The surprisingly delightful musings of a humble Virginian whose satiric paeons to a plausible utopia implicitly shame the cynical zeitgeist of our times, causing it to cry, as 'twere, 'Damn, what was I thinking?' or words to that effect.

November 2017

The Visit

Reviewed by the Movie Goer of the United States of America


Good afternoon. You may be seated -- except for that wiseguy in the back row who never sat down in the first place. Humph! Guards, off with his head! That's it, chop-chop, with malice aforethought, even!

The very idea!

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Good afternoon.

As you know, I recently watched the 2015 movie entitled "The Visit" via FandangoNow using my new Roku device.

REPORTER: Is that the Roku Express Media Player, sir, or the so-called Ultra TV doohickey?

MOVIE GOER: Let's please hold all questions until I complete my opening statement. However, now that you mention it, I used that little stick device that you plug into the back of your TV screen.

REPORTER: Oh, that's the Express Streaming Media Player, then.

MOVIE GOER: If you say so. Anyway, the movie was directed by M. Night Shananaman.


MOVIE GOER: I mean, M. Night Shazzamalan


MOVIE GOER: M. Night Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

REPORTER: Oh! You mean the India-born M. Night Shyamalan of Sixth Sense fame.

MOVIE GOER: What HE said, folks. Anyway, the film is about a couple kids who visit their grandparents at the behest of their mother, while the divorced parent is away on a sea cruise with her new love interest.

REPORTER 1: Excuse me, sir! Weren't the kids' names Becca and Tyler and weren't they played by Olivia DeJonge and Ed Oxenbould respectively?


REPORTER 2: And weren't the grandparents called Nana and Pop Pop, and weren't THEY played by Deanna Dunagan and Peter McRobbie, respectively?

MOVIE GOER: Listen, if you guys know so much about the movie, why don't YOU give my opening statement instead?!!

REPORTER 3: OK. Well, first of all, the mother has been estranged from her grandparents for some years.

REPORTER 4: Yes, and the character Becca is making a documentary about the grandparents with the idea of bringing the parties back together through mutual understanding.

MOVIE GOER: I was joking, guys. The Constitution of the United States clearly states that the Movie Goer in Chief (videlicet myself) shall summarize the movies during his State of the Movie addresses.

REPORTER 5: Sorry, sir.

REPORTER 6: Yes, please, go ahead, Mr. Movie Goer.

MOVIE GOER: What's the point now? You guys have given away the whole plot. Fooey!

REPORTER 7: What about the surprise twist?

MOVIE GOER: Oh, yes, that was wild, wasn't it?


MOVIE GOER: But I am not about to spoil the movie for the great American public by divulging the shocking twist in question.

REPORTER 9: What about the rating?

MOVIE GOER: Well, seeing as my opening statement has been prematurely terminated thanks to your smart-aleck meddling, I might as well answer your questions now.

REPORTERS: Ooh! Ooh! Me, me!

MOVIE GOER: As of November 25, 2017, the film had a rating of 6.2 after 88,661 votes on the Internet Movie Database.

REPORTER 10: Do you agree with that rating, sir?

MOVIE GOER: Look, this was a real shocker for yours truly, thanks to the plot twist.


MOVIE GOER: So I don't see where the movie-going public gets off rating this baby a 6.

REPORTER 10: I see.

MOVIE GOER: I would have thought an 8, at the least.

REPORTERS: Me! Me! Over here! Ooh! Ooh!

MOVIE GOER: That's all the time I have time for, folks.

REPORTER: But, Mr. Movie Goer, what about the fact that the amount of the snow on the Pennsylvania countryside varies dramatically from day to day?

MOVIE GOER: I see someone's been reading the IMDB "goofs" section.

REPORTER: And what about the way that the kid and the conductor (one Samuel Stricklen) rapped together on the Amtrak train. Wasn't that cool?

MOVIE GOER: No further comment.

REPORTER: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me!

MOVIE GOER: Yes, Helen.

REPORTER: One last question: What was the movie's tagline?

MOVIE GOER: I believe it was, "No one loves you like your grandparents."

REPORTER: But is it not true that the movie was originally to be called "Sundowning," sir?

MOVIE GOER: Please direct all further questions to IMDB. I've got more movies to watch, folks.

REPORTER: Mr. Movie Goer! Mr. Movie Goer!

People who enjoyed this article were not entirely unmoved by the meticulous attention to detail manifest in the author's subsequent creation of this crossword puzzle greeting card about New York City, nor were they slow to recognize the value of the same in playfully alerting one's friends to the rich identity of the city that the sender was currently tenanting. "Note cards are all well and good," such people generally allowed, their mind's eye probably gazing abstractedly on a probably ever-changing vista of the region's many vaunted icons, "but there's nothing like a card-slash-gift of this kind to bring out the high points of one's city, which, you've got to hand it to this Quass fella, whoever he is," and, of course, other spirited adumbrations to this effect.

Copyright 2017, Brian Quass (follow on Twitter)