The American Egghead Presents -- Remedial Pheromones 101
Articles, databases, music, and more...
from a board certified egghead!







Top 10 Songs by the American Egghead

1 Country Gardens

2 How Much is that Doggy in the Window

3 Where Oh Where

4 Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen

5 Pompous Circumstance

6 Auld Lang Syne

7 This Old Man

8 Wedlock Rock

9 Home On Derange

10 Puppet Pavanne

More Songs
Next Article here by Wednesday the 14th of May, 2008

image for article entitled Remedial Pheromones 101

Remedial Pheromones 101



A Stand-Up Comedy Routine about the science of neurochemical attraction (Warning: These are NOT your grandmother's pheromones)











Browse Related External Links "Smells Like Scientific Method"





Whoooo-hooo! What's up, people???!!!





Audience, applauding: Whoo-hoo!





No, seriously, you guys are great.





The woman down here in the green shorts seems particularly great to me tonight: don't ask me why.





[ Applause, whistles ]





I guess we'll have to put it down to pheromones.





[ Chortles, chuckles, coughs ]





Whether the pheromones in question are mine or hers has yet to be established.





[ Confused titters ]





There's too much chemical "background noise" in here, as our friends the scientists might put it.





Could everyone else sort of "turn off" their pheromones for a minute, so I could trace this feeling of mine to its biological source?





What's that, sir? You want to know how to turn off your pheromones?





Hmm. That's a good question: I imagine you simply have to stop thinking amorously about anybody in the room.





Would you look at that guy back at the bar? He's like, "But that's impossible! Look at all the righteous babes wherewith I am surrounded!"





Well, then close your eyes, you shameless Lothario, jeez!





I mean, you're a grown man: learn a little self-control up in here tonight, if only in the interests of science!





[ Whoo-hoo! ]





Whoo-hoo, indeed!





For those of you who skipped the high-school biology class on pheromones -- or for those of you who went to high-school before human pheromones were even discovered (under our underarms, of all places) back in 1986...





we proudly present: Remedial Pheromones 101, with Professor Yu Cant See-Um....





Incidentally, I'm still picking up a lot of "cross-noise" in here on the pheromone front, so it's obvious that some of you people still need to "settle down," psycho-sexually speaking. I don't know what the big deal is anyway. Nothing personal, but this is not the best-looking audience that I've ever seen in my life -- with the possible exception of the aforementioned woman in the green shorts, of course, who (from a biochemical point of view, at least) appears to be "just what the chemist ordered" for me.





That's it, sir, shut your eyes and think pure thoughts while I present "Pheromones for Dummies," aka, "These are NOT your grandmother's pheromones."





Right. Here's the deal: Back in 1971, a psychologist named Martha McClintock at the University of Chicago noticed a strange thing. Of course, there were no-doubt plenty of strange things to notice in Chicago in the early '70s (at the University of Chicago alone, not to mention in the entire Windy City) but this one had to do with the apparent synchronization of menstrual cycles among women (sisters and the like) who lived together. It seemed that women were somehow affected by the relative propinquity, if you will, of their potential male sex objects.





Remember, pure thoughts, fellas: Pure thoughts! (Our purity-challenged Lothario back at the bar is going, "This lecture is not helping!")








So, Martha and company got to thinking: "Well, bless our scientific hearts!" or words to that effect: "How are the men exerting this seemingly invisible influence on these women's menstrual cycles?"





Well, long story short...





[ Titters ]





(You guys could find a double entendre in anything!)





Long story short, they deduced the presence of a sort of influential (and often extremely subtle) "odor" that is wafted from men to women, influencing the timing of the cycles in question. Researchers would soon go on to chemically confirm the existence of such substances, albeit not yet to the scientific satisfaction of everybody in the field....





The bad news is, I'm starting to bore you guys. The good news is, I'm getting your minds off of sex, thereby muting the extraneous pheromone activity in the room and letting me trace my own potentially amorous biochemical output viz-a-viz this shorts-clad woman of whom I speak (of whom I think, of whom I dream -- nay, of whom I positively obsess up in here tonight! Whoo-hoo!)





[ Whoo-hoo! ]





Thank you, sir: There's nothing like a confirmatory "whoo-hoo" from one's audience.





And don't worry: I'll trace my chemicals to their source, no matter where they lead!





[ Applause, cheering ]





Then again, as this is a PG-rated comedy club, there's always the possibility that the trail could lead somewhere that I'm not permitted to go, thus obliging me to obfuscate the evidence through some sort of (as 'twere) "shoe-scuffing" and red-faced coverup. (As in, "Awwwww, shucks, folks! I mean, jeepers, now!")





But not to worry: the list of "places" that I'm not permitted to go is short, indeed, given the racy times in which we live. (For a complete list of these off-limit potential anatomical wellsprings of my neuro-chemical sexual activity, send an SASE to American Egghead, 121 North Bronx Street, Brooklyn, NY 20005. Submissions must be received before midnight tonight, or our ridiculously underpaid clerk will be furious, indeed, and may even quit.)





Let me first say that I've definitely ruled out my underarms as the provenance of my own psycho-chemical output tonight. I mean, give me some credit here: I did shower before I got here, you know.





Nor can I suspect this obviously intelligent short-clad eye magnet here in front of me of foregoing the customary ablutions prior to her own arrival there in row number two.





In short, if she and I are chemically attracted to each other this evening, it must be a strong two-way signal indeed, since its persisting after our best joint efforts to eradicate it through the application of the customary moistures and assorted balms and lotions that Mankind has created for that very purpose.





Incidentally, do you feel it, too, madame, or do my claims of chemical reciprocity on the psychosexual front ring hollow on your end?





What's that? My claims ring "as hollow as the beating war drum"?





I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but it doesn't sound good.





Well, all I can say is, if you're not altogether smitten by me, then I'll thank you to keep your pheromones to yourself! (Mumble, mumble, mumble.... ) Fancy, invading my neurochemical space like that!





Listen, you've been a great audience, with the obvious exception of the shameless wretch back at the bar who couldn't get his mind off of sex, even in the name of science, judging by the positive stream of water-muddying pheromones that he was sending out during my routine! If I hadn't bored him to death with my lecture, I'd probably STILL be up here trying to diagnose my neuro-chemical attraction to "Our Lady of the Green Shorts."




by the Herr Egghead



click for top of page External Links


"About Pheromones"

Site Description: Pheromones are chemicals emitted by living organisms to send messages to individuals of the same species.... Visit Site (Link valid as of 2008-05-07)

"American Psychological Association"

Site Description: Pheromones, in context... Visit Site (Link valid as of 2008-05-07)

"Society for Neuroscience"

Site Description: Brain Briefings: Pheromones... Visit Site (Link valid as of 2008-05-07)
click for top of page Internal Links





Psychology

Keep Me in Your Prayers! READ

Remedial Pheromones 101 READ

Shout! READ

The Moral Tortures of the Game of Golf READ





Science

Clone This! READ

Cold Feet READ

On the Recalcitrance of Biomass READ

Our Blue Friend READ

Remedial Pheromones 101 READ

Standup for Saturn's Hexagon READ

Time Travel 101 READ

Why We See Red READ





Stand-Up Comedy

All-ee All-ee In-come-Bee! READ

Fast Times at Jurassic High READ

Food for Thought READ

Happy Columbus Day READ

Interviews READ

Kindness without Caveats READ

Merry Kissmas 2006 READ

No, seriously! Seriously! READ

Psycho Comic READ

Remedial Pheromones 101 READ

Shout! READ

Stand-Up at the Okay Corral READ

Stand-Up Comedy with Everybody's Favorite Egghead READ

Stand-up for Yorktown, Virginia READ

Standup for Saturn's Hexagon READ

Topical Cul-de-Sac at the Ricochet Lounge READ

Wassup, Monkeys Eyebrow?! READ

Who Do You Think You Were, Anyway? READ

You Better Run! (Talkin Bout a Revolution, yo) READ

























Support Site, Buy Gifts Now!

My Clone Drives a BMW (bumper sticker)

My Clone Drives a BMW (bumper sticker)

Egghead Knievel here. You know, before I was a famous roadster, folks used to poke fun at the funky beaters that I used to drive (and/or push!) about town -- until I slapped this baby on the backside of my old rattletrap. To be honest, my clone actually drives a motorcycle -- but my would-be detractors don't know that! Heh heh heh heh heh! (Ooh, baby, I am gooood, girlfriend, I am tellin' you!)

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Clone This!)




I Brake for Honeybees (bumper sticker)

I Brake for Honeybees (bumper sticker)

Professor Eggbert Beesley here. You know, after years of research (including many "pointed" interviews with the bees themselves), I've finally figured out why the honey bees are going awol in record numbers: They are simply (to quote one seemingly representative bee on this point) "sick and tired" of being taken for granted by the human race. That's why an increasing number of apiologists like myself have proudly affixed this bumper sticker to their automobile, to evince our sincere gratitude toward the entire race of Apis mellifera. Won't you join us in showing the bees that we appreciate the vital role that they play in pollinating so many of our finest plants and vegetables? Go "pro-bee" today with this morale-boosting bumper sticker.

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: All-ee All-ee In-come-Bee!)




Signed $4 Million Painting by Cy Egghead

Signed $4 Million Painting by Cy Egghead

Cy Egghead here, folks. You remember me. I'm that big important artist who's charging $4 million for a blank canvas with his name on it. Well, today is your lucky day, folks! For a limited time only, I'll be letting the masterpiece go for a mere 40 bucks! But hurry, these low prices can't last forever! Delay at your own risk! Price could return to a firm $4 million at any time without notice!

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Cy Twombly Can Kiss My Canvas! (In fact, EVERYBODY CAN!))




Age Before Botox (Bumper Sticker)

Age Before Botox (Bumper Sticker)

Professor Methuselah Egghead here. Show those tailgaters where you place YOUR aesthetic priorities while tacitly evincing your philosophical equanimity with the human condition. Memento mori meets bumper sticker only at the American Egghead gift shop at Quass.com.

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Dawn of the Embarrassed Dead)




I Speed Up for Grumps (Bumper Sticker)

I Speed Up for Grumps (Bumper Sticker)

Egghead Knievel here, folks. Have you ever had a nice day ruined by the peevish declamations of a grump? (I've been there and done that, I assure yoU!) Well, launch a preemptive cathartic strike against these spoilsports by affixing this "in your frowning face" bumper sticker to the backside of your old beater. (Humph! Where do these unhappy campers get off spoiling my day, anyway! Humph!)

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Elevator Grumps at Ballston Commons)




New Jerseyans for Self-Serve (Bumper Sticker)

New Jerseyans for Self-Serve (Bumper Sticker)

Eggbert I. Pumpwell here. (What? It's my name, okay: Sheesh!) Say, Garden Staters, are you tired of condescending and wholly unnecessary (and often even time-consuming) "help" at the gas pump? Tell Big Mother in Trenton that you'd rather do it yourself with this revolutionary new bumper sticker from the American Egghead gift shop at Quass.com.

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Fourth of July in Fireworks-Free New Jersey)




Surrender This! (Bumper Sticker)

Surrender This! (Bumper Sticker)

Lord Cornwallis Egghead here, what? Join me in poking fun at those upstart colonials from the "American War" with this table-turning decal (er, bumper sticker) about the British surrender in Yorktown in 1781.

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Stand-up for Yorktown, Virginia)




My Friend Went Back in Time (t-shirt)

My Friend Went Back in Time (t-shirt)

Professor Chumley Egghead here, Chair of the Time Travel Department at Smitherton Community College in Bel Air, Iowa. You know, time travel can be so exhilarating, especially to novices, that we tend to forget some of the basic rules of travel etiquette -- such as buying souvenirs for our luckless friends who, for whatever reason, had to remain at home during our spaciotemporal voyage. That's why I always return to my customary time zone with a good half-dozen of these time-sensitive t-shirts reading: "My friend went back in time, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!" It might not entirely appease your jealous homies, but after they slip this attractive gift on, they'll be sure to sit politely throughout your entire travel-related slide show and lecture -- especially when they reflect that the shirt that you've bought them is "made in the U.S.A." of organic cotton!

(This gift idea inspired by the following article published on the American Egghead: Time Travel 101)




Eggs Over Easy CD

Eggs Over Easy CD

"Eggs" Benedict here, lead keyboard player for Eggy and the Eggheads. Check out our debut album called "Eggs Over Easy," featuring a growing collection of classics from your old pal Eggy and friends. Get your matrimonial groove on with "Wedlock Rock," our righteous riff on Mendelssohn's Wedding March, and then: never let auld acquaintances be forgotten again with our memorable (and most emphatically funkified) rendition of "Auld Lang Syne."

How's that? You've never heard of Eggy and the Eggheads! Well, bless our musical hearts: We absolutely dominate the Top 10 Charts at Eggboard Magazine. Check us out! (Never heard of us, indeed! Where have YOU been this century?!)





Who Cooks for You (chef's apron)

Who Cooks for You (chef's apron)

Professor Sylvester Egghead here, Dean of Applied Raptors at Tufts University. You know how Barred Owls are always crying: "Who Cooks for You? Who Cooks for You-All?" Well, I've just teamed up with Barred Owl Roseanne Barred to answer that question once and for all for the species Strix varia. Just have your top chef wear this at your next outdoor picnic, and the neighborhood Barred Owls will finally see: "Who Cooks for you! Who Cooks for You-all!"














1

Remedial Pheromones 101




Read More



2

Falling for Frank Lloyd Wright




Read More



3

Living with the Muck Tribe




Read More



4

Putting on the Dog at the Beagle Fashion Show




Read More



5

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Wright




Read More



6

All Aboard the Platonic Express!




Read More



7

Let Us Now Praise Fainted Men




Read More



8

The $2,000 Box




Read More



9

SHUTTER Clicks




Read More



10

Waxing Poetic with William Butler Egghead




Read More










Top 10 Northern Virginia Restaurants

1. Cafe Renaissance
2. Austin Grill
3. Whitlow's on Wilson
4. Wharf, The
5. Bilbo Baggins Global Restaurant
6. Bugsy's
7. Joe Theismann's Restaurant
8. Summers
9. Argia's
10. Anthony's House and Carry

...from the Herr Egghead's Northern Virginia Restaurant site








Top 10 Britishisms

1. bloke
2. earner
3. advert
4. anorak
5. A.A.
6. aerodrome
7. answerphone
8. abseil
9. aubergine
10. Joe Bloggs

...from Yankee Doodle's Dandy Dictionary of British Slang








Top 10 North American Owls

1. Spotted Owl
2. Eastern Screech Owl
3. Northern Hawk Owl
4. Boreal Owl
5. Northern Pygmy Owl
6. Western Screech Owl
7. Short-Eared Owl
8. Long-Eared Owl
9. Barn Owl
10. Flammulated Owl

...from the North American Owl Encyclopedia by Tu-Whit Tu-Whoo








Topical Index:


1106, the movie: 1,
9-11: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Age: 1,
Airplanes: 1,
Airport Security: 1,
Alba, Jessica: 1,
Albert Hall: 1,
Alcibiades: 1,
Anger: 1, 2, 3, 4,
April, the month: 1,
Artists: 1,
Astronomy: 1,
Australia: 1,
Autobiographical: 1, 2,
Ballston Commons: 1,
Baseball: 1,
Beagles: 1,
Bears: 1,
Bees: 1,
Big Cat Diary: 1,
Borneo: 1,
Bourne Ultimatum, the movie: 1,
Bowling: 1,
Brick Repointing: 1,
British Slang: 1,
Bureaucrats: 1,
Cage Fighting: 1,
Campfire Stories: 1, 2,
Chapman, Tracy: 1,
Chariots of Fire, the movie: 1,
Che Guevara: 1,
Childhood Education: 1,
Children: 1, 2,
Chincoteague, Virginia: 1, 2, 3,
Chinese Food: 1,
Christmas: 1, 2,
Church: 1,
Cloning: 1,
Cloverfield, the movie: 1,
Columbus Day: 1, 2,
Columbus, Christopher: 1, 2,
Contact Us: 1,
Convention: 1,
Counterrevolutionary: 1, 2, 3,
Crumhorn: 1,
Cryonics: 1,
Deja Vu: 1,
Dinosaurs: 1,
Disability: 1,
Doctors: 1,
Dogs: 1,
Dracula: 1,
Emperor Augustus: 1,
Environmental: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,
Existentialism: 1,
Eye, the movie: 1,
Eyes: 1, 2,
Fallingwater: 1,
Fast-Food Restaurant: 1,
Fireworks: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Fish: 1,
Flash Mobs: 1,
Foghorn Leghorn: 1,
Follow the Yellow Brick Hive: 1,
Food: 1,
Footnotes: 1,
For the Frame, poem: 1,
Forgiveness: 1,
Frank Lloyd Wright: 1,
French: 1, 2,
Funny Town Names: 1,
Gas Station: 1,
Ghosts: 1,
Global Warming: 1,
Golf: 1,
Google: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Grumps: 1,
Guns: 1,
Halloween: 1,
Hips Don't Lie: 1,
Hollywood: 1,
House of Usher: 1,
Hurricanes: 1, 2,
Inspector Clouseau: 1,
Interviews: 1,
Invasion of the Body Snatchers: 1,
Invasion, The, the movie: 1,
Jellyfish: 1,
Kindness: 1, 2,
Krumhorn: 1,
Lapus Lap-a-Lie: 1,
Lil Mama: 1,
Lip Gloss, the song: 1,
Love: 1, 2, 3,
Love Story: 1,
Lyrics Analysis: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Marriage: 1,
Mars: 1, 2,
Mek Tribe: 1,
Monkeys Eyebrow: 1,
Most Haunted: 1,
Movie Reviews: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
Muck, the tribe: 1,
Music, by Mac Daddy Egghead: 1,
Neptune, the planet: 1,
New Jersey: 1, 2, 3, 4,
New Years: 1,
Online Forums: 1,
Organist: 1,
Owls: 1,
Ozymandias: 1,
Parody: 1,
Pastor Wright: 1,
Pericles: 1,
Phaedrus: 1, 2,
Pheromones: 1,
Philosophy: 1, 2, 3,
Piglet's Big Movie: 1,
Plato: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Platonic Forms: 1,
Poe, Edgar Allan: 1, 2,
Poetry: 1, 2, 3,
Press Conference: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Primal Scream: 1,
Privacy: 1,
Psycho: 1,
Quiet Man, the, the movie: 1,
Rap Music: 1, 2, 3,
Rapper, the: 1,
Raymond Chandleresque: 1,
Reader Concerns: 1,
Reader Surveys: 1,
Reciprocal Linking: 1,
Red, the color: 1,
Reincarnation: 1,
Restaurants: 1, 2, 3,
Ring, the, the movie: 1,
Safeway: 1,
Sardo soap: 1,
Saturn, the planet: 1,
Scriptwriting, for television: 1,
Scrooge: 1,
Seaford, Virginia: 1,
Self-Pity: 1,
Sermon: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12,
Sermons: 1,
Session Nine, the movie: 1,
Sherlock Holmes: 1,
Shutter, the movie: 1,
Sinners: 1,
Site Map: 1,
Smith Mountain Lake: 1,
Socrates: 1, 2, 3,
Spam: 1, 2, 3,
Sparkler, Sparkler, Burning Bright: 1,
Sparklers: 1, 2,
Spoof: 1,
Stand-Up: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14,
Stanislavski: 1,
Tao: 1,
Taxes: 1, 2,
Television: 1, 2,
Thanksgiving: 1,
Time Travel: 1, 2, 3, 4,
Trade Shows: 1,
Trains: 1,
Trees: 1,
TSA: 1,
Twombly, Cy: 1,
Valentine's Day: 1,
Vampires: 1, 2,
Verizon: 1,
Vote Here: 1,
Wayne, John: 1,
Webmasters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,
Wild West: 1,
Wind Power: 1, 2,
Woods, James, actor: 1,
Writing: 1,
Yankee Doodle: 1, 2,
Yorktown, Virginia: 1,










Site Map


Questions

for the article entitled

Read it @ Top of Page

Previous Questions



Questions coming soon















American Egghead Website


Site Map














Top of this page

c2008 Brian Quass