Quass.com

1-800-CAVING-ACCIDENT




Thank you for calling 1-800-CAVING-ACCIDENT, where you pay nothing until we've gotten you safely out of that cave that you've been trapped in.

Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order that it was received.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine




Oh, my darling


Oh, my darling--


Please note: We are experiencing higher than usual call volumes. Thank you for your patience and please continue to hold for the next available operator.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner--


Did you know that many common caving accidents can be solved with a little patience? If your leg is caught under a fallen rock, try wiggling it back and forth to create a cavity underneath your heel. Once you've created a little wiggle room in the dirt, have your caving partner grab you under your armpits and pull backwards vigorously until your trapped foot is released.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



All operators are busy at this time. For best results, why not call us between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Pacific Time? Or, remain on the line, and your call will be answered in the order that it was received.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line and an operator will be with your shortly. For prompt support, please be ready to furnish us with the name of the cave that you are trapped in along with the last 8 digits of your social security number.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



Did you know that unnecessary talking uses up valuable oxygen? Studies show that cave-in victims have 50% higher survival rates when they whisper. Psst! Pass it on! (but softly!!!)


In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



Thank you for your patience. We are receiving higher than usual call volume. If you would prefer, we can call you back in...

12 hours...

at the phone number of your choice. To accept this option, please press or say "1". To reject this option, press or say "What the hell are you talking about? I need help NOW!"

Or simply remain on the line and your call will be answered in the order that it was received.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



Did you know that after 20 minutes of hold time, we announcers get to say anything that we want to during these annoying interstitials? That's because nobody in their right mind would hold for this length of time, and even if they did, it means that they're probably on the brink of expiring from the caving mishap about which they were calling in the first place.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



Did you know that my Internet Service Provider, Network Solutions, would play Pachelbel's Canon every single time that I was on hold with their customer service department from the year 1999 until at least 2012, notwithstanding the fact that I had sent them numerous increasingly angry e-mails begging them to stop doing so? I kid you not.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



I was like, "OK, it was funny at first that they would play nothing but the same lame recording of Pachelbel's Canon, but after five years of the same, it finally went from being funny to being irritating in the extreme.

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



I finally -- and this is absolutely true, folks -- I finally sent them a 10-page letter via snail mail on which I typed the following words over and over again:

"Please stop playing Pachelbel's Canon! Please stop playing Pachelbel's Canon! Please stop playing Pachelbel's Canon! Please stop playing Pachelbel's Canon! Please stop playing Pachelbel's Canon!"

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



By the way, I'm going outside for a Slurpee and a cig now. (We're right next to a 7-Eleven here in sunny Venice Beach.) But not to worry: Your call is important to us, after all, right? "Order it was received" and all that good stuff, right? Ha ha!

In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



If this parody of the ubiquitous phone tree phenomenon has made its point now, please press or say "1"; if not, please press or say "I still don't get it, but then it's probably just me," or continue to read in the admittedly slim hope that we'll add some sort of clarifying editorial note below that will communicate the intended upshot of this broadside, as literally as possible, for the sake of even the most satire-challenged readers among us.


In a cavern

In a cavern

Excavating for a mine

Lived a miner, forty-niner

And his darling Clementine--



Nope. No clarification yet. I told you there was slim hope for such an (ahem) "epilogue for dummies," didn't I?

I know, I know: I'm terrible.



Copyright 2017, Brian Quass quass@quass.com (follow on Twitter)