasmanian logging camps (after shutting them down, of course) and embrace the obsolete logger as he's crying tears of fury, ruffling compassionating fingers through the malcontent's probably bedraggled hair, and addressing her wayward son as follows:

LOGGER: But I want to cut down those trees!!!

MOTHER: Now, now, I know you do.

LOGGER: And they won't let me do it!!!

MOTHER: There, there.

LOGGER: It's not fair!!!

MOTHER: But, honey, you've got to realize, if you cut down these ancient trees, you're destroying the very air we breathe and denying your future ancestors their beauty, not to mention their vital place in the environment.

LOGGER: But I WANNA cut them down!

MOTHER: I know you do, but you're a big boy, aren't you?

LOGGER: Well, yes, but--

MOTHER: No "buts" about it. Now you go dry your eyes and buck up. There's a whole world out there of possibilities for earning money. It's the Internet age, for goodness' sake. Get an education, you silly, and the world's your oyster.

LOGGER: But I wanted to cut them down!

MOTHER: I know you did. Now, you go take a nice nap, you'll feel so much better in the morning.

You see how turning over the government to women could help, right?

But wait, there's more -- i.e., more ways that this new Fem-ocracy of mine could help save mankind -- and I do mean MANkind -- from itself.

You say you have nuclear proliferation?
Not a problem.

GENERAL: But I WANT to explode a nuclear bomb!

MOTHER: I know you do, sweetie, but they hurt and kill people and that's not nice, is it?

GENERAL: Oh, I never get to do ANYTHING!!!

MOTHER: Oh, my poor baby. Where's the big strong boy that I raised?!

GENERAL: It's not fair!

MOTHER: I know, I know. Just get it all out, son, it'll be OK.

GENERAL: Can't I just blow ONE city up or something!

MOTHER: No, sweetie, I'm afraid not.

GENERAL: Oh, why not??!!

MOTHER: Oh, because my dear boy is better than that, that's why.


MOTHER: I'll tell you what, why don't we play a nice game of Monopoly, get your mind off inflicting grievous bodily injury on your fellow human beings?

GENERAL: Well...

MOTHER: And while we're at it, who's up for some popcorn, huh?!

Copyright 2017, Brian Quass (follow on Twitter)