The surprisingly delightful musings of a humble Virginian whose satiric paeons to a plausible utopia implicitly shame the cynical zeitgeist of our times, causing it to cry, as 'twere, 'Damn, what was I thinking?' or words to that effect.

November 2017

The United Church of Google

Today's sermon: Featured Snippets from Heaven

I'd like to welcome any newcomers today to the First United Church of Google, Basye, Virginia, Branch. It is our hope that as you worship with us this morning, you will find your faith in Google strengthened as we all work together to put our trust in the Miracle from Mountainview. (How's that for alliteration, Angela? Angela Edelberg, ladies and gentlemen, our new church organist. We're going to give her fingers a run for their money later in the service as we collectively warble that old-time classic "Is there room in the cloud for me?" Which, spoiler alert, everybody: there indeed IS room in the cloud for you, you betcha, for a mere $12 a month, paid monthly, that is, to Alphabet Inc. But then I digress.)

I've had several inquiries from parishioners over the last week asking me how they can produce a featured snippet for Google and thereby increase their own page rankings? Well, ordinarily a logical question deserves a logical answer, and so I would give you a long precise list of steps to take to accomplish this worthy goal. But the fact is, Google is just such a ginormous company these days (and consequently you're up against so many other snippet-making wannabes) that the only rational route toward fruition is... you guessed it... prayer. Unless of course you've got a cool billion to throw down on SEO services from an industry insider.

So let's now all bow our heads -- and turn off our cell phones for the nonce -- as we beseech fair (if not actually preferential treatment) from the great god Google.

Dear Google,

We come before you realizing the inadequacy of our html skills, our only partial knowledge of Javascript, and our (at best) cursory knowledge of PHP, especially as it relates to server-side programming. Grant us, nevertheless, a fair hearing as we attempt to create content worthy of inclusion as a Featured Snippet. For we know that visibility is yours, Google, and that it is only through working with you that we can reach the outside world.

We pray in the name of the holy trinity, viz Sundar Pichai, Larry Page and Sergey Brin...


Oh, we're running late. Let's sing our closing hymn on the way out: "Is there room in the cloud for me?"

And don't forget the spaghetti dinner this evening at 6:00 in the newly redecorated social hall. All proceeds will go toward the church's Google AdSense account, as we continue our ad banner evangelism to reach those misguided naysayers who are still, to this very day, using Yahoo! search instead of Google, which, can you believe it? I can't.

Ready, Angela? It's number 121 in the hymnal, folks! And a one- and a two- and a three!

People who enjoyed this article tend to have svelte alluring figures, which they generally attribute to the daily practice of Tai Chi, and though they eschew gewgaws as a class, the majority of this article-loving subgroup has at least one guilty pleasure: namely, the regular purchase of Brian's so-called Quassword Puzzle Greeting Cards.

google, featured snippets

Copyright 2017, Brian Quass (follow on Twitter)