The surprisingly delightful musings of a humble Virginian whose satiric paeons to a plausible utopia implicitly shame the cynical zeitgeist of our times, causing it to cry, as 'twere, 'Damn, what was I thinking?' or words to that effect.

November 2017

I'm Dining on Spiders

Our scientists tell us that we human beings eat at least four spider legs per night while sleeping. At least that's what MY scientists tell me.

OK, I read it on the Internet in one of those TOP 100 fun facts pages, but it came across as so authoritative, folks, it would have done your heart good to read it! Besides, I've yet to learn of one single academic (entomologists included) who has taken the time to distance him or herself from the nauseating asseverations contained therein. So if I've been misled on this subject, then shame on THEM as far as I'm concerned. I've done my due diligence, folks, now let them do theirs! Humph!

But where was I? Oh, yes:

Naturally, I was skeptical of this claim at first. Me, eat 4 spider legs per night? One didn't think so.

So I decided to check it out for myself. Accordingly, I installed a security camera in my bedroom to monitor my soporific dining activity (if any), fully convinced that I would refute thereby this seemingly improbable factoid with solid film footage to the contrary.

Well, imagine my surprise when I paged through the film results this morning, only to find myself sitting up in bed (roundabouts 1:00 A.M. Virginia time), as placidly as you please, tucking an imaginary napkin into my felt pajama tops and then genteelly conveying a huge bushy spider leg to my wide-opened mouth by means of my right index finger, which apparently was "standing me for a fork" in the absence of the usual daytime assortment of cutlery options.

I was so revolted by this prerecorded display that I didn't even bother to check the footage for the three additional spider leg meals of which science says that I partake. I mean, if this world is so crazy as to permit of me consuming even ONE big bushy spider leg while sleeping, then all bets are off.

I guess the take home message is: trust but verify. It's all well and good that a big important website says that you eat spider legs, but it's always prudent to double-check these claims before panicking.

Of course, now that I know that scientists are correct, I have no recourse left me but to be totally grossed-out... but at least now when I get the heebie-jeebies on this subject, I can do so advisedly.

UPDATE: There is some good news at last! I finally got up the nerve to fast-forward through my nighttime surveillance video, and guess what? Exactly one hour after the leg-eating incident, I found myself drowsily consuming a whole plate's worth of Veal Marsala -- with artichokes, no less!

See, folks. The message is clear: We have to look beyond the headlines and put these seemingly unpleasant factoids in perspective. Yes, humans may eat spider legs in their sleep, but that doesn't prevent us from battening our somnolent hatches on other tastier fare as well!

23% of readers made a beeline for the author's online store, where they purchased this crossword puzzle greeting card about '70s pop music.

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Copyright 2017, Brian Quass (follow on Twitter)